A
male
age
41-50,
*alency
writes:She's 25, and very beautiful. I'm 32, and not. We met at a summer school being held at a university. I have been deeply and desperately in love with her for nearly two years. No matter what I do the feeling does not fade. I made a clumsy pass at her once, and she shut me down, and since then, I have been afraid to tell her how I feel. I do not understand our relationship. I am not sure if she thinks of me as a friend. For a while we rarely talked, and only on a "professional" level. Over the past 9 months we've become much closer. Now we exchange emails regularly, say once a week, and I talk to her on the phone sometimes, say once a month, but I am always the one to make contact, then she responds. She is a naturally warm and loving person; she charms everyone she meets. When we have talked I have found her astonishly easy to talk to. For example, I have always been very shy, and I have confessed to her about my shyness and loneliness. She has been incredibly sweet and understanding whenever I have talked about it. Yet still there is some distance between us. I fear she may see me as needy.I will be visiting the city she lives in in the next two weeks and I have asked to catch up with her for a coffee at lunchtime. I want to ask her out, but somehow it's so difficult to find the right way to ask her. Actually, what I really want to do is tell her I love her. I love her so much, and the feeling only gets more intense over time. I hang on every email and every phone call. The pressure to just blurt it out is extraordinary. But how can I? I know she doesn't feel the same way about me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2008): If all the good looking people only married good looking people none of us would ever have partners.
Life is not a Hollywood movie where the hero and heroine are picture perfect.
Getting a woman's heart is like storming a well manned fort.It needs strategies,careful planning and a lot of patience.
Do not expose your feelings.Mystery keeps the spark alive.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (1 December 2008):
 What you are experiencing is called limerance. We confuse it for love since we become possessed by a person. That isn't love... but none the less you have strong feelings that you are unable to deal with.
Eyeswideopen is correct. You will scare her off. You have a very casual relationship and without an actual relationship you really don't know this person. We tend to build them up into an image that is much greater than humanly achievable.
Take it slow. It is not appropriate most of the time to tell someone you love them the way you do if you are not in a relationship and have known them a while.
At this point she has no idea what's going on with you and I doubt she feels the same way since you remain at such a distance and are so so shy.
Do you even know if she has a boyfriend? Meet for coffee and tell her that you would love to see her again. Ask if she is free on the weekend. There is no way she is going to instantly just fall for you so be very careful!
I hate to say this, but women usually have quite a few men who want them desperately. I do feel bad for you as I have had intense crushes more times than I can count.
Not sure what finally breaks the spell. But it is like being under a spell that is for sure.
You might tell her that you have liked her a great deal for a long time and were wondering if she would be interested in dating. That would give you the answer you seek right away. Either she is interested or she isn't. Just don't tell her you love her or she will think you are a psycho.
But you need to know one way or the other instead of waiting and hoping for the magic to make it happen by itself.
Hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, oe2179  +, writes (1 December 2008):
 Give her little signs, or ask her on a date (just the two of you) and say it gradually. If she feels the same way, then it's meant to be... hope I helped,Good luck, x]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2008): Sounds like she is just being nice to you, because she feels sorry for you or something. Idk. I could be wrong, but blurting out "I love you" would definately make her run away, seeing as how the communication could be more than it already is.
A better way to communicate your fondness would be, "I really like you as a person, and I would like to talk to you more to find out more about you."
If she shuts you down again, than just try to find someone else. I shut my professor down, cos he came about it in the wrong way, and it scared me. I haven't talked to him for a year and 8 months, but I still think about him constantly.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 December 2008):
 I think you'd be making a huge mistake if you blurt out that you love her. She'll go running for the hills. Meet up for that coffee and if that goes well ask her out to dinner. And you're right, you never want to come across as needy, that's a big turn off for most ladies. Be like a turtle, slow and sure. Good luck.
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