A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'd appreciate some advice from readers (particularly any males out there) on how to go about showing my possibly ex-bf that what we have between us is worth holding on to.To cut a long story short, we got together 8 1/2 yrs ago after meeting at uni. We moved in 1 1/2 yrs later and things were amazing. However, I became depressed for 2 yrs, and I know I was hard to live with, as I didn't enjoy anything, like going out and socialising with my bf and his new work friends, any more. I kept trying to show my bf how much I loved him and appreciated him during this time, and slowly got better. 2 1/2 yrs ago, we moved cities and started new jobs. I was really happy, made some great new friends and loved living in our new town. However, he was not so happy. He missed his old work friends, was under pressure at work, having to work at home when he got home from work, which meant he had no time to spend with me or to meet my new friends. I tried to support him the best I knew how, like making his meals, listening to his worries, helping with his work at home, and encouraging him to take breaks from work to relax with me... but he became more distant, even stopped sleeping in our bed.So 1 1/2 yrs ago, he goes on a works trip, comes home and out of the blue tells me he wants to split up, that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He moved away, but kept in touch. I found out that he had been sending indecent texts/pictures to a female work colleague, though nothing physical happened, and she since left her job and moved away.6 months on, he tells me he misses me, can't imagine life without me, wants us to have a family one day, so we tentatively got back together. I learnt to trust him again, and was so happy to have a second chance with him. I just wanted to make him happy and have fun together. We met up most weekends and everything (including our sex life) was better than ever!Until 6 weeks ago, when I found (whilst doing his washing) he had a secret cell phone, on which were hundreds of indecent messages to three random girls, which he says he contacted through adult dating sites. I confronted him, he broke down crying, begged me not to leave him, that he did it because he was lonely. I reassured him I still loved him, but that I didn't want to be with someone who did those things behind my back.So 1 wk ago, he comes to see me, very quiet, and says he thinks we might need to split up again as he doesn't know what he wants from life anymore, where he wants to live, what he wants to do, whether he wants to be with me, whether he wants to live with me again (which I have never mentioned). He says he loves me more than anything, but thinks he wants me as a g/f that he sees infrequently to have fun with, with "no romantic expectations" and "no grief." I told him I love him and want to stay with him, even if this means seeing him hardly ever, but he's not sure.He's gone away for 2 weeks, and I'm trying hard not to contact him (suceeding so far) BUT I want to tell him how I feel about why what we have is worth holding on to... I just don't know how to go about doing this. I love him so much, and he says he loves me, so WTF? I think we should hold on to what we have, and I want to carry on just seeing each other every so often to have fun, but how do I make him see this? Should I write to him? Ideally I want to speak to him face to face, but don't know if I'm going to get that chance. When I called him last week, he made an excuse to cut the call short, saying he needs time and space to work out how he feels. What would be the best way for me to act right now to show him I'm a girl worth holding on to? Thanks for reading.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, captaind  +, writes (3 August 2009):
Sounds like your guy is confused,
what you need to do is stop and really look at yourself, you sound lke an amazing person, you are patient, and understanding and he seems like hes the problem.
You need to go out and see other people, meet friends, and meet other guys and truley see if this is the man you want to be with, cause your caught in a bubble that is mentally telling you, no other man wants me, he wants me he loves, me, when in truth, there are a million men out there who would drop their $300 jacket on a puddle for you. You need to just get your compass set on what you want in life, waiting around for something may hurt you again may not be worth it, now im not saying go sleep with a bunch of guys, but dont kick your self, thats #1 goal, you didt nothing wrong here
Hope I helped. ;)
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