A
female
age
36-40,
*inkcat
writes:Hi,I'm writing this following my bf splitting up with me last night. I know there are things about me I need to change, but not sure how. I also wonder if there's a way we can be together again - we've had some really good times and after over a year with him I don't want it to all be thrown away.I get pretty insecure and worry that he likes other girls. This sort of stems from an incident when he really liked another girl and had no real interest in me. I've always wondered why it happened, and if it's going to happen again. That said, I even worry about little things- I don't mind if he finds other girls attractive, obviously I don't mind if he has female friends. But I do worry when he finds talking to them a lot more interesting than me -like if he seems to not be interested in my attem[ts at converstation but can laugh and joke with them easily -and I can't stand thinking that he's fancied other girls when we've been together.That said I know he would never cheat on me physically...i do believe you can cheat on someone mentally in a sense if you prefer someone else though.. When I think he likes someone else I feel panicky and find it hard to relax so even if I don't say anything it's probably obvious how I feel. I don't like feeling this way and would like advice on how to change this?I know I've been silly about things and know it's my behaviour that's been the driving force in pushing him away. Can I change or would the old habits just start up again? And do I have any reasonable chance of him wanting to be with me - I know he only hasnt split up earlier due to not wanting to hurt me. I don't know if he even really finds me attractive any more, and while I think we get on well most of the time, when he's stressed with work I'm the last person he wants to see, and obviously I annoy him by being antsy about other girls. I also feel confused because he seems so loving at times and so distant at others, and says he doesnt love me but does really like me.Would a letter saying I recognise my faults and would actively work to change help? Or is it too little too late? Would just no contact and trying to work on my insecurities (if you have any tips on how to?) and seeing what happens be better - but then I'm scared he'll meet someone else/completely move on/once uni finishes wont ever see him.Any advice would be most welcome.x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Dear Pink Cat,
I would leave him alone for a while. I know this is going to be really hard but I have found that men like space and women in the main do not! During this period of time work on your confidence and self control. I am sure you will bang in to him if you mix in the same circles so when you see him come across as happy and confident and in control of your own destiny not clingy or looking hopefully at him. If he sees you like this his interest will be re-awakened. This has happened for me lots of times and as always the less interested you appear to be the more they want you. Just try and be cool and don't hang around him when you see him again. I think he will come back to you after a while. Men do not think like us and I think he has just had enough for a while. Leave him alone, no texts, phonecalls, voicemails, e-mails or anything and he will calm down and re-evaluate what he had with you and want to come back. My old boyfriend actually told me if I had left him alone for a while then he would have returned but because I wouldn't leave things be and went on and on he couldn't stand it anymore. I believe him too.
Just give it a while - all the best xx
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (30 April 2008):
Well you seem to know what is happening and when it is happening so you just need to work on stopping it.
As soon as you feel those feelings coming just take a breath and tell yourself not to be so silly.
Give yourself a kick up the arse and just accept that he is going to have female friends. It is nothing to do with ho he feels about you.
Sending him a letter or email telling him you are going to work on it is a good idea, but then after sending it take a few weeks to get your head together and get stronger and more confident in your self.
You are going to have to take the risk that he might have moved on by the time you are ready to get involved again but hopefully by that time you'll be stable enough to cope with it.
If you are both leaving uni then a long distance thing would be really really hard. You have to have complete trust.
Get yourself stronger for yourself. Guys love confident happy girls so you'll be able to attract him back better if you sort yourself out, or move on and find someone else eventually instead.
Good Luck!! xx
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