A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had a chance with this amazing girl and out of my insecurities and possibly Not being ready for love I messed things up to the point where she cut me out and didn't want to be friends.She eventually started dating this other guy a few months after her fallout for me. They have been together for nearly 6 months. I feel like I am truly in love with her. Because of that if he is the one she wants that makes her happy then (even though I feel hurt, sad, upset about my mistakes and maybe a bit jealous) then I will leave them beWe are just becoming friends and talking again.It's a bit hard and awkward for me because before everything else we were more than friends and flirty. Now it's like I have to think of her in a different way. I'm worried that she or her bf/friends will realize my feelings for her How can we be just friends? I think part of it is the idea of dating someone you've wanted to for a very long time but didn't have the chance and messing things up. Will it help if I tell her I still have feelings for her (or she may already know). At least then if she rejects me that might help me move on but it can also ruin our chances of a friendship. Maybe I'm not ready to be 'friends' until I'm completely over her....I don't know what to and would like some help!
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 June 2011):
 hi, I am sorry this situation has happened, but it does represent a great learning experience.
Two things stand out.
The first is, No, I do not think now is the time to tell her that you still have strong feelings for her. Behave like the really nice guy you are, but don't try to ruffle feathers with that declaration at this point. You will earn far more brownie points with her if you continue to be there as a nice guy who does not cause
her any angst.
This is because if she is IN a relationship then such a declarion will embarass her.
What is she then supposed to do? Give you an embarassed silence, then remind you she is in a relationship?
Or if she is NOT in a relationship but does not want to be with you then it will only make you embarassed. Either way you lose in some instances.
Just because ONE parties declares that they have feelings - then it does not follow that the other party must then reciprocate those feelings.
It is far far better that you behave in as just a good, nice, respectful guy who is there for her, but never tries to ask her out while she is in a relationship. Of course if she experiences difficulties in her current relationship you can listen to her,and be her friend. Of course if she breaks up with her guy, then you can console her, and maybe ask her out again, and hope she remembers how well you behaved previously as the reliable good guy.
That's the first part.
The second part is getting you out and about into doing some interesting things, meeting new people.
You will always be far more interesting to any girl if you are already busy,involved in other activities, getting on well with a wide range of people.
You are at an age where you can go visit interesting places. You can be useful in the community. Learn new skills. Volunteer to help others in a worthwhile project, giving up some of your time each month to help others. Read more and learn more, be it curren affairs, be it biographies of people who have achieved great things despite the odds against them.
If you get invitations to attend social events or reunions then do go along and mingle and meet others.
Keep working on your fitness, go swimming, go to the gym. Learn to resolve a new sport. Help a family member clean up at home. Join a cooking class (great way to socialise and learn a new skill).
Aspire to move ahead in your job, even if that means you have to learn some new things before you can.
Resolve five things you want to improve or achieve in the next five years. Write down those goals, why they are important to you, and how you are going to get there with practical steps to achieve those goals.
Let her see you getting on with your life, still being her friend, but also allowing her to see you engaged in life doing good things. It will make you look so much more of an interesting lovely guy than if you just hover in the background as the guy who missed an opportunity.
Show by your actions that there is a whole lot more to you. That you are an energetic, really good, really interesting guy, worthy of a second chance, when and if the time is right. And if she is not the one then you will be noticed by a whole lot of other girls. And one of them mat be The One for you.
Good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): I think people try to convince themselves that they can easily switch from intimate feelings to friendship overnight. NO WAY! It's really just a denial of feelings that ends up hurting the one with the stronger feelings. I've had relationships where it can take even two years totally apart before we can strike up a platonic friendship again. Otherwise, you're just asking for trouble and temptation and constant reminders of "what might have been". Why do that to yourself? If you do feel you need to tell her how you feel just so you have no regrets, by all means do it but then let her know that if it's not reciprocated, for your own well-being you'll need to cease contact for an indefinite amount of time until the scar heals fully. Then see what happens in your life...
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