A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am looking for answers mostly from lesbiens and bisexual females who have had relationships with females.however, first a little about me. I am 21 years old, and a pansexual. This means that gender is irrelevent to me when it comes to a relationship, that i am attrated to people more for personality then "parts." (in more basic terms, this means that i am a PURE bisexual, but also would date transgenderd individuals, hermaphrodites, etc, etc). So far though, i have only dated males...so my question is, how can i know when a female is gay/bi? Without meeting them in a gay bar or club, so bassicaly what ways could i tell if a girl in one of my courses, or clubs, etc, is also into other females? I am ussualy a very blunt person and ask people right out about sexuality, etc, but when it comes to other females i am horribly shy and bashfull. Also, i don't want to scare someone away! (these would be girls i'm not really friends with, but might talk to on occasion). Its very easy for my to tell when a male is gay, and soemtimes even bi, but its a lot harder for me to tell with females... esspically since the females i'm attrated to are a bit more feminine looking like me. In fact, most people probably wouldn't know i was pansexual unless i had told them, based on the fact that i've only dated males so far and am not completly "butch." I know i could meet people in gay dancing clubs, and PRIDE clubs at school, and even on an online dateing service.... but most of the girls/women i've met are ONLY intrested in sex... just haveing fun, etc. I would like a REAL relationship with another women, a long lasting, meaningful, and faithful one. If i just wanted to have sex with another girl i would have by now (i'm a "virgin" when it comes with other girls, not males). I suppose i'm a bit old fashioned... but whats so bad with a loveing romantic relationship? i'm sure there must be other lesbiens out there... so... well, how can i tell if another women is intrested in women without asking? is there any way or clues at all????thank you so much for your help
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): I am in the same position as you are. I am bisexual, and find it extremely difficult to figure out women's sexuality. Most of the time i think they're all straight, but i know that can't be. people never guess i am bisexual unless i tell them because i am feminine, and also attracted to feminine girls/women. I was only able to guess one girl's sexuality, and still i wasn't very sure until she confessed. The only thing allowed to me to guess was that some times, very subtly, she behaved they same way as me...almost like takes one to know one. for example, when we were in the club i held her hand and she didn't fully put her hand into mine, i usually can't hold girls' hands properly if they don't know i am bi because i feel like i am betraying them...can't explain it. Anyway, i know this doesn't help but i just wanted to share this with you and let you know you are not the only one :)Thank you Hannah, your answer has helped me as well.
A
female
reader, hannah82  +, writes (9 May 2007):
 hi ya again lol
Yes you are right, female and male friends do also make small gestures like touching your arm or back when talking to you but it generally seems to be in a different manner. The whole eye contact thing is usually a good way to tell if someone likes you, people hold your eye contact all the time when they talk to you but generally if they are interested in anything other than your conversation they will hold your eye contact for alot longer, have you ever been speaking to someone and finding yourself having to look away from them because it starts to feel uncomftable, like you are invading them to much? this is what i am talking about, if they are interested in you they will want to hold eye contact with you as long as possible. Try not to be the first to look away. Maybe try some light friendly flirting and see how they react.
When I was out a few weeks ago with a few friends a guy came over and started talking to me. i really wasnt interested in him and one of my female friends pulled me into a hug and kept me there until he dissapeared.
When I got into work the next day some of the others were talking about what happened and i explaned how he had dissapeared, then she told everyone that she had said I was her gf and to leave me alone, (I like this woman by the way). I thought I would push her slightly and came back at her with " you would be buggerd if he said prove it wouldnt you" and to my suprise she said it wouldnt have been a problem then winked at me lol. needless to say i was kinda gobsmaked...... the point of my story is using a little light hearted banter can sometimes bring out the answers to your questions. sorry if i rambled!
As far as meeting other lesbians go, you could try your local gay bars, clubs or have you looked in to a Lesbian group who meet up once a week? its kinda like one of those book clubs but with lesbians not books
:0) Where are you from? I maybe able to find out some information on groups, bars and events and stuff for you if wanted? you can always email me if you dont want to leave where you are from on a message board.
Hope this helps xxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2007): thank you so much (i'm the person who wrote this... i didnt want to log into an account though so it might not show me as haveing left "feedback")
i was just also wondering...couldnt some of these things be common for just female-fmeale friendships (not relationships?). i only have one female friend, and she is also bi and i have known her forever, all my other friends are male... so... eye-contact and even arm touching... thats just normal for female friends, isn't it? some girls seem to be overly friendly with eachother, but are both stright.... also... is there anywhere else i could meet some other more feminine lesbiens..?
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A
female
reader, hannah82 +, writes (8 May 2007):
Hi ya hun,
I totally understans where you are coming from. The truth is you cant really tell someones sexual preference by looking at them. However you can look for some tell tale signs to see if they are interested in you. Its pretty much the same way you would tell if a guy is interested in you. Look for things like..... When you are talking to this person do they hold your eye contact slightly longer than you find comftable? do they flick back and forth between your eyes and your mouth when speaking to them? Do they flirt with you at all? Do they make a point of sitting as close as possible to you when you are together? you can also look for small gestures like touching your arm or back when speaking to you, or tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear........If any of this applies then i would say that there is a strong possibilty that they like you. Be observant, try and read any signs they are giving you.if you dont get any signs mabe try doing a few of the above mentioned things to the person you like and see how they respond. The only real way to be sure though is to ask them. good luck hun x
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