A
female
age
30-35,
*ew_at_this
writes:My boyfriend is two years older than i am. We have been together for just over a year and a half and are thinking about getting married in about two years (on our four year anniversary).I was his first girlfriend, first date, first kiss, first girl he ever even held hands with. However, before him and i began dating i was in a semi abusive relationship for about 11 months. My current boyfriend (soon to be fiancé) and i have each given each other our virginities. We don't have sex often, but when we do, it's so perfect. He makes me feel so safe, secure, and loved. I absolutely love having sex with him...but here's my problem....it's extremely hard for me to get in the mood. We have tried all that we can think of. A few weeks ago him and i were simply fooling around and both got naked, we were laying naked in bed together and he was completely in the mood but i didn't want to do more than cuddle. We stayed in his bed for a few hours, we turned on a movie and he just held me in his arms. It wasn't until a few hours later that we finally actually had sex. (keep in mind we had been naked and in bed together for about 4 hours by this point). Once we did have sex though, it was so amazing. I just feel bad that the has to put in so much time trying to get me in the mood before we actually have sex. We have tried many different forms of foreplay, and though i love the foreplay, it doesn't usually get me completely in the mood. Does anyone have any advice as to how i can increase my sex drive? I really wish i had more of a sex drive but i don't know how to get one. Help please.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): "i was in a semi abusive relationship for about 11 months"
Your past, childhood experiences, and traumas, all color your present.
This is extremely important.
"when we do, it's so perfect. He makes me feel so safe, secure, and loved"
This is what makes your relationship with him so special. Keep hold of that thought. Now, you will have to work on being accepting of what is "normal" and what is "perceived as normal".
"We stayed in his bed for a few hours, we turned on a movie and he just held me in his arms. It wasn't until a few hours later that we finally actually had sex. (keep in mind we had been naked and in bed together for about 4 hours by this point)."
This is NORMAL and good.
"I just feel bad that the has to put in so much time trying to get me in the mood before we actually have sex."
This is because you perceive there being something wrong with you, and there isn't.
If the two of you are honest with each other, open with each other, and willing to accept and learn from and about each other, it sounds like the two of you have the makings for a tremendous relationship.
You work to make sure that he gets his needs met, he works to make sure that you get your needs met, and both of you work to make sure that you understand each others needs and wants. If you do this, over time, it will become easier, more interesting, you will be more willing and wanting and in the mood...then you will have children, and have a whole set of other challenges.
Don't have children early in your relationship, work on each others needs and wants and understanding first, for a few years.
Good Luck.
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