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anonymous
writes:What a great site with assistance from people worldwide. Thanks in advance to all who respond...much appreciated.In about a weeks time I am planning to fly to another city to visit my brother and his second wife who have a two year old daughter. I also have a twirienty five year old nephew living there with my brothers first wife. My brother is a pretty successful guy and his second wife is thirty years younger and he has a two year old daughter now in his early sixties.The divorce was acrimonious with my former sister in law still badmouthing my brother ten years on and saying he neglects his two children by his first marriage.My niece and nephew were pretty hurt that my brother picked up and started another family...again...events out of my hands.My brother has not badmouthed my former sister in law to me and I actually like both his wives. My sister has sided with my brother and does not have much contact with his first wife but she and I have been friends for many years and I have kept a collegial relationship with her for the sake of his two children by hisfirst marriage.I have had headaches when I visited in the past. When I have visited in the past my brother was upset that I stayed with his first wife but he never asked me to stay. Last time I was there my brother had a houseful and I came up with the plan of staying in a hotel which I really liked.I can see the battlelines being drawn again as now both my brother and first wife have asked me to stay.I just got a text from my sister in law asking if I will be staying with her as of course I want to see my nephew....of course I do.Does anyone else get tired of sidestepping the immaturidy of others? I am not a pawn in their ongoing war and am considering a hotel as it is impartial or staying a couple of days with my brother and a couple of days with his first wife...neither of these arrangements will be popular but I feel that I cannot win.Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you handle it? Any thoughts on how to handle might help. I guess if I was being really assertive I could say I am not coming but that would mean I would not see my niece and nephew.I have an ex I am on civil terms with so this baffles me.My brother and his wife were together for thirty years and have been apart for ten.Thanks everyone.
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reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (8 August 2016):
 I don't think you should feel the need to be negotiating anything. They, on the other hand, need to be accepting of your decisions, what ever they are. personally Id be taking are harder line of suggesting they both act their age instead of their shoe size and stop sapping the fun out of being the aunt that the kids deserve and you want to be. I love you ( brother) and I like her (ex) time to get over it. All the best
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 August 2016):
 I agree with Auntie BimBim
IF your friend (the ex-wife) starts to badmouth NIP IT in the bud in a nice and polite way, but also in a way that she can't dismiss it.
And if your nephew needs to vent, be kind and listen.
Don't forget YOU got to do you. WHAT you feel like doing, if YOU want to split your time, DO it. They will get over it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (8 August 2016):
 Spend some time with your brother and his current wife, and some time with his ex wife and your nephew ....
If your brother complains explain to him he have divorced his wife but you never divorced your friend, and that you want to spend some quality time with your nephew.
If the ex wife complains, or starts the bad mouthing, just put your hand up and say ... Jill, you are my friend, and I love you, HE is my brother and I love him. Don't enter into any discussions with her.
However, if your nephew wants to talk about his dad, especially as you say his father's actions hurt him, then put on your caring Aunty Hat and listen to him.
I hope its not too dismal for you.
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