A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm going to make this as short and simple as I can.When I was between the ages of 4 and 11 I was molested by a step grandfather. I told my parents about this when I was 17 and naturally it's been hell ever since. this ties in with the question I have although this is not a main concern of mine.when I was 16 I was dating a guy who was 19. he was truly the love of my life. me being 16, stupid, inexperienced, mentally unstable, and just downright foolish went behind my conservative parents' request for me to wait until I'm 18 to date. I snuck out with him a lot, and they ended up catching him with me at 4 in the morning. of course, I was under lockdown until I turned 18. I was soon diagnosed with a personality disorder, generalized anxiety, and depression. I began to believe that this boyfriend had raped me or just sexually assault me because I felt uncomfortable one night and we had gone "too far." I broke up with him after he had waited more than half a year, living in the same small town, not able to see each other. I started dating a friend of mine at the time who I was in a relationship with for 2 years. we didn't love each other, in fact, this relationship turned out to be truly abusive and dumb. I told the boyfriend of 2 years about how my previous boyfriend and I broke up and for those reasons. he demanded I tell my parents or else he was going to leave me. I was 18, and I told my mother that my ex boyfriend had raped me, and she believed me but didn't do much about it. now, after almost 3 years, I'm back with my first boyfriend and I've never been happier. which is a big deal for me. however, I have no idea how to talk to my parents about this. I'm positive my father doesn't know about anything other than is sneaking out a a young age (we're 21 and 23 now. still young). so it's a matter of being able to discuss the false information with my mother, without losing her trust on what happened to me as a child, or her trust in general. believe me, I will never forgive myself for doing this to my boyfriend. the worst part is, he understands. and I know if my parents gave him a chance with a clean slate...they'd love him. does anyone have any ideas as to how I can approach our relationship to my parents? and how can I help them see that I was just going through a really confusing time in my life? I just don't want to lose my family over my boyfriend or my boyfriend over my family. any advice would be very appreciated. thank you.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 October 2013):
 I'm not a professional, but there are some things here in your story that concern me more than your question. To answer your question first, however, how to tell your mother the truth? Tell her the truth. The rest is up to her. And there are no guarantees, you lied, and the consequences might very well be that you are no longer believed and people do not have trust in you. That's life. You just have to be honest and then see if maybe people will believe you or not. I'm guessing your mother will believe you, but she will probably have concerns similar to mine, which I will now get on to.
1. You started having illusions about him raping you. You say you got these ideas after feeling uncomfortable about having gone too far with him. How far is "too far"? And what were the circumstances? You don't need to tell me, but you need to answer these questions to yourself. If you and him went too far before, you will most likely go "too far" again at some point. Will you, this time around, also feel bad about it, and will you start to imagine that he raped you? You did it before, you believed it so much you told you next boyfriend AND you told your mother. In some part of your brain, this was a fact. What happens NEXT time you feel your boyfriend has gone too far, what happens next time you get an idea about him raping you? Or maybe you imagine him to do something else, such as hit you, or verbally abuse you.
What happens next time..? You were surely young and immature, but at 16 you aren't dumb. This illusion you got came from somewhere, and you need to figure out where. Will you get ideas like this again? Was it truly innocent what happened back then, or did your current boyfriend in fact assault you back then? And now, maybe you're trying to pretend it did not happen because you are in love and want to be with him?
2. There is no such thing as "one true love", that is an idea from the movies. It's not real. I worry you are in this relationship because you have an idea about NEEDING to be in this relationship, because you have an idea about "one true love" being real.
3. You were diagnosed with personality disorder, among other mental disorders. Do you see a therapist/psychologist regularly for treatment? Have you told your therapist/psychologist about your situation? What did he/she say to you? How have you processed this in sessions?
4. Are you dealing with what happened to you when you were 4 - 11? These things don't just go away, I'm sorry. If they aren't dealt with they will create troubles for you later in life. Amongst other things causing complications in relationships, and could very well be the reason why you had illusions about your boyfriend raping you, and why you felt a need to tell others. It gave you something, maybe a sense of being protected. Maybe you got something from it that you needed... Some form of validation, or some form of keeping your head above the water. All of this can come from unsolved problems steaming from the molestation. You weren't in control back then. And one way to gain control over your life could be to lie, in order to make people do what you want them to.
Telling your mother the truth is the least of your concerns. Your concern needs to be why you had this idea of your boyfriend raping you. Did he, or did he not, rape you? And why did you lie about it/why are you covering up for it now?
Maybe you should tell us more about him, what your boyfriend is like. Who is he? How is your relationship? If you don't want to elaborate on it, at least tell it to yourself. Be honest about the situation.
Just because you loved him once, and just because he makes you happy right here and now, doesn't mean it is "meant to be" or you will live "happily ever after". Things will happen again that will test you, and make you have to confront the past. The reasons why you lied back then/cover up for it now are still there. You need to resolve these problems before you can move on.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (6 October 2013):
 This is a very difficult situation, you're boyfriend has indeed been very understanding.
I understand you were confused but as a victim of sexual assault at a young age I struggle to understand why you would lie about something so sinister when you already know how fearful it is to speak out about sexual assault and fear that you will not be believed!
The fact that your current boyfriend knows what you've done and is standing by you should help your case.
However you're thinking about this all wrong. You only seem worried about "you". You don't want to lose your boyfriend over your family and you don't want to lose your family over your boyfriend.
To be honest this isn't about YOU this is about your poor boyfriend being accused of a rape and sexual assault that he didn't commit and your parents believing that their daughter has been assaulted twice, the second time by a man who she's now dating again! They think your boyfriend is a rapist!
I think what you have to do is come clean!
Explain to your Mum that maybe due to the trauma of what your step grandfather did and because you were upset and confused when you split with your boyfriend you convinced yourself that your boyfriend had violated you in some way when in reality it was just your guilt warping your perception.
You need to tell her that you know this was wrong and you are sorry but you would like her to forgive you and accept that you and this guy are together now and happy and that he knows what was said and has forgiven you.
It must have been an awful thing for your mother to find out that you had been abused by a family member and at such a young age too and then believe that you were assaulted again by a boyfriend that she tried to prevent you from seeing, but she loves you and that won't change, her trust in you may be shaky for a while but you will have to earn that back and that takes honesty and time.
It may even cast a shadow of doubt over your earlier admission of assault by your step grandfather but you must stick to your guns and be truthful.
I think you may benefit greatly from some counselling to help you with your childhood trauma. It may explain some of your later actions and give you some peace.
I say be honest and start telling the truth, just accept your mum's reaction and give her time, most Mum's will forgive almost anything if they know their child is truly sorry.
I wish you well and hope this helps AB x
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