A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years, we met 3 years before we started dating,(when he just became single) and got more closer leading up to the start of our relationship. However as a friend, he used to talk about his ex, and how he cried every night for months. and i know so much about her, just from him rabbiting on about her. How he used to get emotional when they would meet for catch ups. When we started going out, he would compare us all the time, (albeit in positive ways - about how im more emotionally stable) but i used to boil inside, since every dinner would end in some sort of conversation about this type of comparison. And he would pass on knowledge he learnt from her to me about how to look after myself, since she worked in the beauty industry. It wouldnt take a degree to figure that cleaning my face with warm water, then splashing it with cold is the best way.... if you catch my drift. Then I discovered that he kept all of her cards, and notes and photos in a draw beside his bed. which had moved there when he moved into his house 6 months after we got together. He used to always talk about how they met, but indirectly, so i didnt realise it was actually about them and how they met. but found out later that this story was exactly about that. (???) I cried my eyes out knowing he took a shrine to his new house and kept beside his bed. they were eachothers first, so he will never forget her now either.He has said he has been an idiot in not knowing he was doing all of this to me. and promises that he would not waste my time if he didnt love me, if he didnt feel happy and content with me. This is probably what has kept me to stay with him. i do believe deep down he means it. After a long time of trying to not let him know it was hurting me, i finally sat him down and said he must stop - but by this time, so much anger i had bottled up was too deep. He has deleted her number, and email adress, and admitted unknowingly he's been a bit unwise to the situation. I'm not a jealous type, since i believe in myself. but what bothers me is that, he will never forget their relationship, and remember it for the rest of his life and the whole time he is with me. i feel like im only with him since he couldnt work it out with her. im the 'next best' to him.So ive talked this to death now with him, to the point he doesnt want to any more. he said i either get over it or move on if i cant forget - which is fair enough. so i have been fighting it for the past 5 months, trying to put it out of my head now for good, but altho he probably doesnt realise, it is still bothering me. i got extrememly bothered on his birthday, or christmas thinking she had probably sent him a text/card/email, and he has come to me wishing i could do what she used to do, or cuddlng me after spending time reminiscing about them.is it possible for me to nip this in the bud?? or am i wasting time and my intuition is right??? being that he will always have a place for her in his heart, but he does love me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): I know i know, you are right, but he spent a year of our relationship giving me 101 reasons to get upset over it.(plus stuff i know from when we were friends too - but its not fair for me to count that). so what do i do with all of the information in my head? of stories he told me, her old job, new job, her family, where she lived, what places/holidays they went and stories, cards and love letters in his draw, photos, how good her massages were, how they met everything i know just from being told by him, what do i do with it now it is in my head? (bare in mind they split up over 5 years ago, he was single for 3 years, then weve been together for 2 years.) He hasnt said or done anything for 6 months now, all but recieve christmas/bday email, and bumped into her one night he was out. and rung me drunk to tell me in the middle of the night.
Please this is the hardest bit, i am willing to believe we have something special, i believe he loves me, and wants to make it wonderful. I am still with him!! But what do i do with all my knowledge. Ive tried for 6 months to think of something happy as soon as anthing enters my head, or if im in a place where i know he has memory, i try not to let myself get sensitive. the most annoying bit is, i shouldnt know everything i do, but i do because of him!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): 'I'm not a jealous type, since i believe in myself. but what bothers me is that, he will never forget their relationship, and remember it for the rest of his life and the whole time he is with me. i feel like im only with him since he couldnt work it out with her. im the 'next best' to him.'
Hey you are saying that you are not the jeaslous type but this is showing a type of jealousy. I believe that possibly at the start you may have been the next best thing as he would have been rebounding after his girlfriend and would have been mournign the loss of his relationship. However, you have been together for three years so you must mean more to him now.
Is it possible for me to nip this in the bud?? or am i wasting time and my intuition is right??? being that he will always have a place for her in his heart, but he does love me.
I thinking you are wasting time but dwelling on his past and should be focusing more of your energy into trying to build memories of you and him together. You dont want him to remember you as beeing the jealous ex if you ever break up. Your intuition probally is right and she will always have a place in his heart BUT so will you. That is life. When you are open to love you love with your heart and hold on to special moments. He is doing the same with you and has told you he didnt realise what effect it was having and he has pulled out all the stops to try and change.
Dont try to nip it in the bud....leave it alone!
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