A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m currently dating a girl who’s a senior at the college I just graduated from, and we are, for this semester, doing a distance relationship. We see each other about once a month, though I have a job lined up near the college for the spring so the distance aspect will end. We’re very happy and quite committed to this. However, I worry about her when she goes out to parties and drinks with her friends. We’ve discussed this, as both of us enjoy going out, and she turns down guys who flirt with her or try to dance with her. She’s also given me no reason not to trust her and has given me assurances that there is nothing in the way she behaves when I’m not there that I wouldn’t be comfortable with. So I guess my question has two parts: first, how can I stop worrying about her when she’s out? I think part of this is that I’ve been cheated on multiple times by multiple partners (3 of the 4 people I’ve dated seriously prior to this girl were unfaithful), so even though she’s done nothing wrong, my past makes me worry. Also, she does like getting drunk with her friends, and I know what can happen due to alcohol. (I don’t want this to be a discussion about the destructive power of alcohol. We both enjoy drinking with our friends, and I certainly don’t want to be the overbearing, controlling boyfriend who tells her not to drink or not to go out.) Does anybody have any tips or strategies for dealing with my worries while she’s out? I haven’t brought this up with her because she’s been great and I don’t think she should have to deal with my insecurities. I keep myself occupied and have my own social life, yet still I worry.Second, very occasionally she’ll drink too much and not remember exactly what happened the night before. This makes me worry even more than her general going out/drinking. She’s very attractive and does get a lot of attention from other guys. Again, her memory loss occurs rarely, but it still bothers me. Is it unreasonable to raise the issue and ask her to draw a line?
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 November 2012):
 I think what you are feeling is completely normal. And I don't think you can or should convince yourself that you should feel otherwise.
Your girlfriend is playing with fire and it sounds like she may have a problem -- or will have a problem -- with alcohol. One of the first early signs of it is blacking out and you have sort of alluded to the fact that she does get so drunk that she doesn't remember anything.
Alcohol does lower one's inhibitions and I think it is a matter of time before something happens. One of my mottoes is that nothing good ever came from being drunk.
I think you've earned the right to worry and there's no magical, new-age cure for it. You are dating a party girl and worrying about what happens comes with the territory. If you can't handle it, I suggest you go out with her to her watering holes or find a new girlfriend who has outgrown the bar scene.
I wish I had a better answer for you other than the stock: let it go -- if she is going to cheat on you, nothing in your power will be able to stop it.
Eddie
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to add that I'm not sure the title of the question gives an entirely accurate picture of my problem -- the memory loss issue is definitely secondary to my more general concerns about my girlfriend when she goes out. She rarely forgets what happened, and she doesn't always get drunk when she's drinking with her friends. I'm asking more about my own worries and insecurities than about her drinking.
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