A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship with someone for two years and am seriously wondering how much longer I can continue or even if I should. The issue here is that my partner is VERY negative and judgmental of most things from sun-up to sun-down. If she is in the car she has problems with how others are driving (too fast, too slow, how they change lanes), she makes comments about how people look (fat), dress (clothes not matching) and talk, she is unhappy in her work setting and is constantly having some sort of work drama that she brings home to me.When I ignore her comments about people or say something like "Well, maybe they like how their dressed." the negativity is turned onto me. She knows I don’t like all of the work drama that she brings home. I have told her time and again that I support whatever decision she makes, if she wanted to find different employment, I’m behind her. Her comment to me as it pertains to work is that she feels she can't talk to anyone at work and now she can't talk to me either. Of course this makes me feel guilt since she should be able to talk to me about anything.I love her dearly and I had hoped by being some sort of positive example to her, her way of seeing the world would change....In the mean time I feel as if my spiritual growth has stopped because of not being able to REALLY be me without persecution. My life and decisions are put under a magnifying glass daily and I'm constantly put in a position of defending my thoughts and actions when at times I have no "reason" for them, they just are because I "feel" them to be right. To her there has to be a reason behind everything and if I can't give her one that makes sense to her then I must be lying or playing games.How can I help us?Thank you...
View related questions:
at work Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for responding, all of you have good points. I have tried to express to her how I feel when she does these things, maybe not hard or seriously enough. Heck, she will even honk her horn and shout cuss words to people either in their car or walking down the street if they throw a cigg butt on the ground.
I think she has some anger issues and is to a point controling. I'm in the process of looking for a car to purchase and if I want to test drive one that she thinks is too old, has too much mileage or isn't rated high enough on Consumer Reports I catch hell and am made to feel like crap. Granted, my credit sucks due to my past behaviour and she has offered to co-sign or even get the laon for me if it comes to that. My feeling is that in the end I'm the one who will be paying for the vehicle and the insurance as well as driving it. Her response, "If the car breaks down it will impact her as well as me and I'm not making good choices on what car I want."
A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (17 April 2009):
 Has he always been negative in his life? I'm not sure if he is depressed, but a regular visit to the therapist, or pastor, or a counselor would certainly help.
His negativity could have stemmed from bad experiences in his life, or it could also be from his upbringing. A close friend of mine in college was always negative, everything was wrong. It was his "upbringing" basically, i.e. what he "learnt" from his home, from his dysfunctional family as he was growing up. He later dated a very religious woman, who to our surprise, was successful in "changing" his mindset. Basically, all she did was tirelessly saying to him (initially) to count his blessing. That it could have been worse, that some things are just too funny or ridiculous to be seen as a negative. She was indeed a very strong person, and relentlessly bubbly lol. They are still together btw, and he only has a residual negativity left in him.
Turning negativity into positivity and optimism is not an easy task. If you love her deeply, see if she would agree to see a professional. Or find a group that does "laughter therapy". See if they have one in your area.
Laughing therapy http://www.dhyansanjivani.org/ganral/laughing_therapy.asp
Therapeutic Benefits of Laughter http://www.holisticonline.com/Humor_Therapy/humor_therapy_benefits.htm
Laughing Therapy http://www.infoniac.com/health-fitness/laughing-therapy.html
Laughing therapy treats serious illness http://www.themedguru.com/articles/laughing_therapy_treats_serious_illness-86118384.html
Laughing Therapy http://alternativetherapycourses.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=67:laughing-therapy&catid=13:courses&Itemid=56
Some of these alternative treatment has groups that you can join for free, some are run as for-profit groups.
Hope you can remain to be positive!
Cat
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): Hi, my ex and I went through something similar - I was the one constantly being negative and picky. It lasted for two years, and looking back, I was depressed. I didn't enjoy anything anymore and could no longer find joy or happiness in anything. The worst thing is, I couldn't open up about it. I just carried on being in a deep dark hole and sending out negativity. Eventually, I found out my bf had cheated on me. Things had got really bad between us, so I can understand why it happened. I'm better now, mainly because I changed jobs, moved towns and made some great friends. Looking back, I wish I'd been able to explain to my bf why I was being so horrible - it was because I felt horrible inside but not worthy of seeking help. I wonder if something similar is happening with your gf? Does she have fun ever? Does she still enjoy things she used to enjoy? Does she seem happy? I think it would be worth having a talk with her, somewhere neutral away from home, about how you're feeling and what's going on with her. She may not realise how bad you feel. Hope that helps. F, 25, NZ
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): christ, i can identify with you so much, its scary. my partner is constantly on a negative trip and it drives me insane. He moans about how early he has to get up for work, how bad work is, how he has no time after work to do anything, how he doesnt get to slep early, how he hates the way other people drive - he cant even sit in traffic for 2 minutes without getting annoyed at it, he hates certain things people say, hates his ex's ability to royally screw him over at every chance she gets, hates certain food but instead of disliking it its a whole drama of how bad it is when a simpe no would suffice, them theres movies, if theres a movie he hates he'll huf and puff throught the movie and all manner of other insignificant dramas! Now, im a rediculously optimistic person and his negativity brings me right down with a bump and ive tried to explain this to him and tell him that he needs to stop seeing everything as glass half empty and think more glass half full and try and get some kind of good out of his life because the moaning and the general misery of it all is going to drive me to a slow death on certain days and he understands that and its gotten to the point that he can even notice his own negativity now and im not even sure he really believes half the negative comments he makes now because its just habbit, he oans because thats what he does...There isnt a lot you can do to change someones mindset when its like that except listen when they talk, give your own firm but open oppinion and just try no to lose your own sense of optimism in the midst of it and hopefully, somewhere in it all, they will stop looking at others negatively and look at themselves positively.Good luck with this, i know how you must be feeling and i havent quite figured out the answer myself yet....
...............................
A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (17 April 2009):
 She sounds depressed, ask her to go to the doctors! If she isn't depressed and you can't handle this tell her that her negativity is going to push you away, tell her she needs to change. Give specific examples of what she does and then tell her how it makes you feel. Tell her ways she could change and then ask her if there's anything you could do to help, x
...............................
|
