A
female
age
51-59,
*ew
writes:How can I keep strong and leave my abusive man once and for all. Two years ago my man asked if I would give him a 10 day excursion with his ex girlfriend because he said he loved us both (long story) and couldn’t decide which one to chose. I begged and pleaded and threatened to kill myself (thank Goodness I didn’t) but he still chose to go with her anyway (26 year old, hot chick with not only a 6 pack, I was told by him later, but an 8 pack and without kids, me being 36 at the time, three kids, who in their right mind wouldn’t?) Anyway after she went back to the UK the phone calls started, accompanied with the begging and pleading and all the sorry’s under the sun and that he would change. So like a fool I took him back thinking he will now see how much I really do love him and his abuse and affairs would stop. Nothing changed with him, the physical and mental abuse still continued, even worse than before. I left him again and found myself a good job, became independent much to his disdain and stronger in myself which was the best thing I could have done. We are still together but I can’t pick up the strength to leave him. He is always accusing me of cheating on him (which I would never do in fear he would kill me and for the love I do have for him) yet he is the one that is always out at night. He threatens me and my children, threatens to kill himself, says I won’t find another man, who else would take on my baggage etc. Besides from being scared to leave him I still love him (for reasons unknown) and after three days apart end up answering his calls, forgiving him etc. My children have threatened never to speak to me again if I go back, but I always do, I end up feeling sorry for him. Why? What is wrong with me? I have tried to maintained an ok figure for him, at one stage I was so thin people thought I was ‘sick’, I even went for a vagina operation for him (which he says didn’t change a thing) and I hate him looking at my body for fear of his critical comments. My whole family detest him, even his own brother and kids don’t like him but he seems to have such a hold over me, what is it? I think if I could put my finger on what it is, I might be able to move on with my life. It is also difficult to move on with his stalking and hounding methods. Any suggestions as to why I am so weak with this man?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): Many of us are not able to understand why a woman would remain with a man that is consistently violent or abusive. Why would you let someone hit you, degrade you, to scare you that much? Sometimes we believe that if we were in the same situation, we would just leave. Although battered women dream of freedom beyond the hands of their abusers, here are a number of reasons why they stay and why it is truly difficult to make the decision to leave.Battered women most likely have witnessed violence perpetrated against their mothers when they were children. Although battered women may have been scared as children watching their mothers be abused, violence against women is all that they have known. Battered women may believe that all women are battered behind closed doors. They have not yet learned that this is not normal behavior and they tolerate it because they believe that they can handle it.Battered women believe that they can change their men if only they love him enough.Battered women often believe that their boyfriend or husband is hurting inside and that is why they lash out. The women believe that they are together so that they can support the men through the hard times and "be the only one that understands". They believe that with enough love, their men will change their behaviors.Battered women stay with men who are beneath them because of low self esteem and the issue of complimentarity.Battered women believe all of the terrible comments abusers make to them. They believe that they are worthless and that they will never get anyone better. The issue becomes more complex when you consider the idea of complimentarity. Simply put, complimentarity is the hypothesis that women stay with men who are beneath them to feel better about themselves. If battered women feel low, at least they feel that they are better than their abusers.Battered women believe that they can not live without their boyfriend or husband.Due to fear of being alone, isolation from friends, or financial independence, battered women believe that they will not be able to succeed without their men. Although there is help out there, battered women are terrified to leave because their abusers have convinced them they are completely incapable of taking care of themselves.Battered women do not leave because their lives, or the lives of the children and extended family have been threatened.Many abusers threaten to kill the women they abuse or threaten to kill other family members should the women leave. Battered women believe the men and it is often proven to be justified. Many abusers do injure or kill women trying to leave abusive relationships.The reasons battered women stay in abusive relationships are as complex and varied as each individual woman is. Finding the strength to leave takes courage, will, and in many cases a helping, understanding hand.A book that I highly recommend in changing your whole attitude about life in such a way is called "Happiness is A Choice." If you would like to help support Mental Health Today you can buy this book through the amazon affiliated bookstore at:http://www.mental-health-today.com/bpd/books/bpdbook2.htmand finally try saying this to yourself this will help STOP GIVING HIM SO MUCH POWER. He is only a klutz.It doesn't matter if he hurts and wants to see me. He is a nobody to me…His behavior and his thoughts don't touch my life because I have emotionally unhooked myself from him. He will not be in your future. Get rid of him now and be free.Don't put your self esteem issues on what he does. He is abusive! It isn't me. It is him. He is SICK. He purposely does things to hurt you but it doesn't work anymore because he can jump up and down and do whatever - it is nothing to you. SEE YOURSELF BEING FREE! You are free NOW. Feel the calm and the good feelings that go with that…It is a waste of time even writing about him. I should get up and do other stuff - fun and enjoyable stuff because I am FREE from him. YEA! What a wonderful feeling?..You are already unhooked from him. Feel how good that feels. you can be free right now. Choose it.He doesn't count. He doesn't matter. I choose to have a life where he is not in it anymore. UNHOOK YOURSELF NOW."read and say this to yourself over and over, and please keep us posted
A
male
reader, glory_b  +, writes (8 January 2009):
I was in a similar spot with a cheater who had a way of talking me back into being involved with her. She had her good moments, she was physically there for me, but didn't respect me or my feelings. She'd continuously act out in destructive ways against me and herself, and it was very pitiful to watch. Then she'd somehow get her way and be back in my life. It's called being told what you want to hear. You need to know he'll never change. You'll be tricked every time if you think he's got it in him to change who he is. Nobody can change who they are. This is who he is; mean, abusive, and ugly.Does he ever ask how you're feeling? Does he ever tell you how beautiful you are? No, if he thought you liked yourself you'd see through his bullshit. He wants you beaten down so he can control you. Negative reinforcement is a powerful tool, as you have experienced.You validate him. You're the only one telling him he's worth it. While everyone else in his life has turned their backs, you're keeping him from being alone in his own mess. When you go he has nothing but estranged family and his own miserable face to look at in the mirror.You won't figure out why he has power over you until you break out from that oppression. Some prisoners are afraid of parole because they've been institutionalized and don't know how to live in the outside world. You deserve all the life and love you've denied yourself for so many years. It's time you leave. Leave, be free with your family and friends and people who will love you.
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