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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: What can I do to stop the hurt of body issues?Last night I was with my boyfriend watching one of these silly comedies, you know, a la American Pie. It wasn't Amreican Pie, but it was that style.You know, it wasn't even pornographic - but there were hot naked girls. And I felt so hurt, thinking that my boyfriend enjoyed it. Thinking that I come up short, and that I'll never be anybody's fantasy. Wondering why aren't real women displayed more foten, why aren't we pretty enough for the big screen? The male leads were all ugly, typical looking guys. Why can't it be the same for women?I know all of that is skewed thinking... I need a way to tackle it and make it go away!This is not a problem with my boyfriend. He knows how I feel, and he's wonderful and caring trying to make me feel better. But he's not the problem, it's not his fault, this comes from before I was with him, it's just that now it's stronger than ever. I feel so bad, because I know it also hurts him to see me go through this, and I wish I could relieve him from this. I know that if I wasn't with him, I'd be in the same place. And I don't want him to be constantly reassuring me, he's done nothing wrong! Yet, I cry. I look through a fashion magazine, and I cry. I see some movie like that, and I cry. I see plastic surgery shows, or when I go to the beach, etc, and I hurt so much! Maybe I don't really cry sometimes, but I cry in the inside.Help, how can I feel sexy in my own skin? How can I stop this inferiority complex? How can I look at all these women and feel good about myself anyway? How can I make the PAIN stop? Please try to symphatize, this is serious! I think it's a real emotional or mental problem...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): I know, I feel the same way.
And I wonder (as was said by Replacement), as men get bombarded with "hot naked girls" all the time, and they get de-sensitized, what do they think about when they see our(ie girlfriends, wives) "not so hot"- breasts? They must be waaayyy de-sensitized to that then?
Personally it helps if I limit my exposure to these goodlooking women. (Can of course not avoid them altogether...) And I refuse to watch movies with them with my husband. Because I spend more time looking at his face when they are on, than the movie. Trying to figure out what he is thinking... Does he like them better than me etc...
I have also asked him not to remark on them, to me. (Like saying wow or she is hot or something like that)
Even though he tells me that 5 min after seeing them he has fogotten about it. The problem is I havent! And I lay at night obsessing about it...
My husband tells me he cant avoid exposure to girls and he looks automatically. I have said that is fine, but I am not happy with him deliberately searching out things so he can look at them (ie explicit movies or magazines etc) and he is keeping to that at home.
I also try and watch my diet and to exercise. This will never make me look as good as THEM, but the endophins generated lifts my mood a lot! And I feel good (I try not to compare myself to the girls at the gym). This feeling then counter acts the poor body image these girls generate in me.
I also stop and try and by grateful for what I have which these women dont. (Children, job that doesnt make me lose respect for myself etc)
I also look around when i shop etc and see most of the women look like me. There will be one good looking one in the whole super market. But the rest of us look normal and we are ok.
Thanks
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (4 August 2008):
Watch this video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U
THAT is why all the girls in magazines and films looks so perfect.
Lighting, make up and computer graphics. Body Doubles as well!
When you see these girls on screen you just have to tell yourself. THEY ARE NOT REAL!
If they want to do a shot of an arse, they'll bring in a girl with a perfect arse. Then swap her out for a girl with perfect boobs for another shot.
We all have good bits and bad bits. It's just about making use of what you have and hiding the rest.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (4 August 2008):
 The movies arent real life and lots of these girls starve themselves, have personal trainers and obsess about their bodies non-stop. They may look good on screen but in person they are probably not all that nice as people. Of course there will always be exceptions to that and some women will also have a good body naturally.
Dont compare yourself to them, to most men they are unattainable and there is no harm looking. I look at good looking muscly guys on telly and think phwoar but I wouldnt trade my husband for one single one of them, its just fantasy x
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (4 August 2008):
"Wondering why aren't real women displayed more foten, why aren't we pretty enough for the big screen? The male leads were all ugly, typical looking guys. Why can't it be the same for women?"
Haha... It's not really skewed thinking as you said, it's actually pretty true. My girlfriend has noticed this too and it bothers her as well. She's always asking me where is her eye candy, because I get plenty. I feel for you (and her), it must be frustrating to feel ignored by the mainstream media. I don't know why it can't be the same for women, I for one think movies would be a lot more interesting if they stopped catering to one very specific taste in women that not all men share but I digress.
There ARE lots and lots (and lots and lots) of "hot girls" in movies, mags, TV, etc, etc. Your boyfriend WILL be exposed to them no matter what, it's unavoidable, he doesn't even have to seek them out because they are everywhere.
But that's the thing, too much of it can become a bit dull, and a man becomes desensitized to the images. It gets to a point where we don't even notice them, let alone get excited by them. Once we're past our early twenties (or late teens, some guys get over it faster than others)- most of us are just sort of... numb to it. So we might see a "hot naked girl" and be like "oh look, breasts... what should I have for dinner tonight... does the car need gas?..." You get the picture. The more we see, the more mundane it becomes. I'm pretty sure this is a natural result of oversaturation. Eventually it will happen to your boyfriend if it hasn't already.
Anyway, you should also try to give him a bit more credit. I've seen a fair number of those raunchy comedies, and the nudity might be shoved in there to titillate but if the film is any good, he'll be too wrapped up in how funny it is to have time to become aroused or really enjoy the nudity on any other level. If the movie's crap it's probably relying on the boobs to draw in an audience (that coveted 12-18 year old male demographic) and in that case you'll have become so fed up of it by the time the nudie scene rolls up, you'll probably either be asleep or searching for the remote to get the bloody thing off the tv.
I know this doesn't address your real root cause of the issue, but I'm trying to reassure you that these thoughts are in your head, not your boyfriends. Unless he's a bit empty headed, he's not drooling into his lap fantasizing about the kind of women that are employed to play "hot naked girl #2" in adolescent comedies.
You sound like a really intelligent, self-aware woman but you have developed insecurities like most young women and girls do. It's unfortunate, and you are somewhat a product of your environment but more importantly you can take control of the way that you perceive yourself. Forget about your boyfriend and the girls in magazines- ultimately all you have in life is yourself, and you need to be focusing on things that make you happy. I'm sure that there's nothing wrong with the way that you look, and I'm sure that you are a more unique and special woman than the types that you're worrying about. How boring would the world be if everyone fit into one cookie-cutter mold? You might be thinking that you desperately want to fit into that mold, because you want to be "hot" and a "fantasy" object but honestly the kinds of guys who are only interested in that one kind of woman... aren't exactly "catches" themselves... why would you want to be appealing to the lowest common denominator? You can do better than that. And I really mean it.
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