A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello Cupid,I’ll try to make this as short as possible.I can’t deny I have issues with women. All my life I’ve been rejected by girls and I just grew tired of it. By about mid college I stopped going after girls and just kept to myself. I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’ve never kissed a girl I liked and I’ve never truly made out before and I guess it’s obvious I’m a virgin. Girls always made me feel terrible until now I don’t think I even like woman anymore. I’ve never had good relationships with a woman before unless we are friends, my relationship with my mother isn’t so great either.I’m not ugly and I don’t think I can’t socialize, even though I usually keep to myself even when I get the opportunity to be around people. I get asked questions like “Why aren’t you a man-whore?” or “Why don’t you have a girl friend?” and “What’s it like to be a virgin?” or “Are you gay?” and my least favourite phrase “You don’t act the way you look.” Whatever the hell that means.I recently realise I hate guys whenever they talk about women. The way they describe their bodies and the feeling they get when they have sex with them. I envy the way they can feel a particular way towards women in I way I can no longer or probably never grew to felt. When I look at a woman I feel nothing anymore. It’s like a mental block. To be honest I lack emotion towards a lot of things these days. I did some research and came across some called “emotional numbness” which seems to match how I feel.I have problems showing fear and sadness. I notice that when I watch movies where young guys are about to have sex with women I get frustrated and change the channel. To make things worse I’ve started to realise that girls seem to notice me more lately. They just keep looking at me and it makes me feel weird because I don’t feel emotion towards them anymore. I can talk to women just fine, but I just can’t allow myself to talk/engage sexually or romantically with them.I don’t like trying to be Mr. Confident because it draws too much awkward attention. I’m still confused about the whole good guy, bad boy thing. I don’t get why girls like guys who cheat on them so much without any remorse, these guys are usually cowards and speak ill of them and then I’m hearing nice guys are boring and put women on pedestals, you wish. How can I overcome this block I have when it comes to girls? I want to get married and have kids but I can’t do that if II can’t connect with women.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 July 2013):
 Your relationship with your friends says a lot more about you than you perhaps think. Friendship and relationship isn't that different. A girlfriend also needs to be your friend, someone you can talk to, share things with, want to do things with. If you do not like to let people close, then you aren't opening up to having a girlfriend in your life. If you don't like people getting near you, how will anyone get to know you? By closing the door for other people you are making it impossible for a woman to love you. If she doesn't know you, and doesn't love you, she will not want to be with you.
Getting a girlfriend takes the same social skills as making friends take. It's one and the same. Except a girlfriend is more intimate, someone you have to let even closer in, deeper in, and share even more with. If you're not willing to let friends come into your life, then it is unrealistic to think you can have a relationship.
It seems to me you have an idealized, and not real, view of relationships. Like something quiet, that doesn't demand much work, that doesn't even require talking. You would treat her right, whatever that means. Try to think about what "treat her right" means. Because I don't know. There's no code for how to treat someone, you only know how to treat someone when you get to know them, and learn more about them. A girlfriend isn't something static, she is a person. A person just like those friends of yours who you like to keep at arms length.
To have a relationship you must first understand how you can have friends. Making friends and keeping friends. And close friendships too, not just acquaintances. It's not an absolute must, but getting into a relationship without these skills will demand a heck of a lot of luck and hard work on a future girlfriends part.
The trick to making people your close friends, is the same as the trick on how to get a partner. The way you treat your friends is the same way you will treat your partner. So if you want to treat a girlfriend right, you should practice treating your friends right. So it is a good place to start by focusing on your friendships.
Make it your goal to have at least one close friend. Learn to let someone in. Learn how to treat them with respect, how to be dependent on someone, how to put your trust in someone. These are all skills required to have a long lasting relationship.
My very best advise to you on how to make close friends, and on how to create a "connection" so that you will get a relationship, is this: share something intimate about yourself while looking into the other persons eyes. I know this works from personal experience, eye contact is absolutely everything. You know how they say eyes are the mirror to the soul? It's true, it has that effect on people. There even was a study that showed how eye contact during conversation (a personal conversation, not just casual) increases the desire for the two to see each other again. And it increased by as much as three times, compared to limited or brief eye contact (like most people show on a daily basis).
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): I can explain the jerk thing. But be warned, the truth is not flattering to women.Young girls like attractive jerks for the same reason why guys like good looking girls. Evolution discovered that they have more healthy offspring that way. The healthiest offspring comes from a girl getting herself pregnant with an attractive jerk's kids, and then finding a "nice guy" to be a better father figure than the jerk would have been. So that is what females are designed to do. Birth control has prevented many of the pregnancies from happening with the jerks but young womens preferences in men have not changed. They still like jerks during their young adult most fertile years, and then by the time they are old enough to have birthed several children (if there was no birth control) their feelings start to change towards liking nicer guys.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks sooo much for the feedback. I'm glad I didnt get any negative comments. You're all right I do need to try and move on from the past but it stings. I'm not the grudge type but its like a piece of me has a hard time building up that confidence for women again because I have this gut feeling deja vu will show it's ugly head.I don't really keep friends anymore but I do have people I can hang out with occasionally. I guess they would be hurt if I told them I see them as acquaintances more than friends, I always try not to attach myself to anyone. I'm glad I could highlight that some guys aren't sexed crazed. A lot of these men actually hate women and try their best to hurt them. I actually want to fine a woman worth loving. To be honest I feel very weird when juxtaposed with the average guy becuz im so different from them.*Deep Breath*I'm really going to try going back out there. I'm getting older.Wish me luck.Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 July 2013):
I strongly advise you to seek out a therapist, because you need to talk this through with someone, and not just people online.. We can only say so much, but what is best for you I think is to talk this through with someone. Not just one conversation, but many. To get to the bottom of why you are so frustrated. And to find out what you actually eant and how to get it. How is your friendships? Do you have any good abd longlasting friendships?
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 July 2013):
Dear OP,
It sounds like your trust in women has been shattered and now you generalize from your past experiences to all women. I guess I can relate to that, I had a mental block towards men for years after having been sexually harassed several times.
But I've overcome that block, at least most of it, I enjoy men's company now and even though I don't have a boyfriend, I can imagine getting one.
What I recommend you is first to stop generalizing and stereotyping. Not all women are bitchy and chase after bad boys etc. those are cliches and while they may be true in certain situations, they are often false. I see plenty of good guys in happy relationships, really.
Maybe you should really look closer at the reality around you. How are your sisters or cousins? How are the girlfriends of your friends? Are these women all rejecting and mean, chasing after bad boys? Are they adding something to your life, or to their partners' lives? I am sure you will find plenty of evidence that will challenge your view of women.
I used to think every guy is a potential danger with no morals who would do anything for sex. I am happy that I can see now how wrong I was.
I would also recommend you to find a way to be together with women, do something with them, but not dating yet. Just to get to know them and actually realize they're only humans. One thing that's enjoyable are dancing classes. It's nice and you get some physical contact, but it doesn't require a deep emotional connection or taking the risk of approaching a woman and facing rejection. You could also start a hobby where you have to collaborate with women, for instance volunteering or joining a language course. Maybe you have other, better ideas as well.
Anyway, take your time to heal from the past. You still have time to find the right woman, but it's good if you start tackling your problems now.
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