A
female
 
age
30-35,
*ngelinaj
writes:I have always had difficulties with relationship with men and I genuinely want some advice and help. It would really mean a lot!I have grown up to be a perfectionist since I was young. Mastering four languages, national level in art, three instruments and now studying medicine at the best university of the country. I have worked really hard all my life stemmed from the motivation brought about childhood trauma. I have learnt that it is only by attaining the best I can that I will be able to protect myself and also help others. I have learnt to handle all the struggles on my own.While I am proud of my achievements, I am also low profile about it- to a point I would only share my success with people close to me. For example, I think people would hear about my talents through word of mouth, but would not know that I have gone to international competitions because I never talk about it on social media etc. After being competitive for so long, I just want to meet people who want to be friends with me not because of my achievements but because of me being myself. But I am sick of how people are always intimidated by me that I have never had one successful relationship. People are always extra polite, calling me 'a pridigy' behind my back, and girls hate on me because boys always have a thing for me. In fact, after all the years i can conclude that I cannot build pure friendships with boys. Even guy friends of mine who were dating at the time would make advances or offers. Sometimes I don't know if they are even close to me because of my looks or my achievements, or just genuinely like my personality. I have of course, turned down all offers from boys who already got girlfriends. I genuinely want a truthful relationship. Because of my religion I don't mess around too. I really want to stress that I always remind myself to be humble in life- in fact, I got siblings who are as capable who are even more successful. There are always people who are better than you and there is no point stressing over it as long as you have tried your best. I am tired and sick of the barrier I always have with other people. I am sick of competitions and comparisons. I genuinely know that i have a lot to offer in a relationship, not materialistic pleasure but genuine love and care. How can one stop being intimidating and build genuine connections?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2017): Sorry my dear, but you judge people harshly.
You are very self-aware of your achievements; although you claim otherwise. You are very arrogant, though you claim to be humble. I bet you raised your eyebrows to read that assessment. You're a highly intellectual individual; so I will not insult your intelligence.
Read further or delete at your will.
Here's tough-love that was passed on to me; and now I shall pass the same on to you. It is not meant to hurt or insult you; but to educate by way of wisdom.
Well, you presume people are so intimidated by your looks and achievements. Did you not say they didn't know everything about you; because you held back this information? Once they know, of course they should and would be impressed. We tend to offer our admiration for those who work hard and achieve. So you humble yourself and accept their admiration and praise with grace.
You seem all too aware of all your glory. You're a human being, needing love and affection like everyone else. Most of the people you meet are struggling through life and achieving according to their own level of ability; and you don't have to have plaques and awards to prove you're an achiever. Some are just as smart and talented with no trophies to prove it. So come down to earth and view others as your equals.
People like you on their own terms. Some will like you for what you've achieved, some will like you for your looks, and some will like you for you. You are no mind-reader; so you have no right to judge them in such negative ways and see everyone through eyes of cynicism and distrust. They have a right to like you for whatever reasons they please, and dislike you for whatever opinions they have of you. Just as you've expressed your opinions regarding the people you've known thus far.
You describe yourself as one thing, but then your perceptions and opinions of other people seem to say another about you.
Women tend to see through each other; due to their highly developed sense of perception and natural intuition. And yes, they will call you out for who you are. Or, who you think you are; but are not! Sometimes that comes from a dark place, and sometimes it's constructive-criticism; because they are only reacting to your behavior towards them. You take criticism with a grain of salt; or use it to correct your flaws and improve yourself. You turn the negative into positive, regardless of how they may intend it.
You're thinking right now, who the hell does this guy think he is?!! How dare he presume to speak to me this way!!! What a son-of-a-bitch!!! He doesn't know me! That goes both ways!
No, sometimes you and I, and all the rest of humanity; have to step-back. We must realize we sometimes think we know what people think about us; but we often project our own feelings and thoughts about ourselves onto others.
The problem with that is, we sometimes miss the mark. We unintentionally treat people poorly; because we wrongfully think we have them all figured-out. We misjudge, prejudge, and then reject them; because we think we know who they are, and what they are up to. I say this because you've listed all your own great points and said nothing but negative things about everyone else around you. You imply you're so accomplished and highly-achieved hardly anyone can handle you and your success!!!
Envy is a natural emotion; but don't imply everyone you've ever met is jealous or intimidated by you. That isn't true.
If that's what you carry around in you mind, I guess you wouldn't recognize otherwise! How can you think that and not project that opinion in your attitude and demeanor around people; regardless of gender. People are not that awful and hateful of the smart and well-accomplished. Nor is their self-esteem so low they feel unworthy of you as a friend or a lover. It may be just the opposite.
My boyfriend is rich, and I am not. How on earth did we find each other? I'm better educated, made much better grades all throughout my education. I only run a business; but he owns his! He has only an Associates degree; but has an expanding business he literally built from the ground up! Everyone who knows him knows this guy has a heart of gold! Especially me!
Somehow we balance each other, we're different, and yet we're also equals!
Why would most people you know be uncomfortable with you unless they had a reason? Everyone is not envious and resentful of high-achievers. However; many over-achievers are smug, arrogant, dismissive, condescending, cold, and conceited. The kicker is, they may not even realize they are! Many of them take criticism to mean people only envy them. That's pure narcissism.
People see through false-modesty and resent that more than the beauty and achievements one may possess. Pretending to be unaware of it is condescending and sickening. Down-playing yourself to make them feel better makes people furious! Their unimpressed reactions are meant to bring you down a few pegs; which are usually congruent to how you actually present yourself, and how you interact with people.
It might not be intimidation; but everyone wondering whether you respect them, and if they're being judged before you actually get to know them. Trust me, they don't feel as beneath your achievements as you may perceive them to think.
You shouldn't have to remind yourself to be humble; it should come naturally. You're only human. Perfection does not exist in the realm of humanity. We are all unique with varying degrees of intellect, abilities, and talents. To presume it isn't a general-understanding most people have, is to be grossly arrogant or totally misinformed.
Fans are those people who glorify those with talent and achievements. Achievement and talent is nothing unless they give it merit, recognition, and applause!
You can accept people for who they are, and discern their character based on how they treat you. You can date men and enjoy their company as long as they are gentleman; and reject anyone who crosses your boundaries or falls beneath good standards. In all cases, everyone we meet in life can offer us something to help us grow. Some are only meant to pass through, some will stay awhile, and some are to journey with us until the end or our days. You must always prepare for their arrival; so you can reciprocate whatever they bring to enlighten and enrich our lives. Fate and destiny may delay their arrival based on your worthiness and preparedness. So never lose heart or become discouraged that you'll never find them.
Always approach people as your equals. Achievements and awards do not define you or elevate you to a demigod. You define who you are through your personality and character. Your personality tells everyone who you are, and your character will demonstrate your values and your worth.
Continue to do well and be thankful for all your gifts and blessings. However; we are all gifted in our own unique ways; so everyone is not judged, or judging you, by comparison to your abilities. They are judged based on their own merit and attributes; and accept you according to how you may present yourself.
Get that in youy head, and you'll be fine.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): Quite possibly you are so busy striving that you have forgotton to have empathy with people.
Forget it!
You are no prodigy!
You are just a girl who works exceptionally hard and have managed to achieve a lot!
If you could try talking to other people about how they feel about stuff
then maybe you are closer to understanding them!
But also possibly you are just down on yourself so listen to some old Janice Joplin and get your funky groove on.
Also reggae!
Also Nirvana!
Also Bowie!
After you research these bands, individuals and genres you will be able to talk to anyone!
Also watch films about all of the above!
Get back on this site if none of that changes anything and stay strong!
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