A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I could use your help. I'm very worried about my 65 year old mother and her weight. She has always been overweight but she has recently retired and is rapidly putting on more weight. She is probably about 8 stone overweight. I live abroad and just came home for Christmas and feel shocked by how apathetic she has become. She isn't depressed, but she stays in bed until about 3pm watching tv before getting up to do household chores and then watches TV all evening. She doesn't seem to eat much but I know she eats chocolate all day in private because her bedroom has lots of hidden chocolate and when I went on holiday with her a few years ago I couldn't believe how much she ate. She has no hobbies, very few friends, and absolutely refuses to exercise. She suffers from ulcerative colitis, arthritis and thyroid problems - for which she is on medication - but is otherwise healthy. She refuses to see a relationship between her health and diet/lifestyle and if me or my brother bring it up she is incredibly defensive and makes out that we are babying her. Both me and my brother are fit and healthy. She is single and has no pets and I worry about what will motivate her. I've tried to encourage her to come for walks with me but she refuses, and I've signed her up for some craft classes. My dad left 10 years ago and I know that her lack of motivation to do anything other than watch tv was part of the issue. Please help me. I don't know what to do. Every time I try to bring it up I get my head bitten off. I feel like she massively in denial.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): Daisy Daisy is correct. Your mother is depressed, and she has shut down.
Chocolate causes the the brain to produce endorphins. These are feel-good chemicals. Her thyroid condition and combined medications also zap her energy-level. They induce sleep.
It is likely she is also on blood-pressure medication, statins for her cholesterol, and a host of medications you are unaware of, or just didn't mention.
It's not just a matter of motivating her to move or exercise. She is heavily medicated, and her only pleasure is chocolate. All she hears from you, and possibly others, is what she's doing wrong; or nagging her about her weight.
She has no friends.
Repeat... She has no friends!
The woman is lonely beyond words. All her visits from family is to fuss and worry over her. Treating her like a decrepit invalid. You see to all her medical needs, but not to the most simple and common one we have.
Companionship.
Has it ever occurred to you that she could use a health companion? Someone to spend the day with her, getting her about. Helping her with chores, preparing her meals, and generally assisting her with independent living; and keeping her company.
A professional who deals with the aged and knows how depressed growing old alone can be. Someone who can show her how to still live alone,take good care of herself; but make sure she is taking her meds according to prescription.
Getting her doctor's visits as scheduled.
Mainly, keeping you and others from circling over her head. Making her feel feeble and old. Like she has lost her mind.
You love her dearly, but you've overlooked the obvious.
Find an agency with home-companions. They often take people for walks, help with the chores, make sure the make doctors appointments, and offer nutritional advice. They are not always nurses; but may have nursing degrees in eldercare or geriatrics.
She has no one around to relate to. She centered her life around raising kids and her marriage. She feels useless.
Abandoned by her husband. Growing old alone. She expected to have someone to grow old with.
Have a family intervention meeting at her house. All of you sit her down, and express your concerns one by one. Find an agency, and have a home-companion assigned to her without her permission. She won't accept anything out of pure stubbornness. You deserve peace of mind.
Let her get used to that companion, and you'll see a lot of improvement. In her health, diet, and general mood.
Reputable Home Companion services screen their caregivers, and closely monitor performance. They are closely in touch with the family's of the elderly person, and if your mother doesn't like the caregiver, they will be replaced.
Look into it.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (10 January 2014):
 It strikes me that your mother is depressed. Staying in bed until 3pm, not really wanting to face the world, is so typical.
Sadly there's not much you can make her do. It's up to her to see her doctor and describe these symptoms, get her thyroid levels checked etc.
The only thing I can suggest you do is stay in regular contact, phone her regularly to ask how her day has gone etc.
You can research what things are available in her area (time banks are an excellent way of getting people in touch with their local community, for example) but then it's up to her to decide whether or not she can face doing it.
Her motivation may just be in keeping you happy/ assuaged at first. But if you carry on showing gentle support, I hope it will motivate her to do things for herself.
65 is not old, but she perhaps feels some sort of crisis with recent retirement etc and needs a bit of a boost.
Good luck to you and your mother.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 January 2014):
 I wonder if she needs a better health work up, she sounds suspiciously like someone I knew, who later was diagnosed with Alzheimers. The weight gain and the mention of thyroid disease would suggest that perhaps the disease isn't being well managed medically.
Your choice of words suggest you are the from the UK and I think the UK has a web resource which may help you navigate this.
Ulcerative colitis, arthritis and thyroid problems and you call her 'healthy'?
http://www.nhs.uk/Pages/HomePage.aspx
I doubt this is a question of motivation. This is more likely poor medical care. If your brother lives close to her then it's time he go with her to the doctor's appointments.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 January 2014):
 well she could be depressed...sadly you can't motivate her.
as a sufferer of IBS and a chronic back condition (degenerative disc disease which is arthritis and deterioration of the spine) I struggle daily some days just to get through the day. You saying she is OTHERWISE healthy is NOT grasping the issue. I'm betting that while diet and exercise will HELP, her pain is deep and chronic and that changes us. It depresses us and there is not much we can do.
she's not in denial. she does not wish to do anything about it and sadly that is her choice. she may just be waiting to die... and that's sad but I understand it totally... yesterday I asked to be put down. I mean our animals are in chronic pain, we put them out of their misery..... not humans... we have to live daily with folks not understanding that just walking hurts so badly....
YOU signed her up for some craft classes? WITHOUT her asking and without her consent? HOW DARE YOU! I know you love your mom and worry about her, but you can't force her to do what YOU think she should do.
Sadly what you can do is say "mom I love you and I want to help you but I can see you are not interested in that so I'm sorry I have to wash my hands of the whole thing.. if you decide you want my help in getting help let me know as I will always be here for you and help you anyway I can but to avoid conflict I am going to leave you to it"
she is 65 and at this point in her life she has the right to live as she wants. I'm sorry. Motivation has to come from within.
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