A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody there, I have some trust and reliance problems with my boyfriend. We were in a long distance relationship about one year and now he's living at mine. I'm from East Europe and he's from West part and spends his holiday in my country. Every 2 months we met each other somewhere (home/other countries). He met my parents, i met his family and we are very close to each other. His friends like me and so do my friends. Everything seems to be sweet and lovely. First time I felt something terrible between us they were his plans for future. He's looking for a job in his country and says that I should leave my place because of him for a first period of time and then we'll see if he finds something in my homeland. I'm the only child in my family (he's not) so it's not so easy for me to leave them alone. I lived abroad a lot and settled down. I cant leave everything I have in one minute. He's crazy about dangerous adventures like wandering alone in a desert, high hiking and so on. He's always offended when I say that I need to think about it before I agree to join him in these activities. We are always arguing about money. He wants that we pay 50%-50%, but I eat much less than he! Like a sandwich and a glass of juice and he takes 2 sandwiches, meat and coffee (this meal is not exactly what we eat, but you see it in compare). He doesn't like it when he must buy something or should give me my money back. He's interested in lives of my friends who are girls. Sometimes he is too nice with them forgetting about me if we are all together. I got wet outside while he was carrying my umbrella above his head and the head of my friend. But he says that I'm the only one, he is at mine only because of me and our future. He asks me for a baby, mentions our marriage (in 2-3 years). But I know that he hardly tries to make our life better. I work a lot, I study at university, I buy food and care about him, I tidy rooms (making him to help me). I learn languages, improve my skills in his language, but he doesn't let me sometimes to go to the fitness club because he wants that I stay with him at home. I don't obey him but it annoys. He's intelligent, well-educated but not open-minded. He's talkative and extrovert, but he's very strict with me. He makes me to watch films with him deep at night, though he knows that I have to wake up early next day. He seems to be childish and offends if I have no time for going out. I have three shifts: at work, at university and.. at home. He likes tickling me, but it's not funny for me at all. Sometimes he does it suddenly and unexpected. I told him thousand times not to do it, but he offends. He offends a lot. I guess he expected to have a mummy as a girlfriend. I seem to complain, but I met him as an independent person, a student abroad, with a flexible opinion. And now he's changed. Turned out to be a hard-driving man. He wants that I forget myself and trust him, give him my everything and never say I but we. He thinks that I have no strong opinion, but he thinks that we can never reach a compromise because of me as I never say directly what I want. If I say, he's offended saying I don't care about us and our relationship.We talked a lot, he tries changing: he cooks, he says lovely word to me, hugs me etc. he is afraid to lose me. But I don't believe his words anymore. I thought that loving people are not so strict to their lovers, forget and forgive, they don't make them to do something they don't want to. They never fart out loud and try saving kind of a nice image in their lovers' eyes. He says we are so close that we don't need to pretend to be better. I love him a lot and accept it. But he doesn't respect my being and doesn't accept it. He wants me to change. I don't trust him anymore, because he does other things he promised to do, he is never fancy to do me a favour, if i ask him for it... He says we are like a family, but I don't think that families are something that we have. He'd better never promised me any pink clouds in the sky. Maybe I am wasting my time waiting he will be that nice guy again?His deals and words are different. He wants my live to be ours, but he cant't take a responsibility on me. I stand for myself, for both of us sometimes. I help him with his job, he isn't glad with it sometimes... Why is he so strict with me? He wants me to change and to accept and admit the way he moves. I feel alone and usually don't want to go home (my place!!!), though he's very nice to me last days.Why? I don't trust him to be a lovely guy again.How can I manage it and change it? I need some support. It's my first serious relationship. Thanks a lot in advance
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (24 February 2014):
Unfortunately you've come to the point where you realize that he's just not the right person for you. It's very hard to break up with someone who you love, but it's sometimes necessary.
And the truth is that finding love is actually quite easy. The trick, as you're finding out, is to find someone who you love AND are compatible with. But for the sake of your happiness it's important.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): Please pay attention to the things you see that are not good and make you uncomfortable. He is controlling and disrespectful.
Your post is a very good example to help people, and it gives many details that helps me to give you good advice.
You can really care a lot about a person; but that doesn't mean you have to put up with everything they do. When someone continues to do something you don't like after you've asked them not to, that is a sign of disrespect. He will continue to do thinks you don't like no matter what you say; because you are a woman and he doesn't feel you can stop him.
He demands you do the things he tells you to do. You are not a child nor a servant. You do not have to yield to his demands like back in olden times when men pushed women around. He is ignorant and a brute. He should not be flirting with your girlfriends in-front of you.
You are very wise to observe his behavior and learn his good side and his bad. You notice how he acts with other women around you. How he tries to boss you around, and wants you to just pull up your life and move with him.
Don't change your life for this man. Stay right where you are! You will seriously regret it. You will feel like a
poor peasant girl; being pushed around by her master. He will isolate you from your family so he can control you better.
Let him stay right where he is. You stay right where you are. You don't trust him because you've seen too many things that you don't like.
Listen to your gut instincts! You can't trust him. Once he has you in his country, he will change for the worse. He will know you will have no one close by, he will insist that you do things you don't want to do, and he might become abusive if you don't do as you're told.
My advice. Keep things just as they are and don't move.
If he doesn't like that, too bad. Dump him; and go find yourself someone better. You are only 22, and have plenty of time to search for the kind of man that is right for you.
He is also cheap. Making you pay 50/50 when he had more.
He is an imbecile.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): I think you've realised it's better for you to split up. For a couple to work you need to have separate lives as well as a life together, and you need to accept each other for who you are which you don't in your relationship.
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