How can I tell him I'd like him to show me that he loves me more often?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Teenage

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Question - (2 March 2011)

6 Answers - (Newest, 6 March 2011)

A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Well, to start with me and my cousin (not first) are in a relationship and my mum knows about it too. She's completely supportive of it and wants us to get married.

That's the bottom line...

The problem is, for the past few days, he's been acting really different (like bad different - for me anyway) and will tease me about absolutely anything and everything. It's in his nature to do that. He'll joke about something and tease you till your sick of it. But he's never really targeted me before and if he has then he will stop after a while. But recently he's been constantly doing it despite knowing that it annoys me and I get upset. Even my mum explained to him to stop it. But he won't listen.

That's the first thing...

The second, on the weekend, we were sitting on the sofa and watching a film. Like always, he had his arm around me and I was half-lying on him. Randomly, he tightened his grip and automatically his hand touched my chest. At first I thought it was an accident. He's never done that before though and wouldn't want him to. (I want to keep our relationship as clean as possible, i mean we are gonna get married) He knows it too and wants the same thing. (and my mum too who obviously being a mother would want the same thing) Anyway, at first it was an accident, but then he did it again, even when he didn't have his hand around me, and just had his arms folded, he managed to do it again. I felt very uncomfortable then and didn't know what to do or say. First of all, he's not that type of guy and second he's never done it before so why now? And third, we both want the same thing.

So, I consulted my mum to ask what her opinion was and she said the same thing. 'He's not that type of guy and why would he do that when he never has.' But my mum was not so sure herself and said to him 'Can you ever cross your limits?' He was really hurt by that because my mum trusts him from the bottom of her heart and she's never said something like that to him. He became very upset with my mum and asked her if I had said anything. I told my mum before hand not to mention any of it to him but she still did. She didn't say to him that I told her of what happened that night but he's clever that way and probably figured it out. So he told my mum what happend and said it was merely an accident and he didn't realise. His intentions were never wrong and aren't.

After I heard this I felt really bad for bringing this onto him. But eversince then he has started then teasing and it's been driving me crazy. I even got upset with him for it but it had no effect on him. (He's very stubborn and has admittedly a huge ego like most guys) He only listens to himself and my mum, who he respects so much. He sometimes listens to me but I'm younger than him by 5 years so maybe that's why he thinks I'm still a kid. :( (oh well)

Also, for a few days, he hasn't been near me like whenever I see him. Usually when he comes home or goes out and we won't see each other for some time he gives me a hug but he hadn't been for the past few days. When I asked him he just said 'I know but it doesn't mean I don't love you'. I asked him the reason for it and he just said 'I don't know'. He wouldn't say anything else after that so I just left it afraid it would turn into an argument.

Yesterday I was really hurt when he came home from uni, he put his bags down, like he normally does, and turned round ready to give me a hug, like always but then he put his hand out to shake my hand!! I was so hurt by this because I expected to get a big hug from him especially after the conversation we had before. I felt like crying upstairs. (But I didn't) Instead I made my mind up, that I wasn't going to talk to him. If he wasn't going to tell me the reason for acting like this, then I was gonna like 'this'. (Plus I was extremely hurt) He noticed though, that I went straight to my room to do my homework and stayed up there till later evening. He texted me asking why I was upstairs but I just replied 'work'. [I wanted to see if he would come after me for a change because it felt like I was the one chasing him and he kept running away whenever he got the chance]

But he didn't....

He didn't even ask what was wrong with me, why I wasn't talking to him properly. I expected atleast that. [He has a habit of getting all moody on me when I'm the one upset with him. I guess he expects me to just tell him what's wrong without him having to ask. But I want to see him chasing after me for a change! I want him to show that he cares!]

And now we haven't talked since yesterday afternoon. :( [Normally when we aren't talking, I still text him good night and good morning and he replies. But I didn't this time because I wanted him to make the effort]

But he hasn't ....

When I asked my mum why he was acting like that, she said that he's not going to hug me now because of what my mum said to him. [told you he was stubborn] Why does he torture me like that? I want to ask him all these things in my head but I don't want to be chasing after him like always. I don't know what to do. I know he won't text me or talk to me first because he's expecting me to. (like always!!) But guess what, I'm not gonna!

He doesn't know half the things I do for him. :( I just wish he'd appreciate it a bit more. I know he loves me a lot. He really does. If it makes any sense, I've seen it in his eyes. And it's the little things he does for me and nobody else that proves it. I want him to show it more so I don't have to keep reminding myself 'he still loves you no matter what'.

What should I do? :'(

View related questions: cousin, teasing, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I finally got to talk to him on text but that didn't change much. We actually got into another argument. :S I was out shopping and he was out somewhere else otherwise I would have done it in person. (I doubt it would have been much different though)

I started off by saying, 'I really wana talk to you. I don't know what your thinking but I want to sort this out.' Then I explained the reason I wasn't talking to him which was obviously that I wanted him to make an effort and talk to me and ask me what was wrong. I also said that I waited so long for him to say something but now I know he's never going to and I can't wait so long. I ended by saying that I love him so much and I care about him.

His reply was pretty much simple. He said that I always say that I was waiting for him to say something whenever we have a fight and that I created all this for no reason by not talking to him.

He just accused me of everything instead of understanding what I'm trying to say. I got really mad at him because I thought after a week nearly, he would have atleast tried or wanted to stop all this and be normal again. But no! He just carried on with the accusations.

So I said that he can't say that because I always make the effort and have to compromise and just this once I wanted him to come after me and he didn't bother. I even admitted it was a stupid reason to be upset about (him not giving me a hug as usual) but I said big or small, it hurt at the same and he should understand that. (I also, got a bit carried away and said that if he can't understand me then just kill me) :( But he's the one who once said to me that when you love someone so much, even the smallest of things can hurt. And what happened hurt me a lot even though it may seem stupid to him.

But he kept saying the same thing so I said that I was the one not talking to him with whatever the reason but he wasn't upset with me. Then why did he stop talking??

His excuse was that he tried but I didn't reply properly so he didn't want to again. :S What kind of excuse is that? (He always does that. He tries once and once only and then later says atleast I tried. I'm a girl, so I expect him to try atleast more than once especially if I'm mad at him) I always keep conversation going when he's mad at me and I know I'm wrong so that he forgets about it or atleast we don't stop talking for so many days. I mentioned this to him but he was so rude by saying don't try and persuade me when that's not what happens.

Despite all that I still said to him that I'm still not upset or angry with him and just wana sort this out and because I miss him and that I've seen what I wanted to see. He just replied that I've seen everything too. I asked him what he was talking about but he just accused me of just texting him and talking on my mum's saying. I got really angry by this and I was hurt that how could he think that. When all I've been saying all this time is that I want to sort it out and talk to him! :'( To make it worse, he said if I lie he will know. Why would he say something like that at a time like that. If he really wanted to sort it out then he wouldn't have said that. It sounded like he was only talking to me because he had to so I said if you don't want to talk to me then just say so. And he said yh I don't want to talk. He said that it was my solution not his to this problem. What the hell was he talking about? He then said talk to me when you're a bit calm. (This was in response to when I said if you don't understand me then just kill me) He also said that was another solution. :O I was shocked. I couldn't help but burst into tears. Was he in his right mind? I just said think whatever you want, keep on thinking it and stay with your thinking.

It went from bad to worse! :'( Now I don't see any hope of it getting any better. All my mum said was that if he wants to sort this out or not and if he does talk to you or not at least you will know if he's the right one. :( I love him so much but I'm also starting to think that he might not be the one since we don't understand each other and don't get along. But I'm scared to admit it. :'( I think back to the good times we had and he's totally the right guy but right now, he's totally wrong.