A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:[MOD NOTE - OP's title]My last boyfriend cheated on me and broke my heart. I never want to go through that kind of pain ever again. Because of this, I am having a very hard time trusting my current boyfriend. My boyfriend has done nothing to make me think he is cheating. He has been patient all along with my insecurities and has reassured me he has never cheated nor does he intend to. I might be calm for awhile but I will continue to accuse him. Somehow I just cannot allow myself to let my guard down. He has been very patient with me because he knows I have issues with trust. But I am afraid his patience is now wearing thin as I have started to constantly accuse him. He seemed to be more upset with my accusations today. So I am fearing my badgering is finally getting to him.How can I fix this?I don't want to lose him because I love him so much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2015): Thank you everyone for your honest advice. I know you all mean well.
And everyone has made some excellent points. I can see things a lot more clearly now.
My boyfriend summed it up in a nutshell. He told me either to trust him or to leave.
He also apologized to me even after I was the one who was accusing him. I think he must have felt bad about how he reacted toward me. He really did not need to apologize. I can see why he was upset.
I think I have salvaged it for now. If I keep on the straight and narrow and learn to trust him, things will be great. Because we have such a wonderful time together and a strong chemistry and friendship.
I do have some issues to deal with and I may need some professional guidance on how to deal with those. I have not done a good job of doing this on my own.
It's just that the pain of ever going through that experience again scares me more than anything. I do not want to relive the days where I was up every hour of the night in agonizing pain and crying uncontrollably. Walking around the grocery store in tears. Having puffy eyes for months. Not able to eat. Sleep. Live. Everywhere I went I was in tears and deep anguish and inconsolable despair. Most of the world could see it too and probably thought I was some psycho. I felt worthless, ugly, not good enough. More alone than I ever felt before. Abandoned. Cut open. Torn apart. A sick, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. Feeling close to the edge every day. :(
I always put my walls up and have my defence mechanisms in place, convincing myself he will do me wrong. Then I get mad at him and blame him for things he has not done or may never do. I suppose every relationship has risks and these risks are assumed when you love anyone.
He told me he is not my ex boyfriend and not every man is going to hurt me. BUT.... when you have been badly burned in a fire and all you want to do is prevent yourself from being badly burned again, these words are little consolation.
I so want to believe him. And I will do my best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2015): First, thanks for writing; because it's good to get some real examples from OP's confirming the advice I've given in the past about carry-over insecurities, and baggage between relationships.
Insecurities KILL relationships. Work on them before you commit to someone. A good person deserves no less than what they offer you! No one is responsible for dancing around you on eggshells. If you're still damaged, you're not ready to be tampering with another person's feelings. He's innocent and he hasn't cheated on you. Stop making excuses
for mistreating him.
"Once bitten, twice shy!" This is an old-time idiom that is pretty common amongst us all who've been stung in a past relationship. The thing is, you're not supposed to carry baggage into a new relationship. So get a grip, girlfriend!
If you're not over the trauma of an old relationship; you're supposed to seek professional help if you can't get past the post traumatic stress. Not go punish some innocent person, because you don't have your head on straight.
I'm going to give you some tough love. If all you've got to bring to the table in a new relationship is your insecurities; exactly what does the new guy get out of the deal? Why should he be faithful, only to be insulted and accused of being a cheat?
What right do you have to put him through this, and using such a lame excuse as your "trust issues?" He has better things to do with his time, and should shield his heart and feelings from such abusive behavior from you. Yes, it is abuse! Psychological blackmail! Reverse roles, and consider what it would feel like if you were the accused?
It isn't simply trust-issues. It's also jealousy. It is the fuel behind your persistent accusations.
You shouldn't bring an innocent person's credibility and character under question, and dismiss your abusive behavior like it's just a little allergy. It's hurtful and toxic.
There is a little thing called "self-control;" and you'd do your relationship good to practice it. You're an adult and you know right from wrong. You do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You aren't ready for another relationship until you can deal with your issues from the past. He has no obligation to cure you, or pander to your weaknesses.
The outcome of the situation is quite predictable. He will tire of your attacks on his character, and he will dump you.
My dear, if you have issues with men. Don't sabotage all your relationships, so they all will have a predictable outcome. I know you're scared. We've all been there. It hurts like bloody hell to give your heart to someone, just for them to cheat and dash all your hopes and dreams on the rocks. It hurts all the way down to the soul.
A new man has come along to rescue you from loneliness. He deserves to be treated with respect, and the only emotions he deserves in return for giving you his heart, is your love and kindness. If he trusts YOU, he deserves that you try.
You're human, and also capable of mistakes. You wouldn't want to be punished before you commit a crime, would you? Just as a preventive measure. That is ludicrous!
Read my words and take them seriously. The point is to help you to hold on to what you've got. If I have to be a little mean to get the point across, so be it. You're setting yourself up for a very bad breakup. You're hurting someone!
The karma behind that, is that you'll ultimately hurt yourself!
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (28 January 2015):
Well, his patience WILL wear out and you WILL lose him if you don't knock it off.
I'm glad you realize that what you're doing to him is wrong, so that's the first step. The next step is to stop it, immediately. Stop relying on him to defend himself against your baseless accusations. Stop relying on him to reassure you and hold your hand over this. He can't make you feel better about this, only you, and perhaps a good counselor, can.
Are you sure you are ready for another relationship? Honestly I'm not at all sure you are emotionally healthy enough.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): It's the OP of the question.
Thank you, Xearo for your sound advice. I like the part where you said I need to start within my own heart and forgive myself. You are right.
I told him later that I was sorry. He said he was sorry too.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (28 January 2015):
Firstly, it is fine to depend on your partner for emotional support. It is not ok to dump your issues on said person expecting them to fix everything and prove your negativity right.
Life is full of mistakes and no one has lived a perfect life. To hold yourself back due to a few wrongs and mistakes in your past would be a disaster.
You seem to be aware of what you are doing to your boyfriend. But it also seems like you are taking him for granted. There is no on/off switch from fixing issues. You start from small and work your way into a better person. When you find yourself wanting to accuse and lash out, you can chose to hold back, perhaps re-direct your anger else where. Your emotions do not have to govern the things you physically. I say this knowing it is very difficult to do, but you have to start somewhere. Perhaps, you need to start within your own heart and forgive yourself.
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