A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey hope you can help. I don't have many friends and those I do have seem to care only about themselves. When they have problems they turn to me and while I am willing to help and offer advice, I often get frustrated when, once i need to turn to them, they have no time for me at all.One of them is so foolhardy and irresponsible it is almost ridiculous. She gets herself into all kinds of scrapes. She's got a kid whom she adores, but when it comes to money and relationships she is a total mess. She is often in debt, yet when she sells something to make a bit of money, rather then paying her debts off she goes and spends it on something else. In the past six months she has got herself into some very stupid situations. She tried to make a bit of money in an effort into paying off her debts, but ended up not getting paid. By then she had borrowed money off both her parents and myself, and now she cannot pay us back. The men she gets involved with are not at all suitable, she jumps from man to man, toys with their affections, then when it blows up in her face, doesn't realise it could be the way she treats them.I tried for a while to distance myself away from her, but obviously I am a glutton for punishment, because I keep going back to help her, not with money now, but hopefully sage advice. I admit I can be a little blunt in my opinions and very careful with money and make decisions after careful consideration and i know everyone can't be the same, but she always says, after things have gone wrong again, i should have listened to you. Its becoming a stuck record, because obviously she doesnt listen to me and I end up getting annoyed.I don't want to not have her as a friend, because though she has lapses of judgement, she is funny and warm and pretends to be bolshy, but if she didnt have people to listen to her problems she won't be able to cope and thats the problem of why i won't leave her to things. But then there is the rub, when i have problems though only minor ones compared to hers, she has no time for me at all.So how can i strike a careful balance in this friendship?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (24 June 2008):
 Hi, My thought is that you have to decide what it is, you
want from this friendship. It is obvious to you, from your letter, that you know, as a person, she is incapable of being a friend, that you can depend on for advice and counsel. She is a taker, there are those of us who are like that, she happens to be one. So, there are great things that you like about her, nice things, but on the other hand she is a mess about some very important things, and it aggravates you when she does not listen to you and things turn out, as you said they would, bad, and she acknowledges that. So now what? Do you stay in the friendship knowing how she is, she will probably not change, if you can accept her as she is, then great, but you are not going to receive half of what you would like from the friendship. Therefore, it will be, that you accept her as she is, and find someone else who is stronger than she is, to help you, when you need someone to lend on, and continue to be there for her. Because as I see it, there is something that you are getting out of this, which satisfies you in some way. Maybe it is that you think of yourself as a mother figure to her, regardless of the age, we all take on different roles in life with people, and this is why you put so much of yourself into the friendship. Whatever it is, again, if you are alright with the role you are playing, then all is well, if not, back off a bit and let her learn, and she will, to do without your shoulders. Call it tough love for a friend. Otherwise continue on with things as they are. But remember it is your choice. Be good to yourself.
You might want to read "Letting Go: Stop Chasing Ghosts", which can be found at: www.socyberty.com/writers/quiet+voice.8137
Hope it sheds a little light on the situation. Take care always.
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