A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I of 3 years broke up offically about 3 months ago. We were on and off for the last year of our relationship. I heard rumors of him dating someone new but I didn't know or really want to know because it was so devastating to think he could have a new girlfriend already. The other night I was visiting a friend in the city. I was walking to her apartment when suddenly I turned the corner to see my ex kissing and hugging someone! Obv his new girlfiend. I was crushed. I just rushed through holding it together till I got to her apartment. He had to have seen me too, I almost literally ran into them. I just looked straight ahead. How could he have moved on so quickly?! We always talked about a future and he always told me how in love he was with me.. Until he broke it off saying we were "different people". He must have been shocked to see me too. What are the odds that I ran into him so randomly. Is this a classic "rebound"? I really want him to come back to me..But I am wondering if he lied to me our whole relationship. How can someone just give up on someone you claim you have great love for. I guess I just needed to vent on here and any advice would be great :(
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 September 2013):
Just to reiterate, the bottom line is this: on and off again isn't really compatible with talking about the future.
Your bad feelings are also probably less about love than they are about rejection. When people get rejected they tend to romanticize the ex a little. He gave you a good explanation: you're too different. He's right. It's not that there's something wrong with you, but obviously your relationship was too volatile, and the reason is because you're not compatible.
Don't let it hurt your self esteem. There are a ton of guys out there, many of which you are compatible with.
A
male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (23 September 2013):
My first question to you did you have a committed monogamous relationship with this man and did he agree to such? Did you even talk about your relationship? Communication is so important. You are not a mind reader and if you were you would be a multi-billionaire. You should not of made assumptions and on and off relationships in most cases mean its over and if he came back for more when he needed a bed warmer i wont apologize for him being a scum bag.The world is full of them. I have been in a successful relationship going on for almost four years and let me tell you both me and my girlfriend just wouldn't allow on or off relationships. We talked, we communicated , we shared love and made love , we made a commitment to each other and we always verbalize these feelings vocally daily. Yes it can be a pain at times but the extra work in this relationship is worth it. When people see us they know we are committed because everybody knows in Facebook and twitter. And they physically see us and how we interact and are around each other. There can be no room for doubt or error. I like to think that i have matured beyond the multiple dating scene. I do not ever want to have go through that again other than there was some good experiences but let me tell you there was a heap of a lot of real bad ones. When you find that special person and they find you you will be surprised in what you can do when you both put your heart into it. You cant deny that nothing real good comes easy. And the few that do are surely really lucky. Move forward and continue your journey in finding love and Mr.Right. You deserve no less than any other human being. Do not ever forget that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): Here's why - "We were on and off for the last year of our relationship."
It was basically over after 2 years OP. On/off is not a relationship, it's two people or one, who just don't want to be together and can't make it work but won't let go.
He hasn't moved on quickly OP, he's been moving on for the past year.
He was probably "over you" a good few months before it officially ended.
He probably didn't lie, he must have loved you if he was willing to stay in a failed relationship for an entire year.
But he obviously just doesn't feel you're right for him and I'm sorry but if he's smart he'll never come back. A year on/off means you simply don't work as a couple.
It's a shock and it sucks that you saw him, but just keep moving on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): "We always talked about a future and he always told me how in love he was with me.."
He was telling you what you wanted to hear so he could get what he wanted from you, which was regular and frequent sex.
"How can someone just give up on someone you claim you have great love for."
Very easily when that professed claim is a false self-serving means to an end and then seemingly greener pastures suddenly materialize elsewhere.
". . . any advice would be great :("
Don't believe what a guy SAYS, believe what he DOES.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): WiseOwlE i really appriciate your input..yes i need to hear the harsh truth but i want to be clear i am not "crazy" i did not purposely run into my ex..it was truely a coincidence..that is something i did not want to see..it was not fun..but thank you for taking the time to write on this and give me your advice i know i need to move forward and not look back..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): This is the classic post of a person who does not know how to just move on after a breakup. You confessed to having an on again off again relationship. It's a pattern between you two.
You cling on waiting for him to come back. He comes back, the relationship is the same as it ever was. You breakup again.
How does he move on so quickly? He was over you long ago, and you keep taking him back.
He comes back because sex is available, and he has a woman on-call to take care of him in-between other women. Sounds harsh, but I have to give it to you straight.
You have trouble just getting the guy out of your system.
You're addicted to him. He says what you like to hear, and you let him walk all over you to show how much you want and pathetically need him.
You are clingy and desperate, and he has no respect for you. He also likes to see you suffer. He knows how upset that whole dramatization on the street was for you. In front of your friend and all. You'd do anything to get him back, wouldn't you? He knows it. You've spoiled the bastard.
If you had let go long ago, it wouldn't matter what the hell he was doing. He'd be invisible in your life.
Men can internalize our feelings. We don't necessarily feel what we show on the outside. That is conditioning we receive from the time we are children, and it is reinforced by society as we reach manhood. We are biologically different from women. We think differently.
We must be tough and unemotional. Yet we feel exactly the same emotions as women do. Sometimes a lot more intense.
We tend to be less visibly emotional, and we are more logical in our approach to relationships. Women are better at expressing or verbalizing your feelings. We act like it doesn't bother us, until we are alone. All the while we're feeling torn apart.
That isn't the case with your ex. He has been up this road with you before and he keeps you on-hold; because when he does breakup with his latest rebound, you'll be waiting in the wings to catch him.
He has your approval to mess around with other women, as long as he comes home. You'll get jealous, hurt, then you'll forgive him; and take him back. How freaking convenient for him. You feel finding another man is too much work. Maybe you feel you aren't worthy enough or young enough? You just want him and only him. You lost him long ago. That's the reality.
You didn't just so happen to catch him on the street.
WiseOwlE knows better than that. You knew where he was and wanted to find out whom he was with. There are even phone apps that track people down, my dear. I know how and why you just so happened to be there at the moment he kissed that woman.
You followed them. No need to deny it. It's one of the crazy things we do when we can't move on. My heart goes out to you. Now you regret what you did. You should.
Letting go is a hard thing to do. You have been fighting it for a long time. He has proven over and over, that he no longer loves you as he may have in the past. You still live in the past. You still want to turn back the clock by clinging to hope.
It's over. What he "said and did" doesn't matter anymore.
You are a free and single woman now. You live in the present.
You should be concentrating on yourself. Preparing yourself to heal, and moving on to the next chapter in your life.
You are mature enough to know that you'll only survive this, if you fight to live. He always has you as a safety-net no matter how things turnout.
So, when he finishes with his rebound girls; he'll say a few sweet things, and you'll welcome him home with open arms. Then go into your drama queen mode.
When will it stop? He's a womanizer and you fall for the sweet talk. You're over thirty and a smart lady. Get over him and get a grip. Time to get your life started in another direction, and to leave his sorry ass in the past.
Show some strength as a woman, and give up on him. Take care of you, and prepare yourself for someone more deserving. You sound like a desperate lady. That's not what you want to be. Is it?
Read my articles regarding breakups.
Maybe one of them might inspire you. I've been dumped and now I'm feeling like a whole person. I had no choice, but to save myself.
At first, I felt I needed to be in a relationship in order to feel good. I don't know where that even came from. I guess I was in a good relationship for so long that I forgot who I am.
He passed away. I was devastated by the loss. I managed to live-on happily all the same.
I found someone else seven years later. It was all about sex, fun, and games. He needed a playmate, and was running from things. He also had a weird dark side.
After he dumped me, I reclaimed my identity and remembered being single is great. Just going out with my friends is a lot of fun; and not needing anyone takes off a lot of pressure. I can flirt whenever I please, and I have a sense of my own power as a person.
Sweetie, it feels good to be free. If and when someone finds me, I'll be ready. Not needy. Sometimes I miss my ex; but I don't need him in my life. It's better without him. I was determined to find my own happiness. I fought my way back.
Just let go. You've delayed your healing too long.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (22 September 2013):
 I don't think a person who does on and off can be serious about the whole future thing. He is in love with the chase and the idea of happily ever after. He could be a serial dater that can only be great until the real thing has to be manifested. Did he lie throughout? He did have good times with you but he felt that when it comes to marriage and kids the good times won't last. That's the problem, he only wants the honeymoon part of the relationship and extracting it from the boring, responsibility part. Leaving women behind wondering what went wrong.
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