A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can I stop being hurt by my husband when he was never good for me and over the idea of getting back together with him for our child's sake?Been married 6 years, currently separated (2nd time) and have a two year old son. Lots of bad stuff happened in our marriage and it was actually abusive. Husband agrees he was "mean", but that I always play the "victim". Long story short, when we separated the first time, he was having a "mid life crisis" (at age 24!) and needed to be alone. I was heartbroken. This second time, we were both unhappy, and I kind of wanted him to go. However, I did suggest counseling-he refused. And then I stated multiple times that if he moved out-we were 100% done-forever. He moved out.After he moved out, he tried (a little) to suggest trying again, but I was completely against this. I thought I was doing the best thing for my child to not have him grow up in a dysfunctional home with a father who had a track record of leaving when things got rough.However, I recently suggested the idea of trying again for the child's sake, and now he says he is done with ME. Why does this still hurt so bad?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 December 2012):
 Don't do ANYTHING "for the sake of the child" (children).
THAT is a major justification for staying in a lousy marriage/household.... or, for trying to re-constitute a marriage that is DEAD (as you are considering).....
Believe me.... kids are both resilient (they will adapt to whatever you two "adults" do....), AND, they are perceptive (They will KNOW if you are struggling to try to present a marriage/family when, in fact, you are NOT!!!)...
Do what is right for YOU... and your soon-to-be Ex-.... and let the kids adapt to whatever is the new situation. They will not let you down.....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 You are grieving. Not just for the marriage that has ended, but also for the hopes and dreams you had when you married him, and for the future you thought you were going to have, but are now not.
None of us marry expecting we will end up as single mothers with children to support. It's not part of the plan.
However, regardless of whether that was our plan or not many of us DO end up as single mothers (and fathers). And guess what, I raised three kids without their father's input or support and they have all turned out okay.
As things stand your child is better off with his father not in his home. The counselling you suggested previously is still an option, just now you will be attending as a single rather than one half of a couple.
Counselling will help you see where you have come from clearly so you can determine where to go from here, it will also help you develop some strategies for dealing with your ex husband and how to answer any questions your child may ask.
Stay strong, and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (8 December 2012):
You are grieving. Not just for the marriage that has ended, but also for the hopes and dreams you had when you married him, and for the future you thought you were going to have, but are now not.
None of us marry expecting we will end up as single mothers with children to support. It's not part of the plan.
However, regardless of whether that was our plan or not many of us DO end up as single mothers (and fathers). And guess what, I raised three kids without their father's input or support and they have all turned out okay.
As things stand your child is better off with his father not in his home. The counselling you suggested previously is still an option, just now you will be attending as a single rather than one half of a couple.
Counselling will help you see where you have come from clearly so you can determine where to go from here, it will also help you develop some strategies f
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 Where there is abusive behaviour in a relationship, it' is always better for the child to be taken away from that environment as soon as possible, so you have done the right thing and should not be feeling any guilt.
Your child can still have a full relationship with his father without having to be affected by the abuse his father has shown to you.
If your partner addresses his own anger issues and gets help to overcome them, then it might be possible to fix the relationship in the future, but they are his issues and only he can fix them. He sounds irratic and unstable so I think you have absolutely done the right thing by getting away. You just need to deal with your own feelings of loss and counselling can also help with this.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (8 December 2012):
"I thought I was doing the best thing for my child to not have him grow up in a dysfunctional home with a father who had a track record of leaving when things got rough."
You need to do what is best for your child.
A loving single parent household is better for a child than a dysfunctional 2-parent household. Dysfunctional parents damage impressionable children.
Think of how you feel when your husband abandons you...your child will feel that pain, but WORSE when daddy leaves when things get rough.
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