A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Last night I said something really silly to my boyfriend which I think came across as me not wanting much of a commitment with him. This is far from the truth - in fact he is the only guy who has ever felt right to me. Every other guy I've dated I've known from the start that it wouldn't last, no matter how much I cared for him, but this guy is different and I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. So I'm wondering - how can I reassure him of how serious I am? I think he's been a little distant since I said that silly anti-commitment thing. This has happened before - every time he mentions us moving in together I don't know what to say. And when his brother got engaged, my boyfriend was talking about how expensive the ring was, then said he'd better start saving... then there was a horrible awkward silence with me staring at him until he said 'to buy a suit for the wedding'. I don't know why I react like that all the time when I really do want all those things with him. Maybe because I felt trapped for years in my last relationship and I wasn't even living with the guy. Also, I don't really feel good enough for this guy. Anway, is there anything I can do to stop acting this way and make sure he knows how I really feel?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (21 September 2010):
 Well, the first thing is identifying *why* you do this whenever a moment comes on, and I can tell you - it's pretty simple to see why. It's the same reason many guys crack jokes or say things to deflect during times when it seems like the conversation is about to become serious. You're not ready to show intimacy on that sort of scale with the guy. It's an act of self-preservation. You said yourself that you "don't feel good enough" for the guy. You're afraid that if you show too much of yourself to him that he will reject you.One thing that may help change your "automatic response" with him is to understand that with every instance of you making those comments and awkward silences, you are inflicting on him the very thing you're terrified of him doing to you. He is perceiving your actions as a rejection, and it's up to you to explain exactly how you feel to him.I mean, you have to honestly tell him what you told us, and that means it's your turn to be vulnerable to him as he's been to you. Believe it or not, when a guy starts talking marriage or future with you, that's a HARD thing to do, because it involves exposing his heart to you.You also have to think much better of yourself. Of COURSE you're good enough for the guy, unless you're out cheating on him or something like that! He is getting to know the real you, and he loves who you are! As much as you put on an air of "togetherness" with him, people know you better than you think they do. Chances are, it's your imperfections that endear yourself to him in the first place. So just go out there and let him know...IN DETAIL....what you're feeling, or you'll risk having him not risk his heart talking about your future again.
A
male
reader, elvira505  +, writes (21 September 2010):
Text him saying (( I am sorry the other day I said something really silly to you which I think came across as me not wanting much of a commitment with you.This is far from the truth, in fact you are the only guy who has ever felt right to me. Every other guy I've dated I've known from the start that it wouldn't last, no matter how much I cared for them, but you are different and I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you. I Love You x x ))
and than we you meet him have an open talk to him and say I don't know why I react like that all the time when I really do want everything with you. Maybe because I felt trapped for years in my last relationship and I wasn't even living with the guy. is there anything we can do to stop acting this way and make sure you know how much I really feel ?
trust me candid talks are the best , they open up the horizons..
;) trust me , & for ever married you & him , amen ..wish you the best
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (21 September 2010):
 If you can't think of the right thing to say, or don't trust your facial expression to portray the proper emotion, just hug him close every time he mentions something long term. Hold him for 5-10 seconds, and you should be in the proper frame of mind. Even if you aren't, it'll give you the time you need to compose yourself.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (21 September 2010):
 well if you think he's too good for you, then maybe you react this way because you can't believe how lucky you are?
or maybe you can make some comments yourself about moving in and getting married to get the balance back.
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