A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i'm 15 years old, and recently discovered my dad is having an affair. I HATE HIM! How the fuck could he do this to my mom and our family! I found out when my mom found out, and my parents don't believe in hiding things from me and my siblings. They're geting divorced, and my dad is still seeing that disgusting skank. He wants joint custody, but i don't want to see him ever again. I have lost all respect for him as a person. He is nothing to me. I hate what he did, its his fault our family is falling apart. I met the stupid bitch a week ago, when I was forced to go out to dinner with him, as my mom, being the wonderful woman (who could have done so much better than my slimeball excuse of a father!) she is, wants us to have a dad. I gave her dirty looks all night and told her she was a souless homewrecker and i don't feel guilty at all. I'm kind of scared how angry I am. Its because of that ugly homewrecker and my horrible father that ne and my siblings have to go through this. And its all I can think about! And it makes me so mad. My grades are slipping, I'm angry all the time, and i don't know what to do! How can i try to get past this? I don't want to be mad forever. I never want to see my dad again, but I don't want to deal with this anger forever.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 April 2012):
 Your mom is a gem!
I am glad you are going to therapy....
I hope that each day gets better for you....
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 April 2012):
 Good luck honey. I'm glad you have such a SUPER mom! And even when you start to feel better about it all, keep journaling, it's a GREAT way to vent feeling, thoughts.
*hugs*
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 Good for you. And good for your mom! It sounds like you are on the road to healing. It's sure to to be a long road, but you've made wonderful first steps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone. I didn't quite know how to explain this to my mom, so I showed her the post. She said that we were going to make some changes, which we did. Today i had my first therapy session. She decided I can't be the only one feeling this way, so all of my silblings and her are going to private therapy sessions and then a group session once a week. My mom works so thankfully it isn't a financial problem. She called my dad, and told him if he wants to see his children, he needs to keep his partner out of it. I feel a lot better after therapy, but i'm still mad. My therapist says this is normal, and I can't expect to feel 100% a week after it happened. However, she says that one day I will. Anyway, my dad agreed that after our last messy encounter, it isn't good for the other woman to be at our father daughter outings. I got a tutor to help me in the subjects that are slipping, to help me focus and not stray off topic and think about it. My therapist suggested I start to write down my feelings, which I am doing. She also suggested to channel my anger into an outlet (just like one of the posters suggested!). I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet, but a few looked interesting. Thank you for all who posted, and hopefully one day I' ll be able to forgive my father.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 April 2012):
It's hard, but it can be done.
When you waste time HATING someone, you are feeding yourself toxic emotions. You are bitter, disappointed, sad and mad. All which are understandable, you feel let down. You were let down.
You have to accept that what you father did is on HIM. His actions, his shit to deal with. If you don't want to be around him then don't. Maybe down the line you will want to talk to him, maybe you don't.
What you have to realize that there is always two sides to a story. Maybe you dad realized the he wasn't worthy of your mom.
Don't let his poor judgement shape you into a hateful person. Support your mom, but also let her know that right now you do not wish to deal with your dad and his "woman". No one can MAKE you.
If your school has a counselor, go talk to him/her. If you have friends who went though a divorce talk to them.
My best friend's dad cheated on her mom. But they stayed together and I remember her anger at her mom for not just dumping the cheating man. As we grew up she would have all these really dysfunctional relationships and she used to blame her mom. Her mom made her see a therapist and it did wonders for her. She stopped being angry and eventually forgave both her parents for not being "perfect".
As corny as it sounds some times marriages just don't work. Your mother is better off without him. Se deserves happiness and a good life.
You don't have to like your dad's new woman. You don't have to get to know her, you don't HAVE to spend time with her. If at some point you want to talk with your dad, ask to meet him alone.
Try and focus on your school. Getting bad grades won't fix anything. Stop punishing yourself for the actions of your dad.
*hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): OP I understand your pain I'm a child of divorce too. The one question I have for you is have you sat down and talked to your dad one-on-one and heard what he has to say for himself?
You have no idea what his and your mom's relationship was like, their history, none of that, if he has been a good, loving father to you then he deserves the chance to explain the situation to you.
Honestly OP at 15 you really don't know your parents at all. You know mom and dad but not jim and joan the people they are. Perhaps she's cheated on him in the past, perhaps there is a side to this situation you don't know. I didn't find out the true details of what my parents relationship was like until I was an adult and actually talked to my father as an adult, my mother wasn't the saint I believed her to be at all and while I still don't speak to my father because he never really was good to me or there for me at least my anger is gone because I understand what happened. If my father had been a good father to me then he would have definitely earned the chance to be heard, to be considered and perhaps forgiven.
The only way your anger will subside is to perhaps get some counselling and do what you can to better understand this situation. I think if you can talk to your father and at least understand his side then you're mind will heal faster, you may still hate him after that talk and that is fine, we all make mistakes if he's a good person and good father you and your siblings then he doesn't deserve to punished for an act that may well have been something that was understandable (although not acceptable) in the greater context of their relationship. All I can say is I know people who have and are cheaters, that doesn't make them bad people OP, he can still be a loving and good father to you regardless of what happened. If he's never been a good father to you then screw him.
If you don't want to be mad forever then talk to him about it, it's very easy for people to say stay out of this,they're adults. But your 15, you're not an idiot and as parents you need them step up and help you through this. But you have to have reconciliation with your father as a possibility. Just because you hate the act doesn't mean you have to hate the person, this is probably not as black and white as "he cheated on my mom, broke up my family and hurt us all."
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (13 April 2012):
Wow, you sound like me.
My parents split when I was maybe 12. I had no idea that there was ‘another woman’. I don’t really think ‘another woman’ was necessary, because my parents’ marriage wasn’t very good. They fought lots, threw things at each other. It was a very unpleasant environment.
My Dad moved away, and gave me an airline ticket to come see him. He picked me up at the airport, took me to a restaurant, where he introduced me to his “friend”.
Like you, I decided she was a whore, a home-wrecker, and had no interest in her. I was appalled that he would have the nerve to introduce me to her.
Over time I came to understand that my parents’ marriage had gone from bad to toxic. It took me a very long time to understand that my mother, who wallowed in pain for years, was not the right person for my father to be with. Yes, they made their vows, and yes, they worked hard for years. Thirty years, in fact. But sometimes, regardless of the vows you make, it’s just not the right combination.
My mom worked very hard to keep her anger and resentment from her kids. Having seen many bad divorces since, I bless her for how amazingly well she kept her pain to herself.
Kiddo, I understand your pain and your anger. I had that myself. It’s entirely up to you whether you can forgive your father. BUT – you have no idea what your parents’ marriage was like. You expected your family to be intact and perfect. That’s always the ideal. Your parents, for as much as they wanted otherwise, got it wrong. And they’re moving on.
You don’t know the whole story. If your parents are good people you never will.
Your father is telling you that he’s there for you, that he wants you to be part of his new life. It’s your call whether you want to accept that. Maybe today you don’t, and that’s fair enough. Someday down the road you might think differently.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 April 2012):
 First of all, it's okay to be mad! You don't have to feel guilty about being angry. Your dad shattered your world by cheating on your mom, and it's devastated you.
If you have someone like a trusted adult you who's apart from all this and not directly affected, it would do you a lot of good by talking to them. If your school has a counselor, he or she is really really good and trained to handle how you feel.
It's also good to have a healthy outlet for your anger. I know you want to strike at your dad and his new woman, but a better way is to find a different outlet. If you're into sports, working out, getting a punching bad and wailing the living hell out of it, or writing in a journal and letting every nasty thought out onto it are all really good ways to purge that. Take up self-defense, kickboxing or something like that. Or, channel it into competition of some sort. There's nothing like physical activity that just cleanses the soul when there's stress and rage.
You could take up a non-anger hobby too to help channel that stress that I know is accompanying the anger. If you're a musician, poet, singer, or something creative, the best songs are born out of angst and despair and rage, and it's a phenomenal outlet for you.
Finally, I know you feel like you never want to see your dad again, and that's totally natural! But even in the mad pitch of your rage towards him, don't say something you'll regret when the dust settles. And it will settle. Again, talking to a trusted adult will help you express that anger towards him as well as deal with how to interact with her when you have to.
It's good that you talk to your mom and your brothers and sisters, but it's also good to talk to someone who's outside of the situation.
Don't be scared of your anger. Simply be self-aware of making sure you don't channel it into something negative against yourself or other people. Don't take it out on other people as some do, oppressing their fellow classmates or friends, and don't turn it inward and harm yourself.
As for your grades, I know you're hurting, and it's universally common to have your grades slide because they seem so irrelevant to what's gone on in your world. But school performance is actually a really good way to both escape from the stress and channel that anger.
Good luck to you! My heart goes out to you. You may feel the opposite, but the sun will rise on you again. Don't worry, you will heal up. If you've ever had any broken bones in your life, they never heal up the same after they break. There's always a scar there in the bone, but they end up healing stronger than they were. It'll be the same with your heart. You'll never be the same as before your heart broke, but that scar will cause you to heal up stronger than you were, and hopefully you can, in turn, help others who are going through the same thing. This is your story.
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A
female
reader, Redbaglover9  +, writes (13 April 2012):
Hi, I can understand what your going through. And whatever your feeling is totally right. First of all, you need to stop being so angry and support your mother since she must be feeling even worse. Tell her your there for her and don't talk so much about it. Go take her out for walks, movies or something that she can enjoy to take her mind off things . That will even make you happier. Try making a stronger bond between your sibling, your mother, and you.
All of this happens, it will definitely take a lot of time to accept your dad back into your life, but you should because HE IS YOUR FATHER IN THE END. Maybe things weren't working out for him. I bet he must be feeling guilty too to wreck the family but you should try and understand him too.
Take some time off and stop getting so angry with him. Give everyone some time. You can ask your father to stay away from the family for a while and maybe then you'll realize that you do need him.
give him a chance because family is family.
Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): Your in shock still. in time you will get used to it. My kids never got on with the woman their dad left for. She was horrible to them and didnt want them around. Their dad and I listened to them and they never had to have contact with her They did still see their Dad though when they wanted to, which was not oftenYour angry with him and your mums trying to do what she thinks is best. If you tell her you cant cope with seeing the g/f or your dad just yet then she has to listen.You are also affected and your not 3yrs old so you need time to get your head round all this. Focus on your life, school, talk to your friends dont worry about the adults. You love mum so show her be kind and support her, but make it clear you do things with your Dad in your own time.Take care x
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