A
female
age
41-50,
*umble
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years, now. We both love each other very much.In the past, we've had problems because of what seemed to be a lack of passion on his part, but after I started growing interest in things other than him, he started showing more interest in me. I think I was smothering him.Anyway, the more I grow to know my boyfriend, the more concerned/discouraged I become when I think about sharing the rest of my life with him. The reasons are all motivation and responsibility related: he doesn't know what career field he would want to go into (and of course hasn't even began college at the age of 23); he currently lives with his father and grandmother (and due to past complications now has me living with them, too), and doesn't know where he wants to live in the future; though he does technically have a job, he only works enough to make about $150/mo., and then opts to spend that on booze/mj/painkillers, rather than saving it. He's a very "laid back," spur-of-the-moment kind of guy. I try to talk to him about planning for the future (saving up money to move, where to move, buying a car), but if I ask questions, he always responds "I don't know." I've tried time and time again to get him to save money, and he CAN do it if he has a goal he wants to spend it on, but not until he sets that goal. He never has money to fall back on "just in case."Lately, he has been saying that he wants to move out of his dad and grandma's house (in a very small town), to a bigger college town about two hours away. He wants to move in with two friends (a couple) who have a spare room, and live there without me so that he may "find himself," or "work on himself." (He constantly alludes to how he's a fuck-up and I'm too good for him.) I do think this could help him, as his dad and grandma allow him to leech off of them without a) paying rent or b) keeping a steady job. This could help him to grow up in at least that respect.Anyway, what I'm wondering is:1. How can I motivate my boyfriend, to get HIM to WANT to save money?2. How can I illustrate the importance of planning ahead?3. I want to move to the West coast within the next six months. Currently, all he knows is that he wants to move to a college town close to his dad's house. He can't say whether or not he will want to move to the West coast with me later. SO: Would it be wisest for us to break off our relationship (either temporarily or permanently), so that I may move to the West coast while he lives with the couple in the college town, or for us to keep the relationship going by (my) moving to a different apartment in the same college town he will be living in?
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (4 August 2008):
Yep you have to go and follow your dream and get him do his own thing. You have to give him the opportunity to prove he can be independent and make something of himself without you there to hold his hand.
As for the "illustrating the importance of planning ahead." Unfortunately he has to learn that for himself. You are not his mother. When he moves out and has to budget rent etc and then suddenly gets an unexpected bill then he'll find out he needs to start having cash in reserve just in case.
A little while with him living in the real world should teach him he has to grow up.
With you living away it might also give him a chance to find out what he is risking losing if he doesn't give up the drugs and start acting like a man rather than a 14 year old boy.
If it is meant to be then it will be but you will not be happy if you give up your west coast dreams and stay in a relationship where you are trying to teach him how to live.
Good Luck!! xx
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