A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have always had trust issues. I almost trust no one except myself. You may call me selfish. I am always on my guard, I never let go fearing I might get hurt, and I end up getting hurt all the same. I've been dating a man who is very kind, nice, handsome, he's everything I ever want in a man. We made love and spent some days together in his house. However, I am still on my guard, not completely opening up to him. He feels I am still not being myself with him, even though we have been seeing each other for some months and been so intimate. It's not that I lie to him or hide things from him. But I think a hundred times before I tell him about my inner self. Also, I am always depressed and I cry a lot when I am alone. I am afraid to tell him about my depression issues in order not to scare him away, or seem like a boring or ugly person to be with.I sat with myself and thought about it and I found I am really not opening up to him though I love him more than you can ever imagine. And though being with him is the happiest thing in my life, I don't know how to express my feelings naturally. How can I lower my guards for him? How can I become relaxed enough to trust him completely? How can I solve my trust issues? Does meditation help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): I think you skirted around our suggestion about therapy. If you have depression, and you're having so much difficulty with trust; maybe you might have an anxiety disorder. You can't let such illnesses go untreated, because they grow increasingly worse with time.
You say he's growing distant? Yes, people grow distant when your insecurities are all they seem to see in you. The majority of the OP's we respond to here are in treatment for anxiety disorders, or suffering from social dysfunction disorders. This site is where you get down-to-earth non-professional advice, encouragement, comfort, and sometimes a boot in the butt to get you thinking.
You can't rule-out professional-therapy. Yes, sometimes you have to use good-old fashioned determination. You can't go running to a therapist before you've tried as hard as you could. Once your efforts fail, you have to realize you need help. I think a lot of people turn to therapy to get a fancy name for their insecurities to use it as a crutch or a banner to wave; so they don't have to change. They shove their fancy-named disorder in everyone's face, with a "take-it or leave-it" attitude. "I do it because I can't help it!" It's not always that they can't. They won't even try! Love does have conditions. Nobody wants to waste their time and invest their feelings in someone who doesn't even try. I won't. It's a deal-breaker for me. I'm a work in progress, and I'm not letting anyone set me back!
Perfect people are alone, because they have no match. Insecure people are alone, because they think they have to be perfect.
Therapy is meant to help you develop the tools to function and survive, by facing your fears and eliminating crippling self-doubt. It will help you to analyze and overcome trauma that has a hold on your psyche or subconscious-mind that doesn't allow you to progress, or move forward. To forgive, or forget. Things you can't see on your own. If there are malfunctions in your brain, proper evaluation will lead to the best available treatment.
You still have to do all the work and it takes commitment. Most people are lazy, and think the psychiatrist is supposed to give them a magic pill or hold their hand 24/7. There is work to do beyond the couch. It takes patience and the strong desire to overcome those issues within us; that don't allow us to live free of unfounded fears and insecurities. Weaknesses that are most often manageable with courage and fortitude. Unfortunately, therapy is ineffective on stubbornly hopeless people. Those who have completely given-up, and dedicated to a mission of trying to prove that their situation is uniquely desperate and beyond help. They find unsuspecting people, trap them in horrid relationships, breakup, and move on to the next disaster. It's always the other guy's fault.
I think you have resigned yourself to believe you are hopeless beyond help. It's too hard to try and you are avoiding seeking professional evaluation and opinion.
I can't read your mind, but I can read your posts. Most of your questions are really what we all have to figure out based on the situation that we are in, and we use our instincts and logic to get the results we desire. If you want to keep him and bring him closer, get professional therapy with your anxiety and depression.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. You will never meet another human being incapable of hurting your feelings or leaving you. You will never have a perfect mind or a perfect body. Some things about yourself you will be able change or fix; then others you just have to decide when it is time that you seek therapy to determine why you can't fix it by yourself. We all have quirks. If they're harmless, they're just a part of our personality, and what makes us who we are. Quirks are what we bring with us and leave it up to others to take them or leave them. Sometimes these quirks make us desirable or more adorable to the right person. Never presume anyone should accept all your quirks and love you unconditionally. It wouldn't be love, it would be stupidity. Life is not like a greeting card, and when we stop trying to force it to be that way, many will have happier lives. Life is good, being human we have flaws that create what's bad in it. How we treat each other is what makes it better. Some people spend more time complaining about their lives than living it. I avoid those types. I'm not always happy. I get sad, pissed-off,and pissed-on. That's life.
If you need him to stay, figure out a way to do it. If you can't, don't strain yourself trying. Don't blame him for it. In fact, stop looking for blame and find ways to change.
Understand that when people try hard; and it doesn't work, they have to stop. Then don't go blaming them for hurting you, when you gave them no other choice. Leaving is to save themselves, my dear. Not to hurt you. They get tired.
I warn people to delay going into committed-relationships with extreme insecurities; because the connection will we constructed around their own self-protection. Avoiding what makes them uncomfortable and expecting the other person to be ever-mindful of how fragile they are. There are far too many people like this; and they are becoming less desirable to be with. They own no responsibility for anything. Most of us just want an ordinary relationship with the typical problems couples have. Some are equipped to deal with disjointed and discombobulated relationships. They thrive on drama. They don't last, but they never run out of them; because they're so easy to find.
When dealing with human frailties, we have a limit to our patience. We are better off to move on and find someone with a coping level more equal to our own. People read too many whacked articles or bullsh*t publications about love. We use technology so much (or too much) these days, maybe we find surrendering to our worst faults without working on them; is just the social-norm. That is, until you have to live with and love someone; and face some big-time harsh realities about life.
You may accept them, other people don't have to. We shouldn't, for our own sanity. I work hard every day to deal with what life throws at me. I never give-up on myself or humanity. We were never meant to be perfect; but hopelessness and fear are the enemy. We were designed to fight them. We have relationships to express our emotions, seek affection, have sex, and to smooth our jagged edges when it comes to interacting with other people on intimate terms.
If you want to reciprocate trust and caring with your boyfriend, you first have to convince yourself; that even if he could possibly hurt your feelings, you can still survive it. You can find someone better. That is how I've survived having a loving partner die, and I got dumped in the first relationship I decided to commit to afterward. I've recently met someone else; and I place no undue expectations apart from trying to see to his needs and being wide-open and receptive to all his efforts to please me. I'm very comfortable. The other night, he just put his head in my lap and fell asleep. When someone is that comfortable with you, you're doing something right.
I've learned some things the hard way, but I also had my parents and mentors to show me the way. I never live in fear and hopelessness. I have faith things get better and they always do. I struggle through my hardships, I pray, I keep a spiritual base, I have my intellect, and I have support-systems. Each have their purpose. Each have worked for me.
When he is making-love to you, close your eyes and think about how good it feels. Do everything you can to make him smile. Ask him why he has become distant as of late? Listen astutely to what he has to say. Don't fall apart. People want the best of us, when they give us the best of themselves. It is only fair to give them their freedom, if we aren't up to the task. It really bugs be when people say they can't let go; because they love someone. Even when that persons is destroying them, or the other way around. That isn't love. That is stubbornness, selfishness, and refusal to face the truth. Love would give you the strength to do whats best for you, and the other person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question" He seems instinctively aware of your tenseness around him; and it sounds like he is helping to soothe you in every way he can. He can probably relate; because he may be nervous too!"
How would I feel that I am completely relaxed with him?? Are there signs?? And what I should I do??
I seem to be watching him all the time. For example when he kisses my breast, and I enjoy it, yet I find myself looking at his eyes or facial expressions of how he is enjoying it , rather than just letting go and let it get to my bones.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question" Once he shows that he's making the effort to make you feel at-ease; and consistently showing you kindness and respect. Reward him for it."
How to reward him? Please, explain, give me examples.
Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for such helpful answers. You can't imagine how grateful I am to you really.
@ WiseOwlE, you have actually uttered many things that I am in desperate need to hear right now. I've recently started to practise some meditational and relaxation exercises and I feel better than before. I sleep more peacefully than before and I eat better. I have one question more for you. Please, answer it, please. We have been dating for almost a year and he has seen me at my worst, a thing I allowed him because I actually trust him generally. He gave me many chances so that I get rid of that tension between us and be totally myself with him. However, he recently seems that he's keeping a bit of a distance between us because he somehow realises that I will never be cured of being that"ball of nerves". That was before I start practising meditation. Now, I feel better about myself, I've stopped crying for days and I feel that when I see him and be with him again, I will be actually myself. Do you think that there is hope that he will give me another chance?? That he will take me back?? He's seen my worst, would he still be interested in me at my best, my better days now?? Or is it too late for me?? I'll do anything for him. I'm ready to relax 24 hours a day if it's going to make me recover and get him back. He is the first man I sleep with and as you said this is real trust on my part. It's about living together and being all the time around each other that I want to know how to be relaxed about. To be with him like I am when I am alone, you know. Thank you so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2014): I think before you tell him anything about your depression, that you first get a medical evaluation and full physical examination. A lot of people have physiological reasons for depression, thinking it's psychological. They don't go to the doctor for fear of the stigma of "mental-illness." My dear, an illness is an illness. Be it mind or body, it has to be evaluated by a doctor.
Trust is something that has to be earned. I have to let you know something you seem to have overlooked. If you had sex with a guy, and you share intimate moments and your time with him? Guess what? You're trusting him. You've allowed yourself to be vulnerable. If that isn't trust, what is?
Nobody says you have to pour it on by the truckload!
It is better to get to know people over-time; and offer them trust as your relationship endures and solidifies. Once he shows that he's making the effort to make you feel at-ease; and consistently showing you kindness and respect. Reward him for it.
Maybe you usually trust too soon, only to be disappointed. Take it nice and slow; but don't keep verbalizing your anxiety. You're not doing yourself any favors by doing that. Save that for your doctor.
Give yourself a little credit, you're taking the risk. If you weren't trusting him, you wouldn't be going out with him. You'd be cowering someplace in your house. Avoiding contact with any man. He's seems to be getting you to open-up your feelings to him, and you don't even seem to notice.
Some people are a ball of nerves; and it's over within hours, days, or weeks. He seems instinctively aware of your tenseness around him; and it sounds like he is helping to soothe you in every way he can. He can probably relate; because he may be nervous too!
Work with him, make it a joint-effort. Spend sometime thinking about how you can attend to his needs, aside from sex. Concentrate on pleasing your partner, and you forget about your own anxieties. He seems to be rewarding you well, you said some very nice things about him.
One of the issues we all are guilty of in a new romance, is wondering if we're going to mess it up, trying to anticipate the thoughts and feelings of our partner, and wondering how much information to share about ourselves.
Your problem is, all these things are swimming around in your brain all at once. May I recommend that you learn meditation and yoga? The serenity it brings you will teach you how to find a place where you can escape fears and anxieties, and it doesn't conflict with your therapy.
Take your time. Rushing yourself builds undue anxiety. Don't get ahead of yourself. You don't have to unload everything about yourself all at once. If you are under treatment, does your therapist or doctor notice good response to prescribed medication(s)?
So many doctors these days toss pills at patients, and don't really do follow-up on their response; or offer them a prognosis. It doesn't hurt to ask questions, or tell the doctor if you don't feel any differently. Doctors are overwhelmed with patients these days, and just seem to offer assembly-line treatment. In the USA, only a psychiatrist can prescribe medication to mental-health patients. I don't know about the UK. Your regimen of treatment/therapy would be most effective, if you're seeing someone who specializes in depression. If you aren't being treated, get help!
Get your depression checked out and managed by a specialist before offering your partner too much information. People tend to try to figure out what behavior is attributed to your illness; and can't distinguish what is just an ordinary quirk. I have a buddy who is former military, from the Gulf War. He often worries his wife when he's sad about things. Just normal sadness. He's doing just fine.
He's a really upbeat guy, but if his favorite ball team loses a big game, he'll sulk! It's hilarious!
Allow yourself time to get to know your guy. Don't keep telling him how much you can't trust him. That is very insulting to someone who cares for you; and doing everything they can to earn your trust. It's not just about you, he's investing his feelings in a relationship; and being exclusive for a reason. So make it worth it to him.
If you're not ready, now's the time to let him know. Don't wait until he has fallen completely, then flake out on him.
There are no guarantees in any relationship, for either person in it. You can hurt him, or he can hurt you.
Even if that happens, you've survived it up to now. So my dear lady, maybe you're stronger than you think!
You can't lead people on, get them attached to you; then waste their time diluting all their efforts with your insecurities. Get out if you can't handle it.
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female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (3 October 2014):
 Meditation can help soothe you and is very healthy but to solve why you feel so distrustful you might want to consider therapy.
How many months has it been since you started dating him?
In my option trust is something that has to be earned. I would never trust a stranger or someone that I didn't know very well. Try taking it one day at a time and and focus on getting to know him more. I find the more I know a person the more I trust them.
Good Luck!
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