A
female
age
30-35,
*ollowtheblackrabbit
writes:Sooo, "Charles" and I went on one single date and after that, he was convinced that I was the one. But, I wasn't ready for a relationship and told him so. The more I tried to put distance, the more he clung and he got jealous over guy friends leaving kooky or sweet messages on my wall like: ur the best hon! You like wrestling? MARRY ME NOW! Stuff like that. I told him we were JUST friends. But he keeps writing me songs and texting me sweet things. I told him to quit (nicely). Hes a good guy, but I'm not attracted to him and I feel bad that he feels this way about me. His family wouldnt accept me anyway, I'm a minority (they're a bit um, white power :p) and unlike him, I want to travel and learn more before I settle. Again, I'm not attracted, I care for him but I dont like kissing him and cant imagine being intimate with him ever. It just can't work, how can I make him see that I am not the one for him? He's very sensitive and suffers from anxiety attacks...
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): Hi,
OK, so it's NOT that you're not ready for a relationship, it's that this guy is NOT for you, there is a huge difference. If you didn't want to explore dating or a relationship etc, you wouldn't have gone on a date in the first place.
What I don't understand IF you are NOT attracted to this guy, don't want to kiss him, be intimate with him - Surely you knew that BEFORE agreeing a date with him??? Physical attraction is instant, which is why I ask the question, as YOU may have unintentionally given him MIXED messages, out of trying to be kind, polite..but you can't do this, and you can't protect someone just because they're sensitive or have anxiety attacks, as by doing so, you only DIG a bigger hole of having to eventually say what you really mean.
No one can go through life expecting to be the 'ONE' for every person they meet and date along the way, and we also have to accept PAIN, rejection along our life is part of it, just like breathing. More you try to avoid this, the more you make someone un-accepting of these golden rules of life, and crumble if someone says no to a date.
If you tell someone you are not ready for a relationship, all this does is give them some hope for the future that when you are, you MAY consider them as a partner, this is mixed messages. The best way out of this, is to be truthful, but with sensitivity and it CLEARS you from being considered as a possible partner. You see, the reason you have given, is actually a FLUID reason, meaning it can change.
If you were to say, that you have enjoyed your date with him, think he's really nice, but that intangible ' Chemistry' that is needed for you to explore a relationship with him is just missing. That says it all - but it doesn't say you find hip physically unattractive, which would hurt him, anyway looks are subjective. We all need chemistry to fall in love, and chemistry is intangible, so it's a safe and truthful explanation to give.
You must not give hope to him in any way, or say things to be kind that will mislead him, otherwise it will backfire, and keep him from moving on and finding closure from you.
Good luck with it all...
Jilly x
A
female
reader, LLindy87  +, writes (25 July 2010):
 completely be up front like you have been and keep it up. As long as you don't lead him on what so ever, like hanging out with him one on one would be a bad idea. When he gets upset at messages from your friends, which is somewhat controlling anyway, call him out on it. Say "Listen, I don't have to explain myself because they are just friends and you and are are not together. I don't think I'm the one for you, I don't want to hurt you but it wouldn't be fair to date you considering I don't feel the same way." or something like that. If he still doesn't get the hint after that, don't feel bad about putting distance between you two. Those are some strong emotions for him to feel right after one date, but they do say that guys actually fall harder for girls when they find one they really like.
I do understand where you're coming from, ive been in situations like that too and its hard to get the guys to give up. Usually I have to remind them that they're just friends with me if they try to take things further or I completely break ties with them, depending on how extreme they are acting.
If you want him in your life as a friend, I'd just keep it friendly and make sure you don't lead him on.
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A
female
reader, babigurl0497 +, writes (25 July 2010):
 Well, sit down and talk to him nicely, say that you hope you all can stay friends, but you don't want to be in any relationship at the moment. Maybe sometime down the road, when you're both older and more mature. Hope this helps a little. :)
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