A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is in her mid 20s and I am three and a half years younger. She is everything I ever wished in a woman that I want to be with. She shares all of my interests, sense of humor, and perspective on life. I never thought that I'd meet someone who I'd feel about this way so early in my life. But heres the problem that has recently been torturing me constantly and from which I can't get away.This is most likely a fault of my own, its something I'm trying to overcome, but this is getting so bad that its affecting my day to day life. Since she is older than me her experience with other men greatly intimidates me and even depresses me. I can't stop thinking about all her prior boyfriends, breakups, and hook ups. Now, she is definitely not a slut, she is a highly intelligent girl, but I'm sure she's had fun in her past. It may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people but this is tearing me up inside. Every once in a while I discover or become reminded of a previous boyfriend of hers and it puts me in a stupor. It intimidates me that she is so much more experienced than I am. I've been with just several girls before her (sexually), and I'm sure she has been with much more partners. She told me once that for a while in her life she didn't feel sex was anything but an act. I have always felt different and placed intercourse on somewhat of a pedestal. Sex has always been really precious and special to me. And although she doesn't feel that way anymore at one point in her life she has, and it really hurts me to think about it. I really hate saying it because sometimes it just doesn't feel as special for me to be her love and lover, because she has shared something so intimate with many other people, perhaps many times with no strings attached even. And furthermore I hate saying that sometimes I regret her not being as innocent as I would have liked her to be.This pain is really affecting my life and I just don't know what to do. I've talked to her about this and there is nothing she can do or say at this point, about the past that is. And I understand that, technically she has nothing to apologize to me for. What can I do? Or how can I see this differently so that it doesn't hurt as much?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): I just read the anonymous female reader's post. I guess it posted while I was writing mine. She is exactly correct. That is what I try to think when I have bad thoughts. Remember, she gave up all of this for you. My wife broke up with her last of 10 lovers in 3 years after our first date. We hadn't even had sex yet. Keep talking to your girlfriend about this if possible and don't make the same mistake that I made when my wife and I were new in our relationship. Don't make her feel cheap with insensitive remarks. Discuss your problem feelings in an intelligent manner, without placing blame on her. I know that might be difficult when you are feeling low, but don't force her to withdraw from discussions with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): Sorry, but I disagree with this statement: "Im sure that you love this girl but let her go. You are going to want to try everything she ever did with other people and are going to lose all respect for her if you do. No matter what you relationship wont go on much longer." I disagree with this through personal experience. If I had given up on my girlfriend 28 years ago because of her sex history that I didn't like then I would have missed out on a wonderful mate for all of these years. Yes, it might have been easier to give up on her, but I'm sure that my past 28 years would not have been as good.
To the OP. You are not alone. Read my story and those of others that have posted with the same problem. If you give up on her, you may find that the next 5 women you date cause you to have the same thoughts. You may also not find one who is as good as the one you now have. Here are some discussions and thoughts. There are many men in the same boat us you and I.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-change-my-resurfaced-feelings-about.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/some-tips-for-guys-that-are-having-trouble.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/out-of-the-blue-i-am-having-issues.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): It kind of sucks because no matter what anyone says you will somehow stay in ur negative thinking. but here goes, i'll give it a shot! instead of thinking "i don't have this/that/etc. that those other guys she hooked up with had" think about what you do have. you guys are obviously in love with each other and (im a romantic at heart) but sex is most amazing with someone you truly love. think about what you do have instead of worrying about what you dont.
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A
male
reader, Somethingeasy +, writes (24 October 2007):
 Im sure that you love this girl but let her go. You are going to want to try everyting she ever did with other people and are going to lose all respect for her if you do. No matter what you relatinship wont go on much longer.
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A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (24 October 2007):
 I struggled with it too, when i met my husband he was three years older than me, i was just out of school and so much less experienced than him, after a year of my jealousy and insecurities he had enough and ended it and it took that for me to realise that you just have to get over these things, luckily we got back together and sorted things out, i just hope that it does not come to that for you.
Take care.xx.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. This is what I keep telling myself as well...but its a different matter of putting it into practice. It's just some kind of a personal issue probably more with myself than her. I just never heard of anyone struggling so badly with this as I have.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (24 October 2007):
You need to try and look at it as a good thing and realise that if you let things like this worry you, you will never have a decent relationship.
We all have pasts and even those with pasts don't neccassarily like to remember them, she is with you now and you should cherish her for what you have and not what was in the past.
Take care.xx.
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