A
male
age
41-50,
*arryingguilt
writes:3 years ago, I was in a long term relationship. she gave up everything for me, friends, family, just to be with me. We lived together for years, but I developed feelings for another woman and began an affair. I hate myself for what I did to this woman, 3 years on, I still cry and am still plagued with guilt. Consequently my relationships after this have all been affected. They say "you do not know what you got till its gone!" that is the most true statement I have ever heard. I do not know what I want out of this, forgiveness is clearly out of the question (and rightly so), I guess, I just want advice from people who have been in the same situation, some guidance on how to make the deep guilt and shame go away.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): i think you should write an article here on DC about this affair, the guilt and the realisation that sometimes there is no second chances. you really do not know what you have until you lose it and then you take a lifetime trying to make sense of it all.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 November 2009):
 Look back at that as the younger you, and forgive that younger, immature, selfish you. Then don't go do it again.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (5 November 2009):
 There is no real way to make the guilt go away. What is done is done.
The only thing you can do is to forgive yourself. Realise that you made a mistake and let yourself be ok with that and make amends with your inner turmoil.
If you two are still together then telling her would only make it worse. The only thing anyone gets out of confessing an affair is relief for themselves and destruction of the relationship and its dynamics.
If you've already told her and she's less than forthcomming with forgiveness then i'm not sure that there is any future for you both as what is done is done by you and she has every right as the innocent party to make the decisions as to where she wants to go from there on out.
As bad as cheating is made out to be, people forget that we're all only human and most animals in nature are not monogamous. We're monogamous because society tells us that we should be. Society and its rules cannot surpress human feelings and sometimes the willpower and strength of human nature, which for all we know isn't to be monogamous.
You can't bask in guilt over this for the rest of your life because you can't take it back, it is something you have to come to terms with within yourself.
You could talk to her and seek some kind of a resolution but if she doesn't know about it, the best thing to do for the relationship to continue is to keep it to yourself. I'm not condoning cheating but you have to do whatever feels right for you now.
If you really can't live with it, then telling her and seeking councilling might be the best option.
Either way, your actions have changed the relationship and it will never be the same again, you have to take tiny steps from here on out.
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