A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My sister and I are very close, she's always had insecurities but her current boyfriend seems to be making them worse, not by abuse at all, but lack of attention and assurance. He suffers from anxiety which leads him to be distant with no sex drive whatsoever.. She takes this personally. It's gotten so bad that she bans me from wearing certain clothes, wearing my hair down or wearing too much make up, or even have pictures up of myself on Facebook - all in case he finds me attractive. I find it hard to deal with this because I've never seen her like this in past relationships so I know it's down to him and his treatment towards her, I know she needs constant re-assurance and compliments and attention from her partner which he's not giving.I oblige to these rules to keep her happy, but this controlling seems to be getting worse.. She's been banning me from talking to certain boys and not letting me go out with friends. She gets angry shouting, threatening she'll tell our mum things I'm ashamed of or she'll guilt trip me with her jealousy or she'll un-invite me to our plans if I'm wearing something nice etc.. How can I take a stand on this controlling? It's starting to take over my life! I don't want to upset her or make things worse for her!
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (4 July 2016):
Honeypie is right.
Your life, you live it. Start letting her control you, then everyone else will do the same.
If this guy is screwing her up this bad...guess what she needs to do?
The question is not how do I take a stand...it should be why am I not standing up to her?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 July 2016):
 How do you stop it?
By stop catering to her crazy whims. You are in fact reinforcing them by enabling her to emotionally blackmail you. If she doesn't want you post pictures of yourself, you can tell her to hide your photos or YOU can hide them from her.
YOU can not live your life walking on eggshells around your sister.
If she un-invites you because you are wearing something nice, then DO NOT go. Go do other things with YOUR friends. LET her see that she CAN NOT rule your life. She CAN NOT get her way ALL the time.
As for the guilt tripping to tell your mom. LET her. Guess who is going to look like a crappy sister by blabbing stuff? SHE IS. And then STOP for a while telling her personal stuff. IF she asks why, tell her you don't feel like giving her more ammo to blackmail you with.
STOP bending over backwards for her. She needs to figure out that she can't PUNISH you for what her BF does or doesn't do. She can't PUNISH you for not dealing with her anxieties. My guess is she feels like she can't control her own life, so she tries to control yours. Not OK.
Suggest she gets help.
I know you love her, but when you do EVERYTHING she wants you to do, even all the unreasonable stuff... you are REINFORCING that she has that right. She doesn't.
HELP her from a loving place instead by NOT enabling her. By helping her face her issues and hopefully dealing with them.
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A
female
reader, Deeksha  +, writes (4 July 2016):
 Just keep calm and spend some time with her. Help her dress up well and try to show her that she is beautiful too. Keep distance from her boyfriend. Show her how she has been ruining your privacy. I am sure she will understand.
And it's really kind and loving of you that you have chosen to help her out with whatever you can!
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