A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 18, and I have a daughter who turns 3 in DecemberBasically, I fell pregnant and I didn't find out until i was 14 weeks pregnant, I'm still with the childs father but here's the tricky part, 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant, my now fiance moved to the other end of the country, I was 15 he was 16, and although he has been involved since, still together, see's our daughter all the time, His mum, dad, sister, his entire family don't know he has a child. I didnt see them during my pregnancy but when I told him I naturally assumed he'd told them! But when she was 3 months old, I suggested him taking her to see them and he begged me never to tell them about her! I even did a DNA test in case he was scared they'd deny her. I never see or speak to them anymore, Due to our LDR but we were fairly close until she was 1, we just never told them we had a baby and they never found out. Once they found a picture of her and heard her name mentioned and asked my boyfriend if she was our child (I wasnt there) And he said No, then begged me to say No if they asked me toNow that she's nearly 3, the situation is ludicrous! We can't hide a child FGS! My family find it ridiculous and so do I, I've asked my boyfriend If we can tell them and he refuses, won't tell me why, won't discuss it, I have to make photos of her on Facebook private so they can't see! I want them to know their grandchild/Neice Etc but what can I do? I have NO Idea! We just live each day with them not knowing, his mum recently remarried and his whole family went, But for his secret daughter.Im so tired of this situation, I know I should have never gone along with it in the first place but he said it was big news and he was waiting for the right time, but he's just never done it. Now he says They can never find out. What on earth can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): Don't tell them, it's his job not yours. He must have some really extreme reasons for keeping this from them and not telling you what those reasons are. if you go over his head and tell them against his wishes, you could be ruining his life. Probably won't help your kid either if his family would be really against her (after all if they would welcome her with open arms I doubt your bf would be so reluctant to tell them)
You would be violating his boundaries if you told them or forced him to tell. Don't do that. your kid already has family (you, and your family). Be happy with that. people do not have a right to go around messing up other people's lives just because of what *you* think a family ought to look like.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 He has to tell them. It does not sound to me like you two have a shot at making this work permanently and his PARENTS have a right to know about their GRANDCHILD. THEY have missed the FIRST THREE YEARS OF their GRANDCHILD'S LIFE.
As a potential grandmother I would be SO ANGRY with my immature child for depriving me of this... especially since I have already asked.
I personally think that you need to give him this ultimatum:
"Bob, i know you are afraid to tell your parents about our child. I am not sure why, but that's not the issue. You have XXX days/weeks/months to tell them about her or I will."
If he says he's leaving you over it, then good riddence to bad rubbish. HIS PARENTS are going to be SO ANGRY with him for NOT telling them about the baby... TRUST ME.
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A
female
reader, Beatriceandjohn +, writes (3 October 2012):
Dump him he's hiding ur daughter that on its own is a deal breaker
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (3 October 2012):
the answer is obvious, TELL THEM?!!! why would you go along with this for so long? your child is missng out on half its family because of his selfishness but also because of you being too willing to go along with this ridiculous idea. he sounds like a loser, what kind of man/woman would be ashamed of their own child and go so far as to deny it? it seems sick to me and Im not even a parent. just go and tell them, and be ready to do DNA tests to prove it too. I dont understand why you have gone along with this crazy idea for 4 years (since it would have been 4 years ago when you got pregnant)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): just don't do anything, they are HIS family more than yours. Yes it's unfortunate that your daughter will never know her paternal grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, but that is her father's choice. And when she grows up she can certainly choose to seek them out on her own if she wants to.(I am strangers to my father's side of the family because he doesn't get along with them, it's no big deal, I'm in my 30s and never had any urgent desire to get to know my cousins or aunts and uncles on that side as I'm very close to my family on my mom's side..it's really not a tragedy for your daughter not to know her father's family if she has other loving family around her)if you go ahead and tell his family, you may be ruining it even worse. I'm sure he has his reasons for not telling them. it sucks that he won't share with you what those reasons are (I would seriously question if you should stay with this guy because it does not sound like a healthy relationship). But maybe he is carrying around a huge amount of hurt and fear that is so intense he can't even talk about it and could take a lifetime to overcome.in short, I think you should just continue to go along and not tell his family if he doesn't want to. He has as much say in this as you do since it's also his daughter. it's not your place to override his decisions regarding his own family. Just concentrate on your side of the family with your daughter.besides I'm sure eventually the truth will come out to them anyway. It may be years or even decades from now when your daughter is all grown up and can exercise her own right to seek out her paternal relatives by herself. But for now, it's not right for you to ruin your bf's relationship with his family just because you want something different.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): "What on earth can I do?"Leave. Or stay. Stay. Or leave. "Fiance" (yeah, sure) is denying his daughter so he's denying your place in his life and his family.Don't kid yourself about being his long-distance "fiancee," he has as much intention of marrying you as he does of marrying me. Obviously boyfriend has hidden agenda, presumably tying his financial health to his family's approval of his social activities, meaning daughter way down on list of priorities, meaning you're even lower, and you don't even have the common sense to be insulted. Make sure you have a court-approved order of child support and visititation in place and dump him, don't let him treat your daughter as something lower than the bastard child of his backstreet mistress. You deserve better, and so does "secret" daughter.
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