A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am thirty seven married with two kids we live beside my in-laws. Lately I have started to seriously resent my husband because he is allowing his parents dictate his life and our children's life. They compare him and our kids to the other thirteen grandchildren. I work five days a week and had my first child be minded in a creche. When my second was born my in-laws came to the house and said they didn't want anyone else minding them. My father in law shocked me so much by his assertive pushy tone that I said I would think about it and my husband wouldn't get involved. He left the room.My hesitation was that they are in their late sixties and it wouldn't be fair to either parties to be tied down. Also my in-laws would carry the daily events to all their children, god forbid should something happen them, it would affect the children's lives. They also volunteered their daughter to mind them in the event they were unavailable. Unknown to her and without her consent. She in turn ended up tired for minding my child. But the thing that really annoys me is that my husband wouldn't even confront them. They have dictated his life in numerous ways to the extent of turning down job opportunities for him to travel and get a taste of travel . They have a family business. This is now impacting on our relationship Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 May 2015):
 I would VERY much let my in-laws know that you LOVE the fact that they want to be involved, but that you MAKE the choices for YOUR children, not them.
Now it might end up being YOU that is the "bad guy" for not bending over backwards, but this CAN be done (and when I say this.. I mean asserting yourself and YOUR life choices) in a nice and polite manner AS LONG as you are persistent. YES, having back-up from the hubby would help, but he seems a tad incapable of this.
Having your kid(s) in day care while you work is NOT a bad option. They learn social skills they will need later on and skills they would NOT really get from a couple of 60's year old. And not all grandparents are equipped (I mean house hold wise) to care for and entertain a couple of wee folks, where as a daycare is SET UP for JUST that.
Volunteering their daughter? Rude.
I know when we first moved up here, my niece as CERTAIN that I had nothing BETTER to do all day than watch her child. She also assumed that since I was family I' probably would ask for money IF I chose to do it.... Family.. you got to love them.....
( By the way I declined watching her daughter - I have raised my OWN 3 kids, I have babysat PLENTY of kids, my kids are now at an age where they are all in school and I GET to enjoy my ME TIME. My niece has a mother who doesn't work, SHE could have EASILY watched her GRAND-DAUGHTER, but she can't be bothered, She has a SISTER who doesn't work and couldn't be bothered.... that is why she decided that I should do this. I WILL watch her daughter if there is an emergency, same with her sisters 3 kids, BUT I will NOT be the build in babysitter whom you dump your kid on.
I know she was VERY offended that I said no. (and so was one of her sisters) BUT I HAD to stand up for myself and not AGREE to something I DO NOT want to do.
YOU have to do the same. STAND up for what YOU want, and for raising your kids as YOU see fit.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2015): Wow it was just exactly my life! family business, living beside inlaws and their over involvement in my life. 10 years later his priorities were still them including his siblings. No privacy, they knew our daily schedule, where we go what we eat and basically everything. It came to the point that I noticed nothing will change and it is what it is. Either I can survive it or leave. I got a messy divorce after 10 years and guess what it was messy not because of him we were fine! it was just because of his family they inserted themselves again and made everything out of control and messy. I don't know if I had any chance to change my life style but I still should push for it. Maybe beside complaining I should act on it seriously before giving up.Do your best to set the boundaries. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2015): Unfortunately or fortunately; when you marry a man you marry into his family. For better, or for worse.
When you dated this man, you knew how involved his parents are in his life. You also knew he always gives into their will, and you overlooked that; because you thought by the time you married him it would stop. Well, it hasn't.
You married an immature man-boy who needs his parents to make his decisions for him, and he also uses them to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do. He doesn't stand-up for you, because he usually agrees with them. He has a lack of respect for you as his spouse, or as a woman. You don't have the skills or any clue how to handle yourself in complicated situations involving family, so you aren't going to get a crash-course here. You learn through trial and error, as in any life-situation.
You have to grow a backbone, and put your foot down. When your man doesn't standup for you, standup to him; and standup for yourself.
When things are said to you to put you down or insult your children; you have a right to be a lioness, and go for the throats of your attackers. Cowering in a corner isn't working for you is it? So straighten your back.
Your in-laws sound like the type who dangle their purse-strings to keep all their kids inline. If they own a family-business, everyone is vying for the position to take it over when that old fart kicks the bucket. Your husband wants a piece of that family-business, and knows that the patriarch runs the show. They sound like the old-time traditional family; where papa is an overbearing blowhard who wear's the pants, and mama is a shrew who always agrees with papa. He always wants to be on his parent's good side, if that means ruining his marriage. They will ostracize him and turn their backs when he's disobedient. They're still in the 19th century. He's still eight years old.
You married a man with no testicles, and his parents carry them around in their pockets.
You have to be assertive, and let them know that they have no right to say things against your children. If you need a baby-sitter, hire one. Stop depending on them to do things for you, then getting upset when they intrude on your marriage.
Grow a thicker skin! In-laws will unjustly criticize you, they will meddle in your life; and they will drive you crazy, if you're weak enough to let them. People who survive their in-laws speak their minds when necessary, and they take a stance. If you let your husband leave you at the mercy of his parents; then decide just how much longer you want to live this way. It stops when they see you're not the weakling they think you are. That includes your husband.
Sharpen your claws and put people in their places when they place you in the positions of defending your children and your own honor. They may not like you for it, but they will respect you. If your husband doesn't like that, well... perhaps you married the wrong guy to begin with.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 May 2015):
 Your father in law can't do more than sounding pushy. If he continues to be mean then you can use this as a reason for not wanting him to mind your children. If that's the tone he uses with you, tell him your kids will be scared of him so no thanks, the creche is good. No need to explain your reasons such as kids can interact with other kids, there's structured activities there. Your husband is not only deferring to them, but deferring child minding decisions to you since you are the mother that's your job.
One day you might want a vacation with your kids even if your husband is pressured to stay behind. It would be his choice. I bet he wishes that kind of freedom after being trapped in his family for long.
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