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female
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anonymous
writes:My inability to trust my boyfriend and my own insecurity is beginning to cause relationship problems. I love him, I really do so very much. He has been there for me whenever he can through the rough year I've just had. But for some reason I still cannot fully trust him. I didn't have the best childhood and I think that contributes to my inability to trust people easily but it's an issue because no matter how much my boyfriend reassures me he loves me, wants to spend his life with me it doesn't seem to sink in. I have depressive episodes every so often and when I do, it's like everything loving said to me goes straight out of the window and I basically reject him. I hate my behaviour when I'm like that.But depressive episodes aside, I still have times when I doubt what he says, even though I have absolutely no evidence or reason to do so. Literally, it is my own insecurity making up negative thoughts which make me hesitant.I would appreciate some advice on how not to be so insecure and to be more trusting of him? It's tearing me apart because he is so sweet, lovely and kind, but when I'm in one of my "moods" I lash out verbally at him which he does not deserve in the slightest. I even suggested breaking up with him, because I thought he deserved much better than me, but he was so upset at the idea and said he would be totally heartbroken, asking me not to suggest it ever again. So, I know he is totally understanding and patient of me, but I still wish I was a better person who didn't do anything to upset him at all. I don't want to hurt him, but it's an internal struggle to control the insecurity and negativity. It's driving me crazy.Thanks in advance to helpful advice. (I am 21 years old)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): I feel for you, and all I can say is TIME is a great healer.You said how old you are, but not how long you have been together. Your childhood, coupled with past experiences have left you who you are. For better or worse, someone who loves you will understand that, and will help you through it. It will take time though, and you need to give yourself that time and accept and love yourself too. Also forgive yourself for any mistakes or lapses, because eventually it will get better. You will learn to trust again, as you see it repeated over and over.Your boyfriend reassures you of his feelings, his love, his wanting to be with you. Sometimes it sinks in, other times, your insecurities and trust issues get the better of you. But if he keeps reassuring you, with words, but also with ACTIONS, it will eventually sink in, and stay in, that eventually you will find you are less and less insecure as you learn to trust someone again. I hope he is that someone that loves you enough to reassure you over and over. That he won't hurt you. That he won't let you down. That he won't give up but instead, that he is there for you over and over that you eventually can't help but know, deep in your heart, he will always be there.It can happen, not overnight, not by telling yourself that, but with time.Don't hate yourself or your behaviour, but learn from it. When you realise how much your hurt yourself and him through those episodes, you will learn to do better. To want better. Perhaps you won't be able to do it alone. You might need professional help, especially if the depressive episodes are long. Have you ever sought therapy over your childhood and the past? It might be an idea. It will help you objectify everything, and process it, and heal from it and you move on from it healthily and towards the future with your boyfriend. It's normal, even when you don't have a depressive episode, to feel insecure and doubt and distrust, even more so after everything you have been through. You need lots of love, lots of attention, and lots of giving to you, to make up for everything, and to let you know there is better and you can be treated better.Advice on how not to be so insecure? Build your self esteem and confidence. Research articles on the internet. It starts by accepting yourself, that you are unique, that you have a purpose for being on this earth, that God made you (if you are a believer) and that everything has a purpose and reason. Then to accept the past, the good and bad, to process it, to learn from it, to forgive if you need to for your own release and peace, and to forget and move on to a better future.When you know you are special, unique and that you are worthy of love, you will set yourself some goals and boundaries and know what you deserve.In terms of trusting your boyfriend through good times and bad? that will come as you spend time together, and with what he says, and what he does. That he remains consistent. That he does not hide things from you. That he has an open and honest relationship with you, so that you can build a healthy foundation of trust in each other. Of mutual faithfulness and loyalty, to each other. You will learn to trust him, by every day you are together, every incident he proves he can be trustworthy. So far nothing you have shared indicates any deceit on his part, so allow him a little rope, more and more, until it becomes more natural to trust him, more and more, until you eventually realise you do trust him. Try to release the control, because you can't control someone, and the more you do the worse it will be. Set him free, and if he is there, and wants to be there, he is truly yours and if not, if you lose him, he was not meant to be there after all, but you learnt from the experiences one way or another.It's great to hear how patient he is, and shocked at the very idea of breaking up because this is so hard for you. That was a good reaction on his part, but try not to put him through that again. It will make him have fears of your future. Instead, let him know how much he means to you and that you don't want to lose him, and ask for his help in overcoming these insecurities you know you have but want to overcome.Seek professional help, which will help both of you.I speak from some experience because I too was very very very hurt in the past with broken dreams and future and when I first got together with my boyfriend, I also felt insecure and found it hart to trust and not control him or us. However, no matter how much I had episodes too, he was still there. I threatened to leave, he would hold me tighter. I threatened and packed and began to leave, he would reassure me of how much he loved me and wanted me. Eventually I realised no matter what I said which I realised in time it was my way to check how much he really cared and how much he was willing to fight for us, that he really meant it: he wanted ME, and he intended to STAY. Eventually I had less and less episodes because I realised he meant what he said, he could be trusted and I began to trust him more and more, and here we are all these years later and we are both secure, happy and trust each other. So it can be done, with time. Let him help you, share everything you experienced, so he understands, and can be strong for you both. In time, you will both be better and stronger and happier.I wish you all the happiness you deserve, with him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response. I thought it might be a "just do it" thing and I understand why.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (13 August 2013):
 i understand trust issues. i struggled with them for years, and still to this day, struggle some. my experiences in my past had left me assuming the absolute worst in everyone. it's a miserable feeling. the only thing you can do is make an ultimate decision one way or the other. are you going to let it win or are you going to over come it? put your foot down and just do it. if you start to feel insecure and panicky, just learn to ignore it and cope with it. tell yourself it's just in your head and not to lash out. do whatever it takes, do NOT to lash out. eventually, you'll relearn how to handle situations.
the way i feel now, is that i give everyone the benefit of the doubt. it's not always easy and it certainly doesn't come natural (hopefully some day it will) and if i do wind up getting hurt and trampled in the end, then there's nothing i can do about it. i can't control others actions. i can only have faith and trust that they'll do the right thing. but ultimately, people are going to do what they're going to do, regardless of whether or not you get pissed and snap or not. it's easier to just have faith.
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