A
female
age
41-50,
*orrowinsac
writes:I have been married for 12 years and my husband and I have been together for 14 years total. We have 2 kids and we both work full time. In the last 3 years we have been through a lot of stuff, his admitted affairs after I found him emailing and looking for women on craigslist being the worst of it all. After he told me about his craigslist trolling, I suggested we look together at the pictures and fool around while doing that or maybe we could experiment together by trying a threesome or a swinging lifestyle. That went on a few months and we found a very nice couple that we had hit it off with, until he got a little too jealous about the other man and we had to quit.Then he told me that he was obsessed with looking at men on men porn and wanted me to try having a threesome with him and another man, I agreed and even though it bothered me to see this, I went along with it. We never did that again and it kinda got put on the back burner. Every once in a while I would check his emails to find he was still emailing men and women, when I would confront him his only excuse was that he is addicted to sex and I was not giving it to him enough so he needed to satisfy his urge with the emails and looking on the websites even if he isn't acting on them or meeting anyone. Which brings me to my current or recurring problem, he finally told me this weekend that even though we have sex 2-3 times a week it is still not enough, and I dont make him feel attractive, or wanted, and the men on men curiousity has never gone away. He said he wants to be open and honest with me (before I could find out myself in the computers history) and wants me to share in this with him. I told him that it's something I couldn't do again that it hurt my heart the last time and would crush me if I allowed it to happen again. I suggested we break our marriage off and then he could go and "find himself" but I would not wait for him. He is so ashamed of his past... the affairs, emails, and putting me in the middle of his sexcapades. Today I find that he emailed another man from craigslist and his excuse was that he wanted me to find it and it was a cry for help. He says he loves me and wishes I wanted him the way I used to in the beginning of our relationship. I don't want to leave him but I also can't sit in the wayside watching him tear himself and our marriage up. I don't think 2-3 times a week for sex is too bad it's a heck of a lot more then some men get. How can I bring sexy back and keep him off these websites or am I fighting a lost cause.
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affair, crush, his ex, jealous, porn, swinging, threesome Reply to this Question
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male
reader, UKconfused  +, writes (16 July 2009):
This is a similar situation that we find ourselves in and it is an eye opener to see your side of the story and the hurt you are feeling. I can imagine he loves you completely as i do my wife but finds it almost impossible to stop his behavior. I am trying to get my wife to have a special one off kinky sex session once a month as e on her a reward for being good and something to look forward to. The rest of the time everything will be on her terms. I know its a compromise but surely that's a marriage and i need a little help too. i find the whole sex thing a amazing stress reliever and it gets my mind off every day life. But i only want to have sex with my wife. Its not really advice but more of another side. Good luck and any advice for us is also welcome.
A
female
reader, sorrowinsac +, writes (15 June 2009):
sorrowinsac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you anonymous for your answer, my mother in~law always said I deserve a medal, though it's not for the same reason.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): Wow. You deserve a medal for putting up with all of that! In my opinion, you did everything right (except snooping on him!): you confronted him and communicated your feelings, you were obliging in his fantasies... and still! he treats you like this? This guy doesn't realise how good he has it.
And clearly, neither do you. You seem to be wondering what you can do to save this sorry mess, and in my opinion you have done enough already. You have been forgiving, you have been accommodating. Frankly, I don't doubt that he has done more than he has told you, and that he will continue to.
Anyway, his problems are not your concern right now. His behaviour is hurting you, you have asked, pleaded with him to stop, you have tried to compromise, and yet he still completely disrespects you. I would say that you should give him an ultimatum. Usually, an ultimatum is not a good idea, but here, I think you have put up with so much. Asking him to make up his mind once and for all might save you your sanity. Tell him exactly what you are not comfortable with, what you will not do, ever, what you don't want him to do, and what things you are willing to compromise on. Be firm. Tell him then, if he cannot or will not respect that, then he should leave. You don't have to be his doormat. If he loves and respects you, and he has a real sex addiction, then don't support it by doing whatever he wants you to, let him know it's not okay. Don't be his doormat.
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