A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How can I stop being awkward and boring? (and how can I tell whether or not I actually am boring)I am almost 28 and have never been in a relationship before. I have friends but I have known them for 5-15 years, depending. Basically, I haven't met anyone new in a while.I have been dealing with depression, low self-esteem, etc. for the better part of my life so I just never really put myself out there.I want to now, though. And when I'm in a room full of people I feel extremely awkward and I don't know how to start a conversation. I will walk up to someone and say "Hi," but I really can't think of questions to ask them. I don't know how to keep the conversation going. I'm just really awkward.On top of being awkward, I think I might be boring. A guy I met the other night asked me about my hobbies and I couldn't really think of anything that I actually "do." I don't know what I like or what I'm good at, I guess because I've spent my whole life afraid of trying things.So what is your best advice on how to be less awkward and less boring? I'm trying to become less awkward by becoming more social, but since I'm boring I really don't have much to discuss in those social spaces. Hope this makes sense and you guys have some ideas. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2018): Step outside the norm and pickup a hobby. Keep at it until you get good at it. Then try something else.
If you're afraid of trying anything; you limit your exposure to fun and experience. That's usually what people like to talk about. Their interests or talents. You have to explore and discover your hidden talents. You have to try things you've never tried before; without fearing failure, or not being so good at it. It's the pleasure and excitement you get from trying something new. Not how much you will impress people at how good you are at it. That comes with time, practice, and commitment. The more you do it, the better you get.
There's a lot of people who are socially-awkward, and given to putting themselves down. One soul like that is too many. They flock here for advice; but what can you really tell a person who has convinced themselves they're unattractive or uninteresting? They've felt this way all their lives; or believe it, because some bully or a meanie told them so. Funny how self-critical people believe the worse about themselves; before they believe something good. Conceited people are just the opposite.
It's hard to penetrate a well-established negative-mindset. People that are constantly given to self-defeat and low self-esteem. They seek advice, but rarely follow-through on it. Mostly they want pity.
It takes a lot of therapy for some; and for others, they have to become determined they're tired of living that way.
You have to be self-motivated. People can't always talk you into changing, or seeking self-improvements. At some point in life, you just have to decide; things have got to change! That's a deeply personal decision; and it has to come from somewhere within you. Self-improvement should be a lifelong project. It keeps life fun, challenging, and livable. It gives you purpose.
You have to develop a positive-outlook; or words and time are wasted offering you advice. Hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars are wasted by some people on therapy or counseling; they never really put it into use. They've given-up.
As for socializing and conversation; if you feel uncomfortable around overly-chatty people; work your way over to someone less chatty. Just break the ice with small-talk. Work, your trip over, the weather. Share something you witnessed you thought to weird or interesting. It's okay to be awkward; it just takes practice to feel comfortable at warming-up to strangers. It builds confidence. Just don't put yourself down, complain, or feel foolish.
Reading and watching educational-broadcasts on TV opens-up a wide-range of interests, topics for discussion, and sparks your curiosity. Sometimes, when you hear an interesting conversation about a topic going on; you politely wait for a pause in conversation, and just simply say; "I don't know much about that, would you clue me in? I've always wanted to know more!" You'll be instantly drawn into the conversation.
One thing for sure, you must be a good listener!
Questions become spontaneous, and the speaker is flattered that they peaked your interest; and gave them the platform to speak even more on a topic. Then switch to someone else for a differing point of view. Don't give the floor to only one person; and let them turn the platform into a soapbox, or filibuster. I have an acquaintance; talk about cats, and that's all she wrote. She will never change the subject.
That's how I work a crowd when I travel out of town; and have to mingle with strangers at seminars and meetings; or if I'm at a stuffy party, and I don't know anybody. I make my presence known; I show comfort in social situations (even if I'm not); and I allow myself to be open, friendly, and approachable. I smile, and relax my body-language. I don't dither, or fold my arms.
Stances that close-off or hide the body make people avoid you. Looking down or looking away, says "leave me alone!" Draw them to you, and they will offer you conversation and coach you through it. Tell them you're a little shy, and sometimes awkward. You'd be surprised at how sweet, accommodating, and reassuring some folks can be. You never try; so you'll never know.
You stifle yourself; because you immediately tell yourself you don't know anything. You wrote a very articulate post explaining how uninteresting you are, and it peaked my interest to answer it. Go figure! It's just a matter of allowing yourself to be equal to everyone in the room; not lowering and subordinating yourself to everyone else.
You use your charm, relax, and open your mouth. Sometimes there are people good at placing you at ease, and they know the key to getting you to open-up. You don't always have to lead the conversation; you can also follow.
If you have no hobbies; ask for suggestions on cool things to do. Then ask if maybe they can give you some pointers on how to go about trying something new. Say your bored...not boring! Men love offering to teach a lady how to do things. They'll give you golf lessons, teach you to play tennis, or how to fish. They'll take you hiking or boating. You're a clean slate; so that's perfect!
Sometimes awkwardness is charming and sweet. It's unassuming, and it can be delightful or refreshing; when you're around egotists, narcissistic people, and competitors all the time. Just an easy-going down-to-earth person; who just wants to be nice, and have a friendly chat.
Join a cooking class, or take a night-course. You need to mingle with people, to draw yourself out of your shell.
You've known people 5-15 years. You have a strong since of loyalty and consistency with your friendships. That's a great quality. If you have friends, you must talk about something when you're together? Don't assume you're boring. Shy, maybe?
You'll become boring; because self-fulfilling prophesy will make you clam-up and freeze around people.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2018): Like all skills, socialization takes practice. I would recommend picking up a more social hobby or activity, like a book club or cooking lessons. Take the time to reach out and say hello to the people around you at these events, and practice your skill. Observe the people around you, and learn from their socialization as well
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 June 2018):
 With the exception of using it as an ice breaker, I find "small talk" boring and of little interest. This is probably why I tend to avoid gatherings like the ones you describe, because I have never felt comfortable at them and really have no interest in working at becoming comfortable. They are just not my "thing". Perhaps they are not your "thing" either?
Ice breakers can be as easy as "Hi, are you enjoying the party?" "How many people do you know here? I am feeling a bit lost because I only know xx people." "How do you know the host?" "The food looks fabulous."
I like to have conversations with people about what makes them feel passionate, what gets them out of bed in the morning when they are not working, rather than "hobbies". What do YOU feel passionate about? Do you worry about the environment? Or world politics? Or animal welfare? Or care of the elderly? Or the homeless? Or endangered species? There are many things in this world to care about. Pick one (or more, if you wish - there are no rules) and get involved in finding out information and helping. Then when someone asks you about your hobbies, say "I don't have hobbies as such but I feel passionate about x, y and z because . . . " In this way you will also connect with people who care about similar things to you, always a good start.
Personally I always find someone interesting if they are passionate about what they are telling you, regardless of the subject matter. My OH loves his cycling. To me, cycling is something you have to do if your car breaks down. However, I can happily listen to him telling me about cycling, even when he is getting technical and I don't understand everything he is telling me, because he is so passionate about it. Same with F1 motor-racing. I find it completely boring to watch and never bother, but he is an avid fan and can talk about it in such a way that I am happy to listen. It is not necessarily the subject matter which is interesting but the way you sound when you are talking about it and your knowledge of the subject mater. If you are not particularly passionate about it, how can you expect to sound interesting? Find something you really "feel" for and the enthusiasm and passion will MAKE you interesting to listen to.
Also, don't forget that a conversation is a two way exchange. Listening is also very important. People usually like to talk about themselves so listen to what they say and ask relevant questions. It is amazing how "interesting" people find people who will show an interest in THEM.
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