A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So aunts and uncles, I need some pointers here! I am about to go on a date soon with a friend of 6 years. He has been with me through the ups and downs of my bad relationships in the past. So obviously we have gotten close. He's such a sweet, caring guy. Here are my issues though; I'm hyped up all the time. I have bpd (borderline personality disorder) and I have to admit, after being cheated on so much it has made me numb and nervous, to get close to anyone. My mind goes from trust, to what if, back to trust, then back to questioning it. I have worked a lot of the bad issues out with a therapist. But do you guys have any ideas on how I can maybe calm down as a person, and not be so quick to think my relationships are doomed? I have a fear of being abandoned, and I want to get over it. Should i just make myself let go, and let my guard down hoping for the best? I'm sorry if this question is confusing. I'm basically asking, how do I properly maintain a relationship? Just give my all, do my part and hope he does me right? I'm tired of running from my emotions. Thank you guys for reading. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (17 December 2013):
I do not know much about BPD so I can not offer much advice on this. I can only recommend to mention this early on to whoever you are dating. Hopefully, that person will understand and adjust accordingly.
At the very least, dating is something that does not change in 1 year, 10 years, or 100 years. The core principles are always the same. No one is perfect so there is no right or wrong way to avoid problems. When you are dating, do not worry about yourself but instead try to learn more about the other person, ask questions and generally have fun. Use three months to know as much as you can about the person then decide if this person is right for you, for intimacy and the long run.
Be honest, be forgiving and just be yourself. If things do not work out then it was just not meant to be. Move on and start anew. Good luck to you
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): I think the best you can do is make any young man you're dating aware of your BPD. You can't control your disorder like adjusting a control knob. It simply doesn't have an on and off switch.
You described your condition to be borderline; so clinically you know your limitations.
You have known this young man a long-time; so he is very much aware of who you are. He will have to be able to deal with the personality changes he sees, and know that they may be symptomatic of your disorder.
It is unlikely he will be able to always be as understanding as you would hope he would be. You are making a very tall order. It's one thing dealing with personality disorders as a friend. It's different in a romantic situation; because you want intimacy and trust, like other committed couples. That may be one-sided. He will endure most of the stress. You will be frequently in turmoil with your feelings.
It may sound discouraging, but you know the realities of your disorder. You also know how it effected your past relationships, and that it will continue to be a part of your life. If there was any cognitive way you could override your personality fluctuations; you'd be cured.
You can only hope that he be understanding and patient.
Prepare for times when he can't be. Simply take it one day at time.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 December 2013):
 I know a lot about BPD. And to be honest, you're making it sound much more simple than it really is. If only it were just as simple as letting it go.
You can't just decide one day to get over your abandonment issues and that be the end of it. If it were that easy, borderlines would not have to deal with the years of therapy they face. That fear of abandonment is central and core to what borderline personality disorder is. Everything is centralized around that main issue. So as much as it would be great to just say "today is the day I let it all go!" you have to be realistic.
You've gone to therapy and worked on a lot of your core issues. That's great!! But you may still have a long way to go in actually implementing these behavioral changes in real life relationships.
BPD is marked by an intense and overwhelming fear of abandonment. And splitting others black and white. Basically, this feeling that people are all good or all bad. And someone can be the love of your life and savior one day, and then say one wrong thing on accident the next, and then they are your worst enemy. Relationships are so up and down and rocky because of this. You pull them close and then push them away. Lull them close and then push them away. And that's the cycle.
All this being said, I just don't think it's reasonable to just "let your guard down" and see how it goes. I think that's a very unrealistic expectation and simplification of what BPD is.
Don't get me wrong, with lots of therapy (dialectical behavioral therapy has the highest rate of effectiveness), you CAN learn to have healthy relationships and take control of things. But I don't want you to have this unrealistic expectation in your head that it's just as simple as letting it all go.
If you begin to notice yourself resorting back to old habits, do yourself a favor and don't date until you are ready.
I mean no harm. Just being real. Good luck.
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