A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone! I've wrote about this situation before, but this has taken another twist, which is awfully strange. After a very stressful week with his mother, my boyfriend has admitted that he sees his mom is "jealous" of me and "feels as if she has competition, but not in a sexual way." The whole notion of feeling such emotions towards your adult child and his girlfriend is ludicrous to me and I need advice. This is long, but the set-up and story are necessary. If you take the time to read and respond, I really am forever grateful. Thank you and happy holidays!!!Some background: My boyfriend and I have been dating for six months. We both still live at home. He is an only child of a single Mom. I am one of two daughters and my parents are still together. My bf is 22. I am nearly 21. I've been struggling with understanding and coping with the relationship my boyfriend has with his Mother since about two months into our own relationship. It is rather... odd. She babies him to no end and treats him as if he is fifteen. She constantly takes away his right to drive the car they share (which he entirely maintains and fuels; she just bought it originally and it is a rather old car.) or tells him she will ground him if he is out too late. She calls him while we are together often to tell him stupid things, like it might be rainy later, or that because of said stupid thing he should come home early, which ranges from 10 PM to 1 AM. She has called him several times to get her dinner and such while he is in the middle of being out with me while there are two other adults in the household, who both have cars, are able bodied, and never leave the house because neither work, but instead receive government assistance and such. She does indeed take away his car. These aren't idle threats. She tells him she doesn't care if I have to drive double the distance to pick him up and see him. She tells him he lacks respect for her, even though she seems to lack that for him. His Mother is diabetic and has been for roughly fifteen years, like my Mother (both type 1), and from the time I have been around her and the stories I am told, I see she does not control her illness well and then plays up how bad she feels. Some days, she urinates very often, has frequent mood swings and has horribly clouded eyes, in which she is prohibited from driving at night and recommended to not drive at all, which indicates high, untreated sugar. Other days, she over-treats and that results in her blood sugar to dip to dangerously low levels, but doesn't do much to aide in raising it to a healthy level (I've witnessed this with my own eyes!). She doesn't seem to take the proper medication. All of these things seems odd for a woman who has had the disease so long. She goes into the hospital several times a year for things that can easily be avoided, i.e. low blood sugar (hypoglycemia), which I treat at HOME and deal with with my own mother, but nowhere near as often, as my mother actually controls her disease. My boyfriend's Mother refuses to instruct him or the rest of the family in the household as to how to treat such situations, what pills and insulin regimen she uses, or even what her doctor tells her. She has created a dangerous situation and has made the house fearful, but entirely ignorant of her condition, which I do partially blame them; they should be researching and demanding more of this info from her. Regardless, I see that she uses her illness as a manipulative technique over her son. She makes him feel guilty for not being by her side constantly because she is "so sick" and also chastises him for "stressing" her out when he is not home by midnight. Because I see her disease is totally out of control by her own actions, I find it hard to feel sympathy for her and feel like she plays up everything to make him feel bad and to control him.This was exemplified this past week. She was hospitalized for hypoglycemia because no one in the household knew how to treat her, which is something all doctors press you to teach your family as soon as you are diagnosed. Everyone in my household knows how to treat my mother when this happens. This past Tuesday, my boyfriend and I had plans. He texted me early in the morning that he couldn't see me and that his Mom was hospitalized. I of course was concerned and told him to update me. As soon as I found out it was hypoglycemia, I was rather agitated, but didn't let on, and asked what exactly happened. He explained that she had been by herself in her room; others were in the household just not WITH her. Her sugar dropped to 25 and she took an entire thing of glucose tablets (roughly eight) immediately, but nothing was happening within the next few minutes. So she had them call the paramedics. Immediately, this didn't seem kosher to me. 25 is awfully low. I've seen my mother at levels as low as 30 - 50. By 45, she begins to lose motor skills, which I'm sure can vary from person to person, but she is a shaky, speechless mess and it is frightening. That's 45. At 25, I can't imagine anyone could verbalize anything. So, she was that low and told them to call the paramedics? Seems weird. Secondly, glucose tablets take ten minutes to digest. If your sugar is below 50, you are instructed to take 2-3 tablets in intervals of ten minutes. You took eight and nothing happened in ten minutes? That seems odd. I've treated my mother at 30, which is not far off, and glucose tablets worked just fine. All I ever do differently is give her a bit of juice to wash them down or soften them, as they are a bit hard and chalky, which can be harder to chew especially if your sugar is super low. Thirdly, diabetics of lengths of time can feel their sugar levels off. How could she not feel this drop AT ALL? I asked him if he witnessed her taking glucose tablets, her sugar reading on her testing machine, or any of the actual event besides being instructed to call the paramedics. He said that no, no one did. Needless to say, someone isn't telling the truth or something is off. The hospital got her sugar to a healthy range, instructed her and the family of what to do, and sent her home. He told me we would see one another the next day, but that he wanted to be with his Mom the rest of the day because he was so scared he might lose her. I told him he needed to learn how to handle her illness to protect his family and make said situations less dangerous and stressful. The next day, she went to the hospital again. For the same thing: hypoglycemia, which is causes by dosing too much insulin or improper eating (too little, too infrequently, or not at all). He told me, "Her sugar was really low again. She had taken her insulin and everything. I tried to give her soda. After ten minutes, it didn't go up so I called the paramedics." She took too much insulin, obviously, and they did not repeat the proper treatment enough to fix her sugar. It sometimes takes a few tries and multiple methods (juice and tablets, soda and just sugar packets, etc). I immediately knew this was either total mismanagement or manipulation. I became very upset and told my mother, who then told me this was crazy and "entirely f***ed up." She insisted I talk to him about it. So I voiced my opinion finally when he came over that night which his mother was pissed about and she tried to ground him from the car to prevent him from doing so; he didn't budge though because he had spent the past two days by her side and just wanted out for the evening. I then told him how strange this situation was and gave him plenty of personal stories of similar diabetic emergencies and situations I've been in, all of which never ended in a hospital visit nor happened multiple days in a row. I told him symptoms of mismanaged diabetes and how she displays an immense amount. I told him that none of this had to have happened if she were doing the right thing in informing him and his family. I told him she was creating a dangerous environment in which she could freely manipulate and control to play on everyone's fear for attention. He sat back and listened. He first argued with me occasionally and said that she was "just a private person and doesn't like sharing her business." I immediately retorted, "When it comes to life and death situations, you keep NO secrets from your FAMILY about an illness you have. Do you seriously believe that lie that you are force feeding yourself?" He paused and then said he didn't and began to cry about how horrible this all was and how stressful she made his life entirely. He had a good cry, I consoled him, and eventually I told him we should just try to enjoy the remainder of our night without any more talks of this, unless he wanted to talk further. He said no and we had a nice night.Before he left, he said he wanted to do something the next day together to de-stress and to make up for missing plans the day before. So, we got on the internet and found places to go to have a jam packed day. My car had a problem with one of my tires which I just had discovered that day. My dad told me not to drive it until he could really look at it or fix it, but my Mom said I could drive her car but mentioned she had to have the oil changed the next day (the same day we were planning the fun day). I told my boyfriend and asked if he would drive. He said sure, but said he didn't know what would happen with his Mom. He left for home, arrived around 2:30, and she was up waiting for him. She yelled at him about being out too late and abandoning her. He told her he wanted to see me and needed to get away from the stress for a bit, but hadn't abandoned her, especially after spending all day with her and the past day. Two other people were with her while he was gone from 7 pm to 2:10ish am: her Mom and sister. She said that it was ridiculous for him to see me during the week anyways when he needed to get up for work and that he shouldn't see me then. He became livid and told her that he was to the point of not wanting a thing to do with her and was ready to save up the money and get the BLEEP out. She said that he probably should and that he couldn't use "HER" car, you know the one that she doesn't pay to fuel or maintain and that she really isn't allowed to drive. The next night, after all of this stress, I took my boyfriend out for a nice dinner on me and treated him to a special day. My Mom saved the day and got her car finished early in the morning and urged me to take it to give him a fun day. I was so thankful. He was too. Later that night, he told me he had always known, even before he had met me, that the day he got a serious girlfriend his mom would "freak out." I asked what he meant exactly and he said, "I can tell that she is jealous of you being around. She acts like she has to grab my attention and steal it from you. She feels like she has competition, but not in a sexual way." I felt the wording of that was totally weird and just thought that he must realize how strange it is to have a Mom be jealous of a girlfriend and that he might want to point out she isn't totally sick in the head, but I don't know. His statement was really bizarre to me and I have no idea of where to go from here. My parents like him and trust me. They allow us to be adults. His mother and her behavior makes me uncomfortable and I honestly can say I really don't want to see her if I can help it. But I do realize that is his Mom. I really have no idea of what to do. I love my boyfriend like no other. He is the third man I have dated for a decent length of time and I can see myself being with him for awhile. The only thing that puts stress on us is his Mother, whom I realize is not going away. I know I can't and shouldn't make him pick between us, but I don't know if I could ever feel comfortable enough to be around her anymore or build a relationship with her. Should I talk to him about this? Are these feelings fair or unfair? Should I try to make a relationship with her? How?How should he go about
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): I would just like to say that her doctor should be informaed, I am not sure about what your doctor/patient confidentiality laws in USA, but here in Australia, doctors cannot discuss or act upon information about a patient that they get from other member's of their family. I do believe that she is being silly (to say the least) not discussing her health issues and how to handle them with her family. I understand how frustrating it is under the circustances, but the doctors may not be able to listen to your boyfriend with regards to his mother's health, unless she gives permission, and by the sounds of it she isn't likely to do this. I just wanted to let you know of this point, as it is extremely frustrating when you love someone and know that the doctor should be made aware but that he can't listen to what anyone but his patient has to say. I wish you all the luck, and Happy Holidays.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella,
Thank you so much. That other question was also me almost a month ago! It just keeps getting worse and worse. Thank you so much for all of your help and advice. I appreciate you reading so very much! And you've given great advice. Her doctor does need to be informed and I think you are right in that they are beginning to suspect she is doing something wrong. I will talk to him about this and I have been instructing him of how to handle emergencies. My mother also spoke to him an they had a great cOnversation and she also suggested he speak to her doctors. We also are pulling out some books and pamphlets to show/give to him for extra info on her illness.
He is in the midst of buying his own car. He is waiting for the title work to be finished and is arranging to insure the car. So, he is trying to fix the car situation. He is in a bad financial situation with his family and is the only one who works. So I am being as patient as possible when it comes to him purchasing the car. It isn't his fault that his family is so down and out and he is working so hard to provide for himself.
I know that she still will call and complain regardless of it being his own car or hers. So I will suggest turning his phone off. Recently, I asked if he might want to move out he said yes. So I am going to try to find low cost living arrangments for him and I plan on sitting down with him and discussing what we could make possible for him in his given situation.
I just don't want to be pushy and I honesty don't want to make him think I am trying to pull him away from his mom. I wish they could have a strong an open relationship. I have that with my Mom. She is my best friend. But he tries to confide in his own mom and have heart to hearts with her explaining how he wants the same with her, but the next day she is up to the same games. I feel like moving out and putting distance might be the only sOlution to help her loosen her grip and establish some boundaries. However, I also fear she will guilt him into letting her move with him!
This situation is so stressful. Nevertheless, I appreciate yours and everyone elses advice! Thank you! Happy Holidays!
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A
male
reader, planos  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 Yes be straight and talk to him. don't fear.be point blank. at times humans behave differently.but that's it.instead of swallowing it at all, be straight and talk.
in the end you will be the winner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): Your boyfriend has to be the one to sort this out with his Mum, you can support and encourage him to do so, but in the end he has to do it himself. Your right that you can't and shouldn't make him chose between you and his Mum.
Give him information on how to handle these emergencies with his Mum, because she is manipulating him with her illness.
If you can't ever feel comfortable enough to be around her or try to build a relationship with her in the future, your relationship may not last.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 December 2011):
 I just saw a question that I think would be one worth keeping an eye on as you both have a mother of the boyfriend who is just too over protective, namely:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriends-mother-is-too-protective.html
Your boyfriend's Mom is utterly too manipulative and she IS using her illness to make life hell. I would suggest that your boyfriend speak to his Mom's Doctor. Not that the Doctor can reveal anything about his Mom's treatment without her approval. But the Doctors may already suspect that his Mom is manipulating the situation. And it may be that his Mom needs to also speak to a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Because her actions are really dangerous to her own health.
She must put intolerable strain on your boyfriend.
Insist that your boyfriend get a lot more information on his Mom's medical condition. And how to react in an emergency. It is essential. And he will feel better when he is more able to insist that she behave in a responsible way about her illness. Because otherwise your Boyfriend may get so exasperated that he walks away from his Mom.
Your boyfriend should step up on this issue,
Also get one of those call buttons to put around her neck so that she can call for emergency help if she is down on the floor and feeling very unwell.They need you to leave at least two phone lines. Yes one can be him. But do not make you the other one.
And when you Do go on a date TURN OFF BOTH OF YOUR PHONES
The idea of his Mom interupting his dates is insane manipulation on her part.
If necessary speak to a social worker at the hospital on ways to handle a manipulative patient.
The Doctor needs to know that he has a patient with what may be emotional issues affecting her behavior and thus her illness.
your boyfriend is going to feel so torn between loyalty for his Mom and acceptance that his Mom's behavior is manipulative and wrong.
But don't you step in to be his Mom's second nursemaid as she will also ruin your relationship with your boyfriend.
look after you first, and your boyfriend second. But his Mom is NOT your responsibility. His Mom probably needs professional support to accept that it is time she acted like an adult and not a child who wants her own way. But your boyfriend is not yet ready to hear that. He has lived with his emotionally demanding mother all his life. He probably adores that you are not manipulative.
Of course you are a threat to his Mom - she has had her own way for so long and she is used to demanding that everyone JUMP to attention at her every demand. Her son is an adult now and this intolderable situation cannot continue. But hasten slowly as the whole issue is fraught with so much emotion and manipulation by his mother.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI meant to finish: How should he (my boyfriend) go about his situation with her? What can help solve an overprotective, jealous mother? Should he just try to move out?
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