A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I hope this doesn't sound silly. I'm just curious. I know there are people that enjoy sex without love and those that can enjoy sex ONLY with love...or at least feelings for their partner.I'm just curious about swingers. Do you think they can have sex with their SO and turn right around and do it with a stranger and enjoy both ? I never understood how people can do it both ways. Yes, I'm very inexperienced. I have only had sex with women I love.
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male
reader, azdubster +, writes (15 December 2015):
I know this is an older thread, but I would really like to answer some of the naive responses. In the last answer, the woman wrote, "My partner & i are deeply in love & we have discussed this topic, simply as a topic of general discussion. We do know, we would never, engage in such activity."
That's just it...you don't know. Answer me this...I read a study where 74% of married men would cheat if their spouse wouldn't find out, while 67% of women would said the same thing.(statisticbrain.com) If all these married people have thoughts about infidelity and 50% of marriages end in divorce...wouldn't you agree that doesn't bode well for traditional marriage? So can you realy say "we would NEVER engage in such activity"?
Next...
"I figure swingers like the idea of having their cake and eating it too. They pretend to be committed to the people they claim as partners; but still want the excitement of variety."
Yeah that's just extremely naive and incorrect. First, they don't pretend anything. I've been married 12 years and would take a bullet for my wife. I make love and extremely love my wife. BTW lets be clear, there are millions of swingers and swinging...is not an open marriage.
A vast majority of swingers feel the same about their partners (true love)...sure there are swingers that just have sport sex, much like there are way more vanilla people that cheat on their spouses.
Swinging is just sex. You don't date the other people or have some phase of love for them (that's an open marriage btw)...you have sex. Call it variety...call it lust...but as a famous T Shirt I have see says, "it's not cheating if my husband knows about it." It is written in the book "Sex at Dawn" (reviewed by Washington Post) "Human's aren't meant to be monogamous." The cheating stats above tell you so.
Swinging varies for most...for us we were with others probably once or twice a year on average. We have MANY things like that to keep the fires going. I've had sex with my wife 99.9% of the time. We are not unique.
Lastly to the original poster and for sure others lol...read the book Sex 3.0...it will help you understand it better.
Actually lastly...I can count on my hand the number of happily married couples I know where one or the other doesn't cheat....and who really knows? Do you?
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (21 July 2015):
 I can relate to you, as i too, ask myself how some couples can so easily get into swinging orgies.
I do believe that marriage is a sacred institution & ought only be reserved, for two people who truly love, respect & honour each other.
I do not understand, nor see, how swinging can even enter into this equation.
If two people are a couple, however, unmarried, even then it seems very odd that they'd choose to engage in such risky & promiscuous behaviour.
If two people must find several sexual partners, for varied sexual encounters, i would say that they're not truly & deeply in love with one another.
My partner & i are deeply in love & we have discussed this topic, simply as a topic of general discussion.
We do know, we would never, engage in such activity.
I predict, that if we did sleep around with other people, our relationship would not survive & this, i am 100% certain of.
To me, that would be breaching the amazing, sacred & honest, transparent bond that we created, when we first fell in love.
They say, each to his own, but just because there are those out there who love having sexual intercourse with other people, does not make it right, fine, acceptable.
Just because a certain few, within 'society' say it's ok, doesn't necessarily make it so.
Must we always be so politically correct about everything, even abouot expressing our innermost, truest feelings?
Well, not me, i will always express my views, even if the entire world is against me & my opinion.
As many have replied prior to me, yes, this world is already very corrupt, with all sorts of wrongs, that we don't need to start adding more to bad relationships, by swinging.
How can anybody truly find their true purpose, their true, inner happiness, whilst sleeping with numerous partners?
Eventually, you will end up leaving your partner, your spouse, when you do find somebody better, although most swingers will convince themselves & others, that this will never occur, yet it does & very often.
I have been doing my fair share of googling, regarding this topic.
Oh & let's not forget the innocent children that must live through this madness, through no fault of their own.
To all swingers out there.
Think before you act, no matter how much you love sex & variety.
Think about your innocent children & what you're exposing them to & don't think for one minute, that they're too young to understand what's going on.
You'd be surprised!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2015): I suppose it is a bit like going to a nudest camp and ogling at other peoples private parts while they ogle at yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2015): I wasn't talking about the young generally. We live in such a corrupt world, where it seems anything goes. No moral compass, people think they can do what they want without consequence.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 July 2015):
 Nope almost all the long term swingers I know
a. don't have children
b. are old enough to be grandparents
trust me swinging is not for the young.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2015): Last anon, young people are not more promiscuous now, and relationships are not more dysfunctional, teen pregnancy and drug/alcohol abuse are lower than ever, whereas elderly std rates are rocketing. Divorce is higher partly due to woman actually have a say now in what they do with their lives. Also swinging is more likely to happen after a few decades in a relationhip, so no, it's really not a problem associated with youth.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2015): It makes a complete and utter mockery of the sanctity of marriage. Why get married if you can't forsake all others? Being married is no different then not it seems these days, its lost its meaning. OK I know people swing when in relationships too, but to do so when married is another thing. People might justify it by saying, oh its none of anyone's business there is no harm blah blah blah. Well, there are always consequences, especially where bringing up children are concerned. There are far more dysfunctional families now, divorce rates highest ever, younger people being more promiscous. Adults not respecting and knowing what loyalty is, thinking cheating is ok. I could go on, but no doubt someone will slate my post for my honest opinion to justify themselves. We reap what we sow.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 July 2015):
 I can't speak of HOW they do it, I have never done swinging nor felt an interest in it. I missed that day in preschool where we were taught sharing.
I DO think there are people who are QUITE capable of separating sex from love (or sex from emotions) Who sees swinging like trying a new wine or cheese. a bit of fun, but with... body parts and fluids....
And honestly, I wholeheartedly agree with WiseOwlE that I don't think it helps a marriage or shows a healthy marriage - I think the "happy swinger couples" are the exception from the rule. And I think it's MESSED up to raise children in a marriage where... potentially the SEX is focus more than a healthy marriage.
I have know a couple of swinger couples, both divorced now. And I have seen their teen (now in their 20's) kids struggle with relationships. It kind of reminds me of the kids of polygamy marriages who SO not want to do the poly thing when they grow up, because of what they witnessed. But all in all we all have SOME baggage from out upbringing when it comes to relationship, one way or another.
Two consenting adults having "extramarital" sex or affairs with each others approval is not something I'd want to do, but it also doesn't offend me or my sensibilities.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 July 2015):
Thanks for the GREAT question. It's always fun to talk about my former life when folks here often have to GUESS about things.
I was a swinger. I met my current husband when I was married to my last husband. I was able to handle swinging, my ex not so much. He used it as an excuse to end the marriage that he didn't want. It was very sad.
I have several couple friends that are swingers and have been married for over 25 years each. Trust me when I say there is a deep abiding love and respect in all the marriages. And lots and lots of emotional connections and feelings.
Sex is fun. and if you don't have any hangups about it being something sacred and profane, then being a swinger or having an FWB or being casual is easy.
my ex used to say "I make love to my wife I fuck my friends"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2015): I don't understand it, and particularly how they can be so blasé about their own and their partners health. Like, having sex with multiple people in an evening alone must be a sure way of exposing themselves to STI's, HIV...There is no guarantee that the partner they chose hasn't just been with someone absolutely riddled with infections and thus they spread it amongst themselves and all their other partners...I think there is always one person who is doing it to try and keep their partner happy - like they know their partner would have affairs so they agree to join that lifestyle to hang on to what little is left of a relationship. I don't understand the appeal at all. It's not necessarily inexperience that makes you not understand it, it is probably just you respect and care for your partners and aren't interested in others when you're with someone you love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2015): Some people like recreational-sex and feel it's less complicated than being emotionally attached. You know how we become cynical after a few failures trying to have a lasting relationship. One night-stands are great to scratch and itch; if you're young and full of rampaging hormones.
Often times, even if we purposely search for hookups and frequent sexual-encounters (barring any strings attached); we are still searching for something meaningful.
Married-couples who engage in swapping or poly-amorous relationships claim they still love each other. I'm not completely convinced of that. I think one partner is giving in to keep the relationship intact. Eventually they will give-up and get out.
Swingers like sex with multiple or varying partners, and I think it's more akin to sexual-addiction than normal human sexual-behavior. Orgies and decadent behavior similar to ancient Rome. Best way I know to propagate STD's and spread HIV infection! Heterosexual or homosexual, frequent sex with various partners is high risk behavior. Increasing your risk with every new and unfamiliar partner. Never really knowing who or what they've been exposed to in the last hour, let alone days and months ago.
Although we males may seek variety amongst sexual-partners (women do to, but society lets us off the hook); because we are still linked to our primal past from primitive man.
We all learn in time what is real, is better than trying to force fantasy to be a substitute.
I figure swingers like the idea of having their cake and eating it too. They pretend to be committed to the people they claim as partners; but still want the excitement of variety. I'll try to refrain from judging; but I think that's a pile of bullsh*t. They end up divorced, if married. Broken-up, if only a couple. I think it is an oxymoron to call swingers a "committed-couple." Most breakup. With some exceptions. Be that the tragic few who will cling to someone they love no matter what they do. That's pathetic.
How long can you give your spouse permission to have sex with other people; before they find somebody they like better than you? Seriously?!! More often than not, one partner is more into it than the other. I've know a few in my life travels. Never cared for those kind of people. They give me the willies and creep me out.
Promiscuity is the primary reason people seek sex without emotional-connection. They're damaged. If you're not mentally and emotionally equipped to form meaningful relationships; that doesn't mean you don't have sexual urges. Humans need affection and love; even if some claim they don't. They satisfy their carnal cravings; but as time passes, we all want to feel someone cares for us deeper than flesh.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2015): Some people are able to disconnect the two some are not. It really comes down to that . I knight in cases of past abuse people can also learn to disconnect sex and love even if they may not want to . I am not saying all swingers have been abused though , as it can be something that is an ability of the person naturally or something that is not truly their nature but a learned coping mechanism
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 July 2015):
 I doubt there is any true feelings in people that can "swing" My conclusion is they are pure animalistic with the whole thing. it's like dogs in the alley humping on the nearest dog (male or female) their brains don't engage with their heart it's all about the momentary rush of pleasure. Ergo, they don't really have true feelings. That's my view. I can't relate to it I would fail if the opportunity ever presented itself. I personally must have feelings for the other person or I could not "perform". But that's just one person's opinion. Different strokes for different folks.
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