A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I haven’t been in a relationship for eight years, my last date was December and it was the only time I’d gone on a second date and I haven’t heard from him since. I’ve only been on a handful of dates on the past couple years, and I don’t get a lot of conversation on the apps I’m on (mainly bumble and tinder). I know it’s impossible to tell from a post but I’m not sure how to go about figuring out why I can’t keep anyone’s attention. Like I can recognize myself as the common denominator but I’m not sure how to go about figuring out what’s turning guys off from meI have a list of ideas: . I tend to have a dry sense of humor, and sometimes self deprecating but I try not to do that on meetups . There’s the cliché that people can “sense desperation” so I may come off too interested trying to make conversation . Conversely I also have a problem with going in expecting nothing which may come off as not expecting anything good . I’ve had a friend call me terse so I’m working on that . I’m a little strict and old school so I don’t meet up at anyone’s house if I’ve never met them or only seen them once or twice . I’m not ugly, but I would say I hang out around cute and pretty, not hot or sexy . I work in animation but I wonder if it just sounds like I’m a childish cartoon freak. Honestly I might just be boring I don’t know what’s important and what’s not. So I’m mostly looking for insight. If you had a poor dating streak what and how did you come across what isn’t working? (27f) Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2020): Talk to your friends. Your real friends. Tell them you want the honest truth. They know you best. No one here knows you and we only have what you have posted. Anything we suggest is really just spitballing in the dark.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (25 March 2020):
 Hi Op,
As an old fashion male myself, I can tell you this much...Self Depreciation is a massive turn off. Truth is...Most men do not care about what you don't like about yourself. We normally go in looking at things for ourselves...But for some reason, a lot of women constantly point out things they do not like about themselves to us. They do it so often that we start seeing what you dislike, and we start disliking it too. Not because you dislike it, but we dislike the constant hearing about it. Let your date be the judge of what they like or don't like. Do not help them choose for you.
Honeypie is right...Dating apps could be your first problem. It's like going to a bar looking for a guy to be your husband. Guys in bars and clubs are looking for one thing, and it's sure not long term. Not saying you can't get lucky...Like how many times you have won the lottery.
None of the other things on your list I find to be too much of an issue. Self depreciation however...It says you have baggage, insecurities, don't love yourself, and down right red flag. If you don't appreciate who you are, and what you have to offer, who do you expect to do it for you? A guy you just met?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2020): It seems to me you know your faults. You've listed some of them. If you know what they are; then you should work on them one by one. Always bearing in-mind, you will never be prefect; and you won't suit anyone more than the person best meant for you. You will be attracted to many people, and many will be attracted to you. That doesn't make them a match. There is a certain kind of inexplicable connection which will initiate real chemistry, and spark heat. Things will naturally fall into place. The objective is for that to be a mutual-experience happening between two people. Hopefully, at the same time.
Sweetheart, you've got to have the right perspective on online-dating.
Here's the catch. A good-match doesn't always happen immediately; and sadly, spontaneous-attraction may not develop simultaneously for both individuals. No, you may not get as many hits as those fake busty photos sent by Russian trolls; or those shirtless-hustlers looking for needy-females, and gay-men, with too much money. Dating apps are also a hot-bed for the dreads of society. They overrun the online-population; because there's so much available prey, and so many easy targets. Loneliness is a vulnerability easy to prey on.
There is the common-element of impatience. Everybody wants what they want, yesterday! You have to fight your nagging sense of anticipation, regulate your sense of entitlement; and exercise patience and discernment. For some, the perfect-match happens right-away; and for others it may take more time...a long long time. Life never promises everybody the same-thing, or the same amount of success. However, we are all naturally-equipped with some level of patience, optimism, commonsense, logic; and instincts that guarantee us some amount of success. Provided we correctly apply and utilize what nature, education, experience, and conditioning gives us. God showers blessings over everybody, the good and the bad. He's good and generous like that! Never envy others, you don't know all the details. You see only what they boast about, not what they hide.
People seem to have this notion that dating apps guarantee you success at meeting your match. Assuming vast numbers of choices also increases the odds of success. They do, but the odds are about the same as hitting the lottery. You might meet somebody the simple old-fashion way first. By chance! If you're up for hookups, and you're average to hot; you may have frequent success getting sex-partners. Claiming you want a serious relationship in your profile is sometimes interpreted differently than you might mean it. Some guys see a lonely-woman and a target, and some see a ball and chain.
Every industry has a marketing stratagem; the goal of business is to capitalize on our weaknesses, and appeal to our desires. Not just supply a product. Dating apps and online dating sites take advantage of the human need for love, our hopes, dreams, lusts, loneliness, and our inherent sense of covetousness. They manipulate all our emotional-vulnerabilities and character-defects. They make sure they capture the eye with the perception of having many choices. All at your fingertips! Offering a huge selection/collection of people. All eager to find their match! How exciting!
Then you get all those testimonials from lucky couples; and even those claiming that's how they met their spouses. Truth be told, desperation and delusion will compel you to make hasty choices and regretful mistakes. How do you tell if they're even real? The popular apps and sites do fewer commercials these days; because they can't deliver anything but a place to advertise yourself. Look how many there are! Free apps sell ads, and your personal-information; while they exploit you in the process!
Those guys you've dated, and those yet to be dated, are still single for a reason. It's not always your fault they don't stick around. Everybody's options are open; and everyone has a right to be picky!
My advice? Tune-out all that hype! Expect far less than promised! Girlfriend, you're dealing with other human beings. They will hurt your feelings, disappoint you, excite, and delight you. You just have to be level-headed and prepared for both success and disappointment. The more people you meet, you'll increase your chances of meeting someone you'll like. By the same token, you will also multiply the number of men who will disappoint you. That's life! Technology can't remove the faults in human-nature.
Technology brings us more, but faster. Human beings are still human beings. Which means "being human." The more we see the more we want. You're chatting with him; meanwhile, he chats with yet another female. Some other good-looking guy comes along, and captures your interest. What must you do? What if he's the one?
What's the first thing you see when you search for dating sites. You see a ton of handsome faces of men, gorgeous females, and their phony-profiles say they want exactly what you want. Sweetheart, you may get a lot of great profiles and pics to scroll through; but you're still dealing with the "guy" behind the profile. You're not the only one with faults, insecurities, and a variety of quirks. Each of us have our criteria; and a self-created prototype of our "best match." The ideal-guy, or the ideal-girl! Sometimes that prototype is nowhere near the right match for us. You won't know it until you find it. It's nice to have some idea of what you're looking for; but it's even better to know what you're not! Dispel of unrealistic-expectations, toss the false-concepts of love that Hollywood manufactures to draw audiences to movies, and don't fault the next guy for what the last dude did.
Online dating apps. Brings to mind the old expression "kid in a candy-store." These guys see all the selections of pretty-girls; and they can't make up their minds who they want. They want sex on the first-date, they don't want to be "trapped" into commitment; and they want to boink every lovely female that happens to make a hit on their profile. Fearing the other-one will be better than the one they've got. Some can and will be choosy. Yes, they can pickup signs of desperation or clinginess; but you'll also see how flighty and flaky some men can be. They don't have anybody, because they don't yet deserve anybody! They're searching for a trophy or arm-candy, not a person. They've got ideals, but they don't really live-up to any acceptable standard themselves. They may have a good job, earn good money, be sexy, and quite easy on the eyes. Yet lack substance, character, and depth. Air between the ears, and an empty cavity where a heart should be. Their d!ck does all their thinking.
They've got all that variety for their choosing; but they are adolescent in their thinking, and try to be the player. Therefore, they are excruciatingly indecisive, dense, and totally unreliable. It's not always you! Like on Halloween, some kids have sense enough to eat a few pieces of candy; while others eat until they're sick. Guys (straight and gay) will be that way on dating apps. Girls, girls, girls! Guys, and more guys! But you cannot have them all at once! Greedy is greedy! Here's a new concept! Date one at a time! If you don't want a relationship, don't date people who say they do on their profiles.
Surely you can make some self-improvements. Don't get attached just because he's polite and behaves like a gentleman. Get the desperation out of your system. Women on a mission for a husband are pushy, they behave like he's the only one who has to prove himself; and they carry an air like she's some prize to be won. Then all he really gets is her insecurity, jealousy, low self-esteem, and other annoying habits that made everything in her profile a lie. Sometimes you don't see who they really are until after a few dates; and some you'll catch immediately. Not saying that's you, but that makes a lot of guys very wary (and weary); and keeps their fight or flight instincts constantly on alert. They take flight the minute they sense desperation, or observe the tendency to be clingy. Sometimes, it's self-elimination; because they know you deserve much better than what they can offer. You are also surrounded by God's angels to protect you from wolves and players. Things you can't detect yourself.
Don't be too quick to put yourself down. Apps can't guarantee you'll always get dates; or you'll find someone who will stick around for awhile. You will have the benefit of more opportunities; but finding your match is supposed to be the challenge. Dating should be fun. Enjoy socializing, and meeting new people. Your match may not come as soon as you want; but perseverance, good discernment, and patience is what eventually gets you there. It's a process of weeding and selection. You might get rejected; but then you'll get your turn to reject somebody too. He might even be a great-guy, just not for you.
Guys really don't like self-deprecating humor in females. They'll visualize they're dating someone obnoxious like Amy Shumer; or one of those undetectable toxic-women who'll go psycho-b*tch on you. He doesn't enjoy you sitting there cutting yourself to shreds. How is he supposed to laugh at that? He's not sure if you're fishing for compliments, in need of therapy; or waiting for him to say the wrong thing, and you'll take offense. He knows he will be judged by his reaction to what you've said, and his taste in humor. Don't manipulate or prompt men into complimenting you, that's a sure sign of a needy person. Even worse, a narcissist.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2020): You just have to have the right perspective. Stop looking at other people’s dating experiences and comparing yourself. Some people find the right person right away while for others it takes a little more time. Just be patient and enjoy the process, the outcome will be much better if you do that. Putting your best foot forward is your number one priority to get more dates. What that means is that you should always look and smell your best.
We tend to stick to our comfort zone socially and when dating. This isn’t how to get more dates. Actually, your comfort zone could very well be why you’re still single. You need to try something new. Relationships are all about taking chances and risks. If you always rely on online dating, try going to an event or a meetup. You can also volunteer, or take a class, join a sporting team. Meet new people. The older you get the more you’ll end up being the only single person in your group of friends, so you need to get out and make new friends. New friends means new dating potential and you’ll get more dates, even for the socially awkward.
Get more dates by creating dating opportunities. What this also means is taking advantage of opportunities that arise. You might be out getting your lunch on a weekday and see an attractive person in line ahead of you. What you’ll usually do is just wait in line and miss that opportunity because you’re nervous or you make up all the worst case scenarios in your head. What you should do is just open up a conversation with them, you’re both standing in line, doing the same thing, waiting together. Just make a comment about the wait or ask what they’re ordering because you can’t decide what to get. if you meet someone that you like and you feel might potentially be interested then ask them out. You don’t have to make it an official date. Ask them to go do an activity related to whatever it is you’re talking about.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 March 2020):
 I think using "hook up apps" to look for long lasting relationships might be your first mistake.
Bumble is a same-sex app (primarily) so women looking for women and men for men. If you are looking for a guy, well you are more likely to find someone who is gay and into men on a same-sex app.
Tinder is notorious for being a hook-up app for people looking to get laid and fast. So no wonder there rarely is a second date as you don't seem to want JUST sex.
So my conclusion is that you are looking in all the wrong places.
Not wanting to meet up at someone's house is not just about being strict, it's smart. So stick to that one.
Sense of humor can be a hit or miss. But my thing is if the other person don't like or "get" your sense of humor he probably isn't a good fit at all.
Wanting to converse doesn't show desperation, in general. Now if you talk about you wanting a family and 10 kids as soon as possible because the clock is ticking.. well, that might sound desperate. Get what I'm saying here?
You work in animation, that is AWESOME. I think it say you are creative kind of person, not a childish cartoon freak.
You might just be boring. True. (don't tell others, but MOST people are pretty boring deep down! ) It's OK.
My advice is to look for some DECENT dating websites/apps, maybe even some of the ones where you have to pay to join. Because it lessen the chance of people just getting on there to "browse" or find a hook up partner.
Second of all, HAVE some of your good friends LOOK over your profile and pictures. Having GOOD pictures (not too "sexy" and well lighted and... UP TO date! is good. A few group pictures with friends can also be OK but mainly focus on pictures of YOU.
Know what you are looking for. And what you have to offer. Honestly what you write about yourself is not something that makes me thing you are TRYING to find someone. Seriously. Calling yourself a childish cartoon freak because you work animation? Come off as desperate because you want to engage in getting to know the other person? Again, doesn't put yourself in a great light.
I would also advice you not to date people who live FAR from you, to far for it to be realistic to meet up and see each other on a regular basis, it can just be a waste of time.
Another way to meet people is through hobbies and interests such as sport, art, travel, etc. etc. So that is another thing you can think about. You would have a higher chance of meeting someone with the same interest as you, which can definitely be a plus.
And there is meeting people through family and friends. I know, I know, very "old fashioned" but it does happen.
So in short... I don't think it's you as a person, but your approach.
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