A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't want to make a long post here, but my 4 year relationship ended because my boyfriend cheated on me with another woman.I know it's my boyfriends fault, but I can't help but feel so angry towards her as well. She knew he was in a relationship and didn't seem to care. She doesn't even like or want to be with him. She's actually 'involved' with about 5 other guys. I am so mad and upset that this happened. Worst part is that my ex still talks to her and all of his friends seem to like her. She seems to have a lot of friends. Is she just better than me?How can I move on from this? How can I stop feeling so angry towards my ex and her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): This is all fresh in your mind and you just lost your boyfriend. You have a right to be pissed as hell. However; you have given over all the power to her in the process.
Don't let that bitch turn you into a raving maniac. You are much too much of a classy lady.
She has a hold on you. She has you angry and jealous. She has pushed every button you have. The thing is. All this anger isn't changing anything. What's done is done.
You've been hurt. Pick up what's left of your dignity, and start focusing on something more positive. This happens to everyone at some point in a lifetime. A BF or a GF cheats and you're the victim of betrayal. Ouch! It hurts like hell.
You're going to go through a full range of emotions before you're able to absorb and process all this. She isn't better than you. That's just your anger talking. She uses people and likes being used. Not much comes of that. She'll either get pregnant or catch an STD. There is karma for all our sins. Her evil will revisit her, long after it's forgotten. She will feel what you're feeling someday.
Sex is a powerful force. It's often used as a tool to manipulate people. Your boyfriend wasn't happy in his relationship; so he's better off gone.
You will have to pull yourself together and start over. Now you have time to focus on yourself. He was a weakling. Obviously not boyfriend or husband material.
She doesn't want him or need him. So what does he benefit from all this? That's what he'll have to deal with. She took away everything he had in exchange for sex. When the dust settles, and he comes down off the high. Reality is going to hit him. It's going to hit him hard!
Wait until he realizes what he gave up. He is going to feel just what you're going through now. People don't appreciate what they have until it's gone.
Relationships go through stages. You are euphoric and blinded to all your partner's flaws when you first fall in love. Then you get through the honeymoon phase, and you realize each other's faults. Things aren't so rosy anymore. So he goes astray. He's searching for that bliss you once had. He didn't know how to recapture it with you.
He had four years to get to know you and he will never forget the wonderful things you both had. Sex with another woman seemed like a good idea at that moment. The consequences don't seem as serious at the time. Not it has hit the fan. He has a scorned woman on his hands!
She will go on her merry way and leave him behind to deal with your wrath, and his own guilt. He'll start to remember your kisses and hugs. Your laugh, your voice. How you you made love, and all the things you know how to do to make him feel good. He'll say she meant nothing. Too late. She took it all away just to get him off a few times.
Now all the power is in your hands. You have the power to reclaim your freedom and to move on and find someone better. To become a new woman and start a whole new chapter in your life. You can't see it now. That's in the future.
He is now a girlfriend's nightmare. A cheat. Word gets out. Do you really think they all really like her? His friends are just waiting for their turn. They all just see her as an easy shot, and don't have an ounce of respect for her.
I'm not trying to make you feel better. That's your job. I'm just telling you like it is. You don't need a man. If you think you do, you have some work to do. All you need is love, and if it isn't given with commitment to solidify it; it isn't real. If he loved you, he wouldn't let anyone come between you. So you begin to work on getting over him.
He will be alone to think about what he has done. How he hurt you, and threw away a relationship. He's got nothing to show for it. By self-elimination, you found out he is weak and unable to fully commit to you. Better now than after marriage. You are now once again a single woman, and you've got some healing to do. Make no man the center of your universe. Save some of that love for yourself. You need it for times like these.
Now you must cut off all contact with him. Pack his things, put them in boxes, and let his friends take them to him. You are in a rage now, but you're going to start to miss him and want him back. You'll be texting and calling, and totally miserable. We've all been through it. No matter how hard it will be, don't you dare try to contact him. Then he will use the power to work it against you. He'll hang up on you, ignore your calls or messages, and turn it all around to make you feel worse than you do now. Instead of him chasing you, you'll be chasing him feeling rejected. Keep this in mind for that one night when you've had one glass of wine too many.
So leave both of them alone. No matter how much that little voice inside tells you that you need to talk to him. Right now, you're too angry and it will never make any difference.
No more anger. No drunk texting, no screaming, no fights in public, or scenes. Keep the police out of your business. Just take your lumps and prepare to get your life back.
Resist the typical female drama. Don't let her see you sweat.
You must get it all out of your system. Cry, go through the self-blame, wonder what you did wrong, the shoulda-coulda-wouldah's. Then come back down to planet earth. This isn't your fault. It's his. He cheated. It was all about sex.
You're not a victim, unless you give them your soul. Don't let this destroy you. You have too much life ahead of you.
He wasn't the right guy. His relationship with you wasn't worth enough to him to have avoided all this. So now you know. Now you move on. Easier said then done. That's what you have to do, like it or not.
You're in shock. You'll survive. Now you turn to your family and your friends, and you work yourself through your pain and grief. It will not be easy, but as long has you have the support of those you love, you can get through this. Show your strength. Don't let anger consume you.
Anger is exhausting, and will make you do stupid things.
Read all you can about dealing with emotions after a breakup. Learn how to deal with the pain and grief, so you can start your recovery. Do all those things for yourself that you've neglected to do.
Have your girlfriends over for a pity-party. Just don't saturate everyone with your doom and gloom. The point is to take back what he/she/they took from you. Only you are responsible for your happiness. If you were counting on getting it from him, you've learned a lesson. Your happiness is in your own hands. You set the stage, write the script, and decide on the ending. Ask any strong woman and she'll tell you.
Reclaim your heart. Pull yourself together. There is absolutely nothing anyone can do to turn back the clock, so you have to move forward.
After you read this. Sit down and right yourself a letter. Tell yourself everything that he has done up to now that made you love him. Then all of his stinking irritating habits. Everything that makes you hate him. Read it to yourself and read it to your friends. Then tear it up.
That symbolizes your freedom, and you will start working to move on. Don't mail the letter. It is not for that purpose.
You will not take him back. You will forgive him. You will not accept calls, text messages, smoke signals, or any form of contact from this man. You will pretend he no longer exists. This will be necessary for your to begin your recovery. He will try to contact you to ease his guilt.
Don't give him the satisfaction. He made his bed, let him lie in it. You gave him four years. That's enough for now.
Stay in shape. Go to the gym and take out all your frustration. Try to eat a decent diet, you won't have an appetite, but keep nutritious foods available for when you can eat. Go to work. Stay busy. Go out with your friends.
Go out of town and visit relatives. Lay low and out of sight and avoid him like the plague. Your feelings are raw and you're vulnerable. Don't seek vengeance, throw tantrums, damage personal property, or get arrested.
He'll try to get to you to ease his guilt. So he can flip the script on you. He just wants to know how badly you want him back.
ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT FOR THE NEXT MONTH!!!
Worse thing you could do at this time. You will say or do something stupid. It happens every time.
It will delay your recovery and give him a chance to figure out how to play his way close enough to keep you around and away from other men. His ego means more to him than you do right now. So keep that in mind when you melt when he calls with something sweet to whisper in your ear. "I'm sorry!"
Not too sorry to be seduced from a 4-year relationship.
Everything I've mentioned above is how we all learn. I've been there and I know how you feel right now. I'm helping you so you realize the world didn't end when your boyfriend cheated on you. Life is just beginning.
You're young, single, and you're free to do whatever you want now. Just don't be self-destructive. Once the anger goes away, you want to be able to look back and not see that you've ruined your life because of his stupid mistake.
Prepare yourself for the right guy. That's your mission.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (12 May 2013):
 Wounds like yours takes time. There really isn't a magic cure to getting over a hurt like this.
What I suspect is going on is that you don't really have closure. I am sure there are many questions in your mind as to what would possess your boyfriend to go chasing after this girl -- especially coming from a committed, long-term relationship such as yours. The fact that you keep checking up on her status and his, indicates to me you want to know more and you haven't totally let go.
I think that is key for you getting back to normal. I hope you realize that you dodged a bullet here. If you had married your boyfriend, had children, owned property together, your split would've been FAR worse. Be glad that you found out now versus years down the road what sort of boyfriend you were involved with. Perhaps a dose of gratitude will help you.
Finally, the fastest way to feel better is simply to forgive. That doesn't mean you are taking your boyfriend back, it simply means you accept that your boyfriend had to do what he had to do. There was something defective with him and your relationship that made him do what he did.
Your reactions are certainly understandable and again in time this will heal as the memory of the pain and resentment dwindle. I would also recommend that you begin, when you are ready, finding someone else who you can forge a solid relationship with.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): "Is she just better than me?" No, she is not better than you. The fact that she cheated with your ex knowing he was in a committed relationship makes her lower than you. She obviously has no respect for others (or herself). Just because they are friends with her doesn't mean that they like her. If all his friends are guys, who's to say she's not sleeping with all of them either? On the other hand, you just have to accept that you can't choose who people are friends with and just because they are friends with her does not automatically make her better than you. "How can I move on from this?" You can get a move on with your life by trying to live your own life. Try to stop worrying about what he's doing, what's she's doing, or who they're friends with because this is just making you feel worse. Instead, focus on yourself. Maybe give yourself a make over or go shopping or make new friends. Do something that is centered around YOU, not them."How can I stop feeling so angry towards my ex and her?" It's completely normal to be angry. The only thing you CAN do, is to not let it consume your life. Sure, you can wallow in it, but you just have to realize that it's not worth it. You're probably angry because you still have feelings for him, but realize that there are more men out there who can treat you like a princess. Go make some friends, try to develop a new crush. Let time take it's course and you will feel better, as long as you stop focusing on them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): How could a girl who gets involved with a taken man be better than you? They are both losers...let them have each other.
It will take some time, but you will heal from this.
Keep your values and stay true to yourself and others. The hell with them and anyone else who thinks what they did was acceptable. They are losers too.
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