A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Girls, please help and give me some advice or insight if you can!!I love my girlfriend very much, but I've been having some attraction issues. What I mean is that she doesn't seem to be interested in being all that feminine. She doesn't wear a skirt (or if she does, she wears jeans under it), she doesn't wear earings, jewellery and she doesn't wear perfume or carry a handbag.It sounds almost ridiculous to write it down like this, but I'm finding that it is causing me to lose my attraction to her, and I can't help myself being attracted to other women.On the one hand, I feel quite bad about this, and that I shouldn't be demanding things of her or asking her to 'change', and that I'm supposed to accept her for who she is.On the other hand, I feel let down, disappointed, even angry that she doesn't seem to 'get it'. What I mean about this is that I'm angry that she doesn't instinctively know that being feminine is what is going to make her attractive to me. We have to play roles for there to be attraction, surely? Although I've never mentioned her appearance and the way she dresses to her before, in the past we've talked about attitudes, and what is essentially the same problem in a different manifestation. That is, her attitude is a very rational one, and that she doesn't like to admit the differences between male and female. She even said that when she was younger she sort of switched off that side of her in order to be taken seriously by boys. She can't stand really girly girls.I guess she's a kind of feminist in a way, but it's playing havoc with my instinct. Although I could accept the way she is if we were friends, it turns me off as lovers.I've got to know her parents quite a bit. They're happily married after many years - I genuinely believe that (they walk around holding hands sometimes!). However, their relationship seems to be very neutral, and my girlfriend's mother is very sharp, cerebral, and definitely not into being feminine at all! Although her appearance is perfectly respectable, she doesn't wear make-up or jewelry and has short hair that isn't styled in a female way. She's very caring, I know that, and has brought up her three daughters very sensibly indeed, but at the same time, she's very rational and somehow sexless in her whole manner.Although that my girlfriend is not nearly as bad (!) as her mother, I have the overwhelming sense that they've both suppressed or clamped down on their femininity.Sometimes with my girlfriend, things are indeed very light and we have a great time together. But then it all turns dark and I feel almost repelled like a magnet.This is so hard because it's making me feel so guilty, and I don't know what to do. The crazy thing is that I can't tackle this problem rationally with her because rationality itself is the problem here. I don't want her to be rational and solve this, I want her to exist dynamically with me, her in a feminine role to my masculinity. She's got upset in the past, because she's seen me putting up a barrier to her and pulling away. Any suggestions very gratefully received. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, kevind  +, writes (10 June 2015):
I dont know either, when i read your story it sounded just like my own, my girlfriend is the same way, no make up, no purse, no cute girly clothes, no hair do's, very messy, not even earrings, its crazy and its driving me away, it makes me where i dont even want to have sex, but when we just hang out she's awesome and i really care about her and we have alot of fun together, please if you find out anything about what we can do let me know a.s.a.p
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): I realise this reply is well after the date you posted your question, but I thought I'd write to say I get exactly where you are coming from. My girlfriend is exactly the same, and whilst it didn't seem to matter at the start of our relationship (I think she made more of an effort then), it is starting to become a problem for me. Sometimes she seems so boyish to look at, I am repulsed. She has some men's shirts which I hate on her. I can't bring myself to tell her, for the same reasons as you, I feel I should be able to accept her for who she is, but it doesn't seem to be that simple. I think girls who dress like girls are lovely, boys do nothing for me!
Anyway, have you had any breakthroughs in your situation ? It's a tricky one to deal with, it makes me realise how important appearance truly is. I guess we are all animals in the end, living according to our basic instincts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): Tell her you would like to see her in a dress and some earrings and that you want to take her out and show her off, and when you get home make mad passionate love to her. Enlist the help of some of her friends who feel she doesn't dress to impress or show off her best assets and get them to help her get a makeover, maybe a day at a spa where haircut color and makeup sessions are offered.
Take her shopping for a dress and some skirts and show her what you like.
That would be a start I guess.
Otherwise, why is she your girlfriend if you prefer feminine women?
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