A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This may be long, so please bear with me.I had been in an 8 year marriage, which ended 2 years ago, due to always arguing, taking each other for granted and other issues. After we split, I moved into my parents house and had a couple of short term relationships, which didn't last more than a couple of months through various reasons. For the first year after the split, I was trying to make us work again, because we both knew where we had gone wrong and had became close friends again. But she eventually met somebody else, so I started dating again. Now, we are closer than we ever were and respect each other very much. She is really happy with this guy, so I am very happy for her. I always wanted her to be happy and now she is, even though it isn't with me.I split with my last gf in december last year after she decided to get back with her abusive ex.I met a new girl in February this year and we really clicked. We had everything in common, we loved to spend time together and it was as though I found my soulmate. I was truly happy once more. Everybody loves her, she is the nicest person you could meet. Tall, Blonde, very beautiful, fantastic cook, high sex drive, open minded and one of the best singers I have ever heard. To me, she was perfect, my dream girl.We found it relatively difficult to spend much time together because of the shifts we worked, so we could only spend some evenings together. Because I lived with parents, they were not keen on people staying over, but my dad found out that he had throat cancer in december and went into hospital in January.During the time he was in hospital, my gf stayed with me most nights, with my mums approval. Everything seemed perfect, my mum was out a lot, which left me and my gf in private, so the sex was fantastic and constant.This changed when my dad came out of hospital in March, so my gf could not stay over at the house anymore.She would often come to the house after work, and sometimes fall asleep on my bed. Then I would wake her up to walk her to her bus stop. Upon waking her, she would have a go at me for letting her sleep and we would end up with tension in the relationship. She would get really moody and then blame me for things that were not my fault. She would always apologise a few days later, but I was starting to feel like I did as my marriage was failing. She always made me feel small and that I could do nothing right. This seemed to cause my feelings for her to start to fade.Once we were at my house with my parents in the house, the sex stopped for obvious reasons. We were living in a bungalow, so every little sound can be heard.She was living with her sister at the time. She had been living with her nan after the death of her parents in 1997 and 2005 respectively. Her nan lived really far from her work, so she came to her sisters to make things easier. Her sister was going through a breakup at the time, so being at the house was very stressful for her because of the children and the arguments. (her sisters children) She needed to be up for work at 5am, but was not getting much sleep due to the arguments and her neice and nephew making a lot of noise.We decided that we should find our own place together and that maybe things would change once there was no reason for her to go home and then we could spend quality time together.We finally got our own place in early June, but things have still not recovered. I look at her sometimes and feel like I don't love her. She can be very intimate with me, but I cannot seem to get aroused. I just don't realise why I feel like this.She loves to give me oral and I used to love doing that to her too, but I just never seem to want to.I think it could be psychological with the sex. I really want to be turned on, but seem physically unable. Maybe because I knew parents were literally 10 feet away from us. I think it is like trying to pee while someone is standing next to you. No matter how much you are bursting, you just cannot go. So I sort of started to feel like that with sex, if that makes sense. We have been here just over a month and have had sex about 3 times.She now says that she feels unattractive and undesired and regularly gets upset with me for never being in the mood for sex. She is even start to accuse me of cheating now.Please help me. I don't know how I can change how I feel about her. She loves me very much, more than I ever dreamed that anyone could love me, but I just don't feel the same. She can kiss me or cuddle me and I feel nothing. I just want to be able to love her and try to make her happy. I used to be aroused at just the thought of sex or oral, now it just makes me feel sick.How can I feel the way I used to about her? I do love her, but it feels like I am in denial
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): This situation is serious, you should see a counselor. There is a saying......when the sex is good, it's only 10% of the relationship but when it's bad, it's 90%. Don't waste anytime getting help, you could loose your relationship and it could be ugly.I know, because I went through this exact same thing. I thought I had met the man of my dreams. We never fought about ANYTHING and loved being together. Now the difference is sex was never good in the first place, but I though that was something out of his control. I wondered sometimes if he didn't find me attractive, but it didn't bother me much because I loved him so. Fast forward 2 years into the relationship and I find out that he masterbates everyday, sometimes multiple times a day, even though we were only having sex 1-2 times per month! Now I questioned my attractiveness to him very seriously and started to wonder if he was cheating on me...just as your girl is doing.....this lead into a stalemate situation with many arguments. I had been dealing with not having my sexual needs met for so long, which was frustrating as hell, but add on that I thought he found me undesirable. It eventually led to our demise. I wish we could have gotten counseling. Our relationship was so very affectionate in the beginning, being with him was so easy and fun, I wanted to be with him the rest of my life (as he did me) but sex tore us apart!Our situations are not exactly alike (it came out in our conversations that my ex was a sex addict whose particular addiction was porn/sex chat/phone sex with masterbation) but the likeness in arguments over sex destroying our relationship is very similar. Once you start fighting over sex, it is a self perpetuating hell hole. You can't fight over sex and then have sex, it takes all desire out of you. In the end, I couldn't stand the thought of having sex with him, especially after he made a comment about how he felt it was an obligation for him! I didn't want him to touch me, don't let your relationship get to that point, do what you can to fix it , now, today, immediatly!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you female anon, but it wasn't snatched or forbidden sex at all, it was quite the opposite in fact. We only ever had sex one time when my mum was in the house. She was asleep at the time. (my mum that is, lol)
The sex was always very special and tender.
But because she now pressures me into sex, it pushes me away even further.
I am not only attracted to her for the reasons listed, they just came to mind. Everything about her is just so enchanting. She can brighten up any room, just by walking into it. She can make me feel like the only guy on the planet. She is completely besotted with me and is always telling me how much she loves me. Her smile is amazing and can usually always cheer me up. She supported me and my mum very much over my dad. She always makes the effort to make me happy and it gets me so down because I know how much she is hurting inside. I just want to be able to make her happy and give her the attention that she gives me.
I am sorry if my original post is misleading in parts, so hopefully this one can clear it up a bit.
Yes, I do have depression, but stopped taking my tablets a while ago. When I first got with this girl, she was my drug and I felt like she was everything I ever needed. I truly love her deep in my heart, but the feelings I get are starting to destroy me inside. I just wish things were different, so I could concentrate on giving her the happiness she deserves.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): It sounds very much to me like you might be suffering from depression, so go and see your doctor for his opinion and get some help, as it sounds like it has been an incredibly stressful time for you both.
Also, you might want to look at why you wanted to be with her, as all the things that you list about her seem to be quite superficial - her looks, her skill in the kitchen, she's a great singer, the sex, etc etc, but very little about how she makes/made you feel about when there wasn't sex involved. It could be that although she meets all the points on a checklist about what you want from a woman that emotional and spiritual connection just isn't there. And it could also be that the excitement of the "forbidden and snatched" sex was all that has kept things going this long.
But in the mean time definately speak to your Dr about whether you have depression and get some help if you need it. Also try and get out and about more for some exercise and fresh air (which can help lighten your mood, too). You live on an island with many beautiful places (I'm quite jealous, lol!) so take advantage of them.
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