A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HelloI am in my early 40s. One year ago, my husband told me that he didnt love me anymore and that he had been unhappy in our marriage for the last year. He said I didnt support him or love him they way he wanted. I was in total shock - I knew we had drifted but I had no idea things were that bad. Earlier in the year we had celebrated our 10 year anniversary (we went away - it was amazing), one year before he told me he had no trouble turning 40 because he was so happy with everything in his life. We have 3 young children spanning 4 to 8 years. He moved out a year ago. Then for 10 months I started reading about relationship books, things about healing, the secret, we started counselling (he came sometimes). The year was a roller coaster with him coming back and forth. I gave him an ultimatum after he didnt show for Xmas (he went away on a holiday on his own he told me) and our 11th year anniversay. Said tell the kids - its over. I asked him many times - is there someone else - he always said no.After the ultimatum, he said he wanted to come back and he did for 4 weeks before he said he needed his space again and went to his apartment - which I had never seen. Then for the next 2 months he came back and forth again but then finally said he wanted to have our dream. I went back to work and he seemed to admire that in me. After that he said lets buy a house - i said lets wait until our relationship settles but he seemed desperate to get on with our dream. We bought a very expensive house that will require hefty payments. He moved back into our bedroom - still hadnt had sex in a year - but he was attentive and told me he never stopped loving me and we just need to take it slow. All was going well until 2 weeks after we bought the house his mistress sent me a text saying congratulations you can have him now, but he has been inside a thousand times. I approached him - he denied it - then finally when he was sleeping - i got a hold of his phone and found all the messages. There were messages that indicated she was blackmailing him and threatening him after he bought the house but then the messages on the day before - when she sent me the text - became flirty again. I confronted him in the morning. He said he was sorry but he didnt want to speak about it. He left. That was 4 weeks ago. He has seen the kids for less than 8 hours in the last 4 weeks and when he comes he says he isnt ready to talk about us yet. And he goes back to her. I know her name and that she works where he does. For 11 months I let him have "his space" and go to "his apartment". I worked on being a better wife - never pushed him - gave him lots of support, love - I would jump up out of bed, and stop kids from coming into our room - after 12 months - they still think he lives here - they are so happy - they have no idea - but I am an emotional wreck. I don't contact my friends because I dont want to answer questions about my life. I live overseas so I dont have to see my family, his family (who I am very close to) or close friends back home - so I just dont email/ phone. I feel alone - so far - only 4 people including my counsellor know. I really have no idea what to do. It was easier to excuse him needing space when I thought he was dealing with childhood issues and going through a crisis - how do I give him space now, that I know he is with another woman. Its been one year and I have read all the marriage builders, marriage books but how does any of it help when your husband isnt around??? I dont want to tell the kids but I dont see I have a choice - he wont reply to my texts (and i have been careful not be a serial texter - I will go days with contact - i just say we need to move on - speak to me). I bought a phone for the kids, so he speaks to them everyday. I can hear his voice and it kills me but I dont get the kids to ask where he is/when he is coming back and I have only grabbed it a couple of times to tell him about logistical matters like his sons birthday party details. I want to move on - my counsellor says that give him enough rope and he will see this mistress for the conniving person that she is - but what if she is super nice and calm with him. My counsellor says stay calm, let her be the phscyco, but how long do I have to wait?? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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anniversary, flirt, mistress, move on, moved out, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou all for your honest answers. It is hard to solicit advice from friends when you are not confiding in them. Part of me wants to keep protecting him - I dont want people to know how horrid and gutless he is - but then the other part wants them to know. I am thinking about talking to his family tomorrow - its been 4 weeks and they are always texting saying how are things - they have been of great support to me in the last year and they will be devastated that he has done this to me and the kids. His sister's husband cheated on her 2 years ago and she is still struggling to come to terms with it - so he has seen first hand how this affects the innocent party. He just spoke to the kids - said he'd be home in a couple of days - is away on a work trip - but I think the mistress went to. See my counsellor tomorrow - he says wait until you see his parents face to face in July to tell them - said be patient - the guilt will drive him nuts but if i do something to make him angry he will push against me and not deal with his own guilt. Going out with my 2 girlfriends who know tonight and will have a few drinks. Thankyou again for your responses.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (19 June 2009):
 Thats the bad thing with counselors and therapists...they are a dime a dozen and many of them aren't worth the paper their certification is printed on.first off I am so sorry that this is happening to you. But you have to realize that he is not coming back on any permanent basis at anytime in the near future. He views you as a doormat and babysitter for his kids and takes you for granted.Cheaters will continue to act the way they do unless they LOSE something. I am sorry to be harsh, and I want you to understand that its not your fault, but by allowing him to continue unpunished by you will not be able to live YOUR LIFE. He will continue to control you and he will move on to another woman after this one. GUARANTEED! There are times when tough measures are necessary, and this is a blatant instance.Get a solicitor,separate your finances and divorce his ass, and get sole custody of the children. You have gone from being shocked to allowing this to happen unabated. Its time you stand the hell up for yourself and your children and NOT ALLOW THIS PIECE OF SHIT TO POLLUTE YOUR LIFE ANOTHER MOMENT!(Mod note: objective advice please. Keep opinions to a minimum. Your personal life and experiences does not mean every other 6.8 billion people will have the same.)
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A
female
reader, KatieKyle +, writes (19 June 2009):
I am so sorry. My dad cheated on my mom for seven years. The mistress just doesn't go away I'll tell you that much-though more than likely, she is the psychotic one. My fathers turned out to be.
In any case, hiding it from the kids will just cause more pain for them and you down the road. They might look at you as the enemy thinking that you lied to them when you were just protecting them.
Not to mention, your putting yourself under so much more stress than you think by hiding it and pretending that everything is fine when its not.
I think you have to let him go...though it will be the toughest thing that you will probably ever go threw. Be true to yourself and have respect for yourself, you cant let him be in control of this anymore. And please, please, don't shut out your friends and family, you will need them more than ever. I know it may be difficult to push past answering they're questions but they are just concerned for your well being.
If you don't make the first move now he will keep coming and going as he pleases, using you as a door mat. Don't allow your self to be walked on.
Just explain as best as possible to your kids what is going on but don't turn them against they're father, and if you feel its a good idea-group therapy.
Not only will they look at it as him betraying you but it will also be seen as him betraying them. Abandonment; like they weren't good enough to keep him around. I only know because I felt it once...
I hope something of this helped.
But once again, I am so sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2009): Your husband wants his cake and wants to eat it. File for a divorce because otherwise you are going to spend the rest of your life in not knowing whether he is for your marriage or not.
Once the novelty of the mistress wears off, and yes it will wear off, he will discover that the grass is not greener on the otherside.
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A
female
reader, alishamarie08 +, writes (19 June 2009):
Well one thing I always think of is if she has stolen a man away from a woman she'll do it again with another guy! 99.5% SURE OF IT! I know that doesn't help but one day he will feel the way you are feeling. You need to be a strong woman and except the fact that he probably won't come back. You need to come to terms with that! I know that's probably what you don't want to hear and I'm sorry to be tough on you. But honey he isn't worth it! Your kids will adjust trust me! I was raised by a single mom she's turned into my best friend. You'll grow closer to them! I hope it gets better sweetie!!
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