A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I suffer from anxiety near women. I try to avoid women as best I can in social settings. Not in a malicious way but nervously. I had some bad experiences growing up and it's made me wary around women. Growing up girls were particularly mean. Guys were on a physical and verbal level but girls were just as bad verbally. I think most of the time I thought my name was "Ew, he's so ugly." One time I worked up the courage to buy a girl in high school a flower and gave it to her. She said "um, that's sweet." and as she walked away, plain as day, she threw it in a near by trash can. I stopped all together after that.For example: If I'm in a movie theater and a woman takes a seat near me, I'll pretend I have to get up and go out to the auditorium and then come back and get a new seat. I try to stand several feet away at all times and avoid eye contact. On the rare occasion when a woman asks "can I sit here?" if I'm on campus or somewhere, I'll say sure and just leave completely. Of course this means I've never been on a date or had a girlfriend. I have zero experience with women, never even held hands. Even though I get anxious and scared near women, I do genuinely think they're beautiful and amazing.I would like to go out on a date but not sure how to approach it. I've thought about online dating but how do you explain that situation? Like hey, I'll avoid eye contact the entire time we have lunch, see you there. Where do I start? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2016): I'm in a similar situation my friend, but my emotions and responses are a bit different. You seem to be in a much more complicated space. This is a consequence of "Operant conditioning" where your mind shifts it's thinking based on the outcome it believes may most likely occur. If a cat keeps getting electrically shocked eat times it attempts to drink water from it's bowl, at some point or another logic would advise that he stops drinking from the bowl because something bad will happen if he does.YES, women can be very mean, even they know it. It's unfortunate you never met a "nice" girl who could a least look past your looks if it is you think you're unattractive. The thing with women is that they tend to have an itinerary about "perfect guy" and if you don't match up with only one thing just on the list they put you aside. What I've learnt later in life is that women don't like nice guys nor no they like guys who don't seem sure about themelves (confident). Stop for a second, be selfish, and work on youself for a sec, learn to say no, learn to speak up for yourself and learn to not put women on pedestals. When you become sure about who you are women will be more approachable.The quickest advise i can give is to google why girls don't like nice guys or why girls like bad boys. From there you bluntly understand why girls push you aside. Its not just about looks. Its about your personality too. Try and foster friendly relationships with older women if possible and from there slowly ease back into trying to connect with women your age.All the best my friend.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2016): Sir, you must first seek professional therapy. There is a condition known as Gynophobia/Gynephobia, also known as Feminophobia. The disorder is a fear or hatred of women.
Many guys who have posted here well into their 20's and older who have never had a date; refuse to admit that they are afraid of a vagina, or of women. Maybe even disgusted by the thought of intimacy with a woman.
I bring it up, and I notice they never respond to that suggestion. They don't even want to address it. It's not meant to insult them; it's to see what kind of reaction or response I would get. They avoid any response to the suggestion, assuming it implies they're gay. Claiming they're more than eager to have sex, if only women would simply submit. Yeah, right! The sex-drive of an adult male will force him to try something/anything until he succeeds. Fear is the only obstacle.
We receive a lot of posts from men claiming they have never been on a date or had a girlfriend. They insist women simply are not attracted to them. There are dozens of responses given to these poor men; and their reply is always some rationalization of their fear. Or they blame women as the reason they cannot make a romantic-connection. No matter what suggestions or advice we offer, they have a negative response indicating it doesn't work. They claim to have tried everything to make themselves more appealing and to boost their confidence. Be that the case; then what could possibly be the reason absolutely no woman would want them?
It's only logical to conclude that they do not want a woman, or have an extreme fear of them. It's total avoidance which they project onto women. Women are not avoiding or rejecting them. It's the other way around!
Sometimes denial is unfathomable. It's so deep it takes years of counseling and therapy to get to the bottom of it.
Through therapy you will at least get a diagnosis and therapeutic counseling that may help you to overcome the anxiety. From your description, your aversion seems somewhat extreme. Not the typical nervous reaction most guys have in the presence of females. Avoiding eye contact isn't something to be easily dismissed as simple nervousness, when you're an adult male. Such intimidation requires medical evaluation by a professional.
There may be some time before you can bring yourself to date, if you haven't up to now. Most people overcome their discomforts regarding the mating process in their teens.
Seek help before placing yourself in a situation that upsets you so; or may frighten a female who doesn't understand your nervousness and anxiety. It may come across quite unsettling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2016): Aunt_Honesty mentioned CBT and in case you or someone doesn't know, that's Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I think that's a good idea.Meanwhile, such bullying has contributed to such severe anxiety for you that it hinders you. Simply saying, "I am a worthwhile person" to yourself isn't as easy as it sounds.Starting small isn't easy, but DO set small goals for yourself such as NOT getting up and moving when a woman sits next to you. If she's uncomfortable, she wouldn't sit next to you. If she moves away, maybe its not personal :-) If a bus is crowded, I end up sitting down next to whoever's got a free seat, preferably toward the back (but that's just me). If I bypass YOU and sit by someone else its not you, its because I'd rather sit toward the back of the bus so I can see everyone (I suffer from anxiety too). If I do sit by or in front of you and as ppl get off, I move away, it's not you - its because I see there's more room, I like my space, and I hate people behind me.That was a long example, but its to show you're not alone in anxiety and to offer you some small goals: practice letting strangers sit next to you without moving away, and don't take it personally if they do
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 September 2016):
 I honestly recommend that you go to CBT. It will help you with your behavior. This is quite extreme so I really do think a professional will help more than we can. It is a lot more than confidence issues here, you have extreme anxiety that needs to be under control.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (28 September 2016):
 This is extreme avoidance. I usually say get out there and be social but this is a case where you need therapy. A woman sitting next to you shouldnt warrant such shyness, I really think you should seek professional help then go from there.Just to let you know there is nothing wrong with you. But there is also nothing wrong with women. They are just human, just like you. We women walk, talk, we get nervous, we like watching movies, we have self esteem issues, we sneeze when we get a cold and we laugh when we find something funny and we use the restroom just like everybody else. The fundamental core to this is that you need to view women just as humans, not WOMEN. A lot the help you need is about shifting your perspectives about women and its not going to change over night but thru years. So you will need therapy, gaining social skills, being comfortable with you are, etc. Good luck, you will get there. You just need to say yes to help when it comes your way.
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