A
female
age
51-59,
*enlarlham
writes:I have been with my husband for 19yrs. We have had our plights and problems. I left him about 5 yrs ago, for about 2 years, over a problem he covered up with a mountain of lies and betrayals. I continue to work with forgive and forget issues. He still lies to me often and I am finding myself lost, for lack of coming up with another word. I love him and don't want to split up but find myself distancing myself and putting walls up that took a long time to take down. How can I make him realize the amount of distance his lying is putting between us? Or is this his way of trying to put the distance there?
View related questions:
split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, canusee the realme +, writes (14 April 2013):
This sounds weird, he hasn't ever lied ( in the beginning). If you know he is lieing, then whats he lieing about. Have you done anything or left him thinking you have? People, at least most people lie when they have nothing else to lose. If it were a summer fling, i would agree with everyone else, but he seems like he has a lot to lose. He may feel like he's already lost it. Both of you need to be honest with each other. If that's too much for right now, be honest with anyone about whatevers bothering you. Have him do the same.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 March 2013):
 What is he lying about? Porn? An affair? Maybe if you bring the issues into the light of your world, you'll be able to make some healthy choices for yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, jenlarlham +, writes (28 March 2013):
jenlarlham is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he has not always lied. Honesty and trust was very important to both of us. Thanks for all the responses. I don't feel there is anyone I can talk to about this, mostly I'm just embarrassed, i don't know if it is more embarrassing that i don't mean enough to him for him to stop or that i keep putting up with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 March 2013):
You are 36-40? You have another lifetime ahead with a new person possible for yourself.
Can you imagine a relationship based on real trust? Not this anxiety and emotional upheaval, concern and sorrow that you face everyday…. what a weight will be lifted from your shoulders.
The fact of the matter is he lied until you left, he didn't 'learn his lesson,' and you came back to … more lying. Which essentially demonstrates he can't be honest with you. I see a lifetime of his lying while you are upset with him and the relationship deteriorates further to the point where it ends.
If you end it now, you can get on with finding a REAL man, not this UNREAL man you so want to be honest…
He isn't going to change, it's pretty obvious. Sorry.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 March 2013):
 Does he want the marriage to work?
Have you asked him WHY he lies?
If he does, then counseling and being held accountable for his lies may work.
IF he's always lied and you always accepted it, then he's been taught he can do it and get away with it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): After 19 years, it is unlikely a leopard will change his spots. It has been an emotional roller-coaster for you, and I don't think a marriage counselor can cure a man of a propensity for lying. It appears your husband has a problem that runs deep and the best a marriage counselor can do is console you and give you false hope.
You need to sit down and way the pros and cons of a continued relationship with this fellow. He has now estranged you from your marriage for a second time, and it seems the only one willing to make it work is you.
You may need to separate permanently and see where life takes you from here. You need to rebuild your life, and gather strength to grow and take care of yourself. You left before and returned to the same, if not worse. People can remain good friends for years following a divorce.
You were not put on this earth to fix your husband. He will change when he is ready, and he has proven that he doesn't care enough for you to change for you. Time to face the truth, and you don't seem to get it from him. It's right in front of you. Your marriage is not working.
You gave it a second chance and isn't working out. Go find yourself some happiness. Life is too short.
You can still forgive him, because to forgive is divine.
You can forgive to move on, not to stay in the same daily hell you've been going through for the last 5 years.
Ask yourself, will staying in your marriage give you peace and happiness?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): "How can I make him realize the amount of distance his lying is putting between us?"By putting distance between him and you, which means holding him accountable for his actions, which means leaving him. Otherwise, he will continue to lie for the simple reason that he knows you will continue to allow him to get away with it each time you "forgive and forget." That's what he's counting on.How can you profess to "love" a man who treats you with such absolute contempt? Men can't disrespect women who respect themselves.
...............................
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (28 March 2013):
 it is good to love your husband , even though he lies to you. his lying is doing harm to your trust, your relationship with him, and your future together. some people are just plain liar's, they have done it for so long they even believe there own stories. they try to cover up one lie with another. they try to cover up a mess with a lie, and not take responsibility for their actions. they often like to put blame on someone else instead of them self. " how can i make him realize the amount of distance his lying is putting between us". you need a third party to work between you two. you left him for two years and came back to the same problem, nothing changed with him. you need marriage counseling to work this out to find problems that may be covered under, to get to the root of the problem. you have tried for nineteen years to help, its time to get some out side help.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 March 2013):
 Has he always been someone who lies? You said you've been married 19 years, and at least for the past 5 you've had issues about this. Was this the case earlier? 10 years ago? 15? 20?
In this case, no matter what the answer is, the two of you need to put in some serious time with a marriage counselor. This someone should be neutral, not partial to either one of you, and preferably someone you both trust. If his lying is a 5+ year thing, it's important to find out why. If it's been there for much longer, then simply hoping he changes and working through your own reactionary issues won't help, and you'll remain stuck in the same feedback loop you're getting frustrated with now.
This counselor should be able to work with you separately as well as together. I recommend this because you both tried splitting up before, and it seems that one truth in this whole pack of lies and issues is that both of you do truly love each other, so that's something that can be worked with.
Both of you should do it sooner rather than later, and plan on it being much more than one or two settings and a quick fix. Devote the next couple of years to this mutual improvement, and prepare to face truths in yourself as well as helping him to break free of a deceptive life path.
...............................
|
