A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of a year has recently been very negative about everything in life.He most likely isn't depressed and in all honesty there has been nothing tragic happening which could cause his pessimistic views on the world. (or rather from my own experiences, this is nothing to lose it about)We're in a long distance relationship so a chance of spending time together to make him feel better and give him a little face to face motivational speech is rare, therefore text messages, phone calls and skype is all I'm working with.Whenever a little thing goes wrong, he feels like it's a really big deal and blames it all on himself. For example our plan to go travel in the summer didn't work out as we have to save money for university and the only thing he does when he talks about it is that he's a failure and if he wasn't such a disappointment then we would have went.It's the same with all plans which don't work out, he gets in a depressing, negative and run down mood for the rest of the day and will only talk about how 'shit' he is.I was wondering if the issue might be to do with his parents as they keep on making promises of gifts and help that they never give. For example helping out with paying for accommodation, at first they said they will be happy to help and made him feel better and confident about moving out and later on said that they're 'not rich so can't afford to throw money around like that', so they won't help.The most recent issue is his mom quite loudly calling him irritating in front of a large group of people, which was uncalled for as the only thing he asked is if they managed to fill out a form needed for some uni application. After that she said that a gift of an old car of theirs,(around 4 months ago) is out of the question as they can't afford to give it, causing more issues with the plans he had for university.He feels like he is to blame for it all, like if his mom says he is a disappointment and failure then he must be and there is no other way. I keep telling him that none of it is his fault and that he needs to stop focusing on all the negatives as the only thing it will do is cause him to dig a hole of sadness and depression from which it would be hard to get out of but he has none of it. My motivational speeches and paragraphs of telling him that he's one of the most hard working people I know does nothing to help. The only thing it does is make him snap back with telling me that what happens IS his fault and he's a failure followed by a sarcastic comment of his which is negatively directed towards him. He keeps saying that he's just being a 'realist' not realizing that all of the things he says about himself are purely pessimistic and nothing else.I have no idea what the issue may, why does he blame himself? Why can't my talks help him? Why does he brush off anything positive I have to say and counter argue it with more depressing talk? I want to try to help him but I first need to understand if it's something I can help with alone or not. Any help will be much appreciated as it's slowly hurting me to have to hear him talk bad about himself every day.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 April 2016):
 Depression isn't caused by actions that make everyone else think a person "deserves" to be depressed. So, honestly, just because you don't think he has a reason to be depressed, doesn't me he isn't!
The only one who can give a diagnosis is a psychologist.
A person struggling with mental health issues, such as depression, will not be "cured" by pep talks. That's like saying you encouraged a blind man to see, and then not understand why it didn't work...
He needs a pro, and sorry, but you're not going to be able to help him. Save your energy on not getting dragged down into the pessimistic world he now lives in. Because is he IS depressed, then you are going to need all of your energy on keeping YOURSELF afloat, as it takes a toll on the relationship, and you will have to row the relationship boat alone for quite some time.
Encourage him to see his doctor. If he wont, then you need to stop th epep talks etc and let him be the way he is. This is something only he can work through. I've been in your shoes multiple times already (both brother and father AND a former boyfriend were/are suicidal and suffering from depression and other mental health issues). So Im telling you, you need to stop trying to "fix" them and focus on keeping yourself afloat and have a happy life. If you are going to stay in the relationship, you need to be okay with rowing the relationship boat on your own. And that takes a lot of energy and really can drain all your energy. So, save your energy for you. You really, really, can not help a depressed person anyway. You need a professional for that. Just like a blind person can NOT EVER see, just because you encourage them and tell them positive things. The blind person needs a DOCTOR (and perhaps a surgery) and then months if not years to recover.
You can be there as a support system. But you can't fix them or make it better.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 April 2016):
 When motivating doesn't help, the only support he wants is your listening ear and your patience. I know it's hard to hear him talk negative things, and it brings you down. Being the closest person to him, you can't help but be affected by his mood. His frustration is because he respects this relationship so much that it upsets him that he can't offer you the happiness you need. There is fear that you would see him as failure and therefore leave him. Rather than looking at him as negative and pessimistic, look at him as someone who's very eager to please you, and can't wait to share life with you, the way it's supposed to be. To be without struggle and a sense of lacking. He sounds like a great guy. He knows that if he wants something he needs to work hard towards it. You sound great too. Even though you are long distance and you can't see each other much, you believe in him and want to motivate him.
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