A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf used to sleep with his baby momma after they separated, on and off from what i can gather. I know its not while he has been with me, but it makes me feel insecure or that he still has feelings for her. How do I stop obsessing about this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): I wonder if you recently had a breakup with someone before you met your boyfriend? I wonder if you have had men cheat on you in previous relationships? Did you meet this man on a rebound? Did you ever love anyone before you met your boyfriend? Did you have sex before you met him?
If any or all are true; you haven't fully healed from some previous trauma experienced in some old failed relationships. You are going to kill your relationship with this cynical attitude and distrust toward men.
WE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME. Own the responsibility that you made some bad choices in the past.
So it carries over fresh in your mind. You envision him experiencing pleasure with another woman who shares not only his body, but a child between them. You see that as a special bond that can never be broken. Then get out of his life before you ruin it. He is also taking a chance with his heart, by giving it to someone who is unsure what to do with it.
As "So very Confused" has pointed out. Why should something that happened before you came along matter? It is likely he slept with several women before you came along. Is it the fact that this one has a face? Do you envy the fact she produced his child? If that was a planned event, it would have happened within marriage. It is what it is.
Your behavior is illogical. Just remember that he is no longer with her. By choice! She was unable to offer him the things he needed emotionally that would have kept them together. Even friends with benefits failed to bring him back to stay. Be glad they're not enemies. Your life would be a living hell for being the new girlfriend.
She offered him sex after the breakup; because she was unable to fully move on. She had hoped this would give him reason to stay. She was clinging to him out of desperation and trying anything she could to maintain a connection. It just didn't work. He left her. Now he is with you.
FWB was an agreement made between them, to deal with their breakup. One of the two hoped they would get back together. You only prolong the agony of the breakup. He has successfully moved on. He found you to find love again.
Try to workout this inner turmoil you have inside you. Let go of the pain that other men may have inflicted on you in the past. Write all their names on a piece of paper and burn it. They're gone. It's over. Forget about 'em!!!
If you don't, he will pickup on your insecurities and he will withdraw from you. Being with you will become a chore; because you always need reassurance. Your anxieties will turn into constant text messaging. Always following up on his whereabouts, out of fear he is with her. You'll start checking his phone messages, and going through his belongings. Snooping around to find evidence he is cheating.
You will obsess over it and drive him crazy.
Nothing is more irritating to a man, than an insecure woman.
Were you a virgin when he met you? He has to deal with the fact you slept with other men, if you aren't.
Your jealous mind will become filled with visions of them together, and you'll act out on it. That is totally irrational, and you better get a grip before you end your relationship. Misplaced jealousy is a nasty human emotion. It is poisonous to relationships.
A man has to feel his woman is strong, with or without him.
We don't deal well with heart-broken, needy, and over-emotional women. In fact, men are allergic to drama and female insecurity. That breaks up more relationships than cheating. The minute we feel we are not trusted, we want to leave. We know what comes with it.
Insecure people become a burden, and they drain your energy. They're needy, clingy, and tiresome.
You are predicting your relationship is over, before it has really started. You feel he is still in love with her, and will eventually leave you for her. You think they're still secretly together. You think you might be wasting your time. Ever hear of self-fulfilling prophecy? Google it!!!
He will always have feelings for her. She is the mother of his child. They had a relationship once. It was not strong enough to keep them together. Not even for the sake of the child. How much more do you need to convince you?
Maybe you shouldn't date men who have children or go find yourself a virgin.
She once was his woman. He may have loved other women. They don't just disappear off the face of the earth because you have come along.
Madame, you are not a teenage girl. You are a fully mature woman. Please behave accordingly. Wipe all that nonsense out of your mind, and look at what you have. A man who has given up other women to be with you. Work with what you have. Appreciate what you have. If you don't, you will drive him into another woman's arms and far away from YOU .
Focus on making yourself strong, and independent. Adopt the attitude that you don't need a man; but you want a man to love you. If you've been hurt before; you have learned to survive in spite of it. Allow those wounds to heal. Don't keep them open. Love yourself and allow yourself to be loved. I know you're scared. You're supposed to be. It's a your strong sense of survival.
You can't give the power to imprison your heart, to the men who hurt you in the past. You have to take it back. So you can move on. Otherwise, you will kill one relationship after another. Then it's not their fault, it's yours!
We take risks with all relationships. People may have loved others before they met us. The thing is, all the other relationships failed. So now you are together, and you need to push junk out of your head, that may cause you to behave in a way that will jeopardize the success of your present relationship. Drop that baggage. Shake it off.
A relationship survives on what both people bring to the table. One person does not owe the other more. It may not always go 50/50; but you work to maintain balance and order.
Give and take. Fight and forgive. Earn and give trust.
Praise each other for what we do good, and forgive each other when we falter. Support each other, and support ourselves independently. That's how it works, dear lady.
He cannot erase the past; and nor can you. You have to start thinking in the present; and being thankful someone cares for you "today."
A
male
reader, DanielBeinvinda22 +, writes (8 May 2013):
if it's a gut feeling, that's because he probably is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): if it's a gut feeling then he probably is.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 May 2013):
So do you still want to sleep with every guy you ever slept with? Because that seems to be the logic you're applying here.
In their situation they obviously weren't fully separated or they wouldn't have been still sleeping together.
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A
female
reader, AlisaJade  +, writes (8 May 2013):
 I can almost fully relate to you on this, my now fiancé has two boys with his ex wife and I felt all those emotions of insecurity, and even now I will question whether he has feelings for her...every weekend when he went to pick the boys up (sometimes I was in the car when he went in) I use to really freak and think they were up to something or that she was trying to win him back somehow.In my opinion the truth is you will never FULLY stop having the silly thoughts and ideas crop up once in a while, and it does get easier in time. That said you need to remind yourself that they are just that...Silly!! I found it easier when his ex wife found another partner, and also when I had my boys with my partner, but we had a lot of issues surrounding the ex wife, and her behaviour as a parent so all that made it a bit harder for me to accept till I had my own child.I'm not saying have his baby and you will feel better because if anything that can make things 10 times harder, but what I am saying is give it time and shake it out your head. Could there be a chance for you and his mother to meet and get along? I would love that chance with my partners ex wife but unfortunately we have come to an understanding for the kids sake and that is how it will probably stay.. but it may help ease your mind if you knew her a little better?? Sadly though as much as they deny any type of "feeling" towards the woman baring a first born I believe they do and probably always will have something there towards that woman, but it doesn't come from Love, or being in love with them. It steams from the love they have for their child.. their child will forever connect them and that is something you may need to think about. If their is no chance of knowing this woman better, are you able to accept that you may never know her thus never truly understanding the type of relationship they had and possibly never truly accepting that it is over between them? I guess what it truly comes down to is trust, can you give up these silly obsessions because you trust your partner, or can your partner prove he is worthy of that trust and allow you to meet her and interact with her not only for you but also for the child as you will play a role in its life and a good relationship between you all will help that child adjust to the new arrangements.Speak to him about these concerns and share why you think you have them... discuss what might make it easier for you to accept but NEVER try to break between him and his child because of you insecurities towards its mother. (not saying you would but too many people do try and its not good)Hope this helps some. Thanks
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 May 2013):
 So he had a friends with benefits arrangement with a woman before you came along. Would it be different if she was not the mother of his child?
why would what he did before you make you feel so insecure?
See I can't tell you how to stop obsessing until I understand why this bothers you.
You mentioned the baby.I'm not sure why you think the fact that they had a child together, broke up and then had casual sex is all related? Like I said, if she had not had his child and he did this would it bother you as much?
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