A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ive been married for 22 years and got 3 kids (grown up now tho), ive been having an affair for the past 7 years with a man i love very very much, he is married and has 1 grown up daughter. We want to be together but we havent a clue what to do or how to go about it. My marriage is rubbish, husband doesnt do a single thing, we havent got on for years now, always arguments and fights and i am really not happy at all. ive been on anti depressants a couple of times and feel really stressed out all of the time, which really dont help in the long run. my lover treats me better than my husband ever has. It hurts wen i dont see my lover or whenever we are apart. i dont have any money cos husband would never give me any money of my own, he leaves me with no food, sometimes no gas or electric and he doesnt care either. My lover only has a part time job cos he had an accident at work a few years back and ended up losing his job. Please can anyone help, we desperately want to be together, we just want to be happy together. Thanx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): Being in a So called abusive marriage does not entitle you to another womans husband. You may not know this OR may choose to ignore this but you are an adulterer.
You say that both your spouses know that you two are just friends: wow can you imagine what will happen if they Both discover that you have been doing the dance with each other!!!
Since you have been sleeping with this other married man for over 7 years I am hoping that his wife and your husband can also find sexual comfort with each other.
If you are in an abusive situation then get out of it.
Oh and don't pull the bad economy story: if you really wanted to you can earn a living: no one told you to go inbto the corporate world: you can make things to sell, do odd jobs for people, babysit for others, gardening for others, sell food: ANYTHING!!!
My mother was an illiterate housewife, my father died when I was 14. My mother was not qualified to do formal work but she was blessed with the ability to realise that she had to do something or else we would ALL starve and get thrown out of our home: my mother handwashed washed peoples clothes, she grew vegetables in our garden and sold this, she sewed clothes for people, she hardly slept as she slogged for her kids to put food on the table. My mother also helped to pay some for my university education to earn a law degree!!!! So don't tell me how hard life is: we lived it!! And we survived. Why? Because my mother go off her backside and she used common sense to provide for us. Howz that for an illiterate housewife???
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (12 April 2012):
 This isn't difficult to figure out.
Go to a divorce lawyer and tell them the truth, that your husband is abusive and won't let you have any money. You want a divorce but need to get a discount because of hardship or maybe he could work for you pro bono.
I can't feel sorry for you. Regardless of his abusive nature, which you didn't mention in your OP and are just now bringing up (which makes me think you're lying to get our sympathy) YOU are CHEATING on HIM. No one here is going to think that's okay, unless they're also a cheater. You won't find much support for cheating here, this community is generally pretty up-and-up when it comes to consent and moral code.
Since your lover is the one who buys you stuff and gives you money, tell him that you want to divorce your husband. Ask him to take you to the lawyer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondon't blag me, my husband doesn't give me anything and no he doesn't pay the rent for the house, its totally housing benefit, and my name is also on the rent book, and most days theres nothing to eat in the house, and i don't remember the last time i had anything new. how can anyone live like that, no one would. my lover gives me anything that i want, and he is not unemployed, he does have a job. i did say that in the original question. no one would say audacity if they knew exactly how it is, how would you like being knocked about,kicked and punched for years on end, no one would like that. i don't have a job because firstly i stayed at home to bring up my kids, and secondly there is a recession on, its hard for kids to find jobs never mind someone older.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 April 2012):
 I agree with Auntie BimBim YOU want out of the marriage YOU leave. Are you saying you think your husband should finance your and your new lover? Pay your rent?
Get a job, pay your own way.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 April 2012):
 You are the one who wants out, so get out, leave your husband in his home where his name is on the rent books.
Laughing at you, incapable of supporting yourself having an affair with a man equally incapable of supporting himself and you want advise how to leave your spouses, who, apparently ARE capable of looking after themselves.
Why cant you get a job? Why should anybody else support you? Why should your husband move out of his house? You say he never gives you anything, somebody must be paying for the food you eat and the clothes you wear, somebody's paying the rent on the house you live in (I suspect thats the person whose name is on the rent book). What more should he be giving a cheating wife, what does your unemployed lover give you? Sweet FannyAdams by the sound of it, why doesnt he kick his wife out of his house and you move in there? Maybe he knows a good thing when he sees it.
I have no sympathy nor advise for you. From your listed age you are at least 10 years younger than me. Go and get a job, and then go get your own place and then move your user boyfriend in with you and start supporting him, it would be interesting to see how long the pair of you lasted if you had to look after yourselves istead of using the resources and hard work of others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): Hell NO OP, your husband is paying the rent, you are the cheater/the adultere and you want him to move out? Talk about the audacity!!!!Hey if you are old enough to cheat, then you are old enough to fend for yourself. Right now you have become a user: you are using your husbands resources, his finances and he is providing a roof over your head.The fact that you are not working means that you have a hell of free time to get up to mischief :and you have!!!Sorry I take no prisoners: I say it like it is especially when it comes to cheaters. You do the crime: you face the consequences. Your lover doesn't even have a proper job: that is how you both have time to hook up. Maybe if he earned a proper living then you could feed off him for a change instead of your husband. But well, after his wife takes him to the cleaners he will be begging you for some spare change. I cannot believe that two adulterers feel obligated to milk their spouses and feel entitled to "something" in order to be with each other. Here's a solution: leave: with just your clothes and any item You may have bought with your own money. Then go out and start looking for a job. Any job! So that you will know what it is to work long hours, earn minimal wage and actually appreciate what you earn. Then you will know what it feels like to be wise with money instead of giving it to a cheating spouse. Sorry but your husband is entitled to the place you rent: he pays for it, he stays in It: with or without you. If you want out: you go out. In life we make choices. You made yours: now just execute it. LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 April 2012):
 All of the assets you and your husband own......
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 April 2012):
All the assets you and your husband will be split evenly, that should generate some money for you. In the meantime perhaps you can borrow some money to rent a place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx for all your replies, no neither spouses know anythin about our relationship apart from knowing that we are friends. I have told my husband to move out and that i don't want him here anymore on numerous occasions, but all he says is that his name is on the rent book so he doesn't have to. No i don't have a job nor any income to me at all, husband gives me nothing at all. Yes my lover wants to be with me permenantly. How can i pack my bags and leave with nowhere to go? I heard all divroces are expensive.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): are u sure ur lover will leave his wife? i think you both should set ur spouses free, then decide what to do from there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): Do you have an income of your own, do you have a job, or does your husband keep you?
As you have been having an affair for 7 years I would hazzard a guess that both your spouses know already that you have both been cheating. I dont think it will come as a surprise if you both confess and leave. Probably a relief as they can also move on to a fresh life
You have to come clean and then move out, you will need to get a solicitor (legal aid) to secure a divorce & finance off your husband, if only to pay for a deposit on a rented place but I am sure you will get more.
Its either be an adult face up to your spouses or end the relationship. Its no wonder your stressed youve been leading a double life for years and covering it up with all that entails.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 April 2012):
I can't see the hard part either. Grow a backbone, divorce the spouses, move out. Start over.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (8 April 2012):
 Have you ever heard the song by Paul Simon called 50 ways to leave your lover? In your situation it`s not too difficult to leave. The biggest hunch here is does your lover really want to be with you permanently? There`s only one way to find that out.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (8 April 2012):
What do you mean neither of you know how to go about being together? You pack your bag and you tell your husband you are leaving. And then you leave.
He packs his bag and tells his wife he is leaving.
And then he leaves.
And then you both meet somewhere for the night and the following day you find somewhere to live, get some second hand furniture and then you go and find a job to support him as he cant work.
Simple!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): The solution is obvious. Both you and your lover need to get divorced from your spouses. Then you're free to be together. Whatever excuses you have for not doing this are just excuses. If you really want something you have to fight for it and make sacrifices. Otherwise you're just looking for an easy way out of your current lives. Taking the path of least resistance often lands you in places you don't want to be.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (8 April 2012):
What are you confused about?
Divorce your husband. Move out into your own place. Move your boyfriend in with you.
Since your kids are grown, you won't have to worry about custody, and if you don't have any property, you can get a divorce for little to no money. A lot of people stay married and cheat because it would be "too expensive" to get a divorce, but it really costs almost nothing compared to staying in a marriage where you're unfaithful.
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