A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I could do with a little bit of genuine advice, because Im in a bit of a pickle with regards to an issue that keeps being raised in my relationship.I am 21 years old and I have been with my girlfriend nearly 15 months. I love her so much and we are in many ways perfect for each other.I am having real trouble however when it comes to her insecurities, and its mainly because of them that we have friction at times in our relationship. Its becoming a bit of a problem for me, and it upsets me and if anything it drives me to distance myself from her when she is going through one of her "episodes".Let me explain a bit about myself. I am a prety nice guy, I have good morals, I have had a few women in my life before but I dont belive in casual sex or one night stands. None of my previous relationships have lasted a substantial time because I knew very soon in the relatinships they wernt the type of women I could fall in love with. Before my current girl friend I had been in love with one of my best friends at uni. It was a terrible time for me and nothing ever surfaced between myself and my friend because my feelings were not reciprocated. I eventually got through it and whilst I will always care for her I no longer love her in the sense I once did did. When I met my current girlfriend it was like a bolt of lightning had struck me. It took me no time at all to realise I was tumbling head over heals for her. The first few months of our relationship were a magical romance and those memories of getting to know each other, having candle lit meals etc. will stay in my heart forever. We fell madly in love and we have been together ever since.She rather soon started being a little bit jelous and uncomfotable with me having female friends. As it happens I get on much better with women than men. At this time I new and could understand the initial early relationship insecurities, I had them myself. When you give your whole heart to someone and trust them not to break it, untill you have been together a while there is always a worry that they will break it and that the magical love will be finite. We had petty fights about this, and my social life took a dive. I stop hanging around with many of my friends, but a lot of this was because I wanted to spend time with her and also because I started living with her far away from uni. But whenever I went back home she would have a problem with me enjoying a bit of freedom, etc. However, we are far past that now, she now makes the effort to socialise within my friendship circles and vice versa, and we allow each other time apart.She now lives with me. She has moved 100 miles away from home, away from her family and friends, left her job and started a uni course in the city I am. She has made all of these HUGE sacrifices for me, for our love. I have supported her as much as I can all the way, but its made slightly difficult because she isnt good at talking about her feelings, and I am not very good at understanding and empathising with other peoples feelings unless I view them as rational.Before I met her I used to rock climb 30 hours a week. It was my life. I was aiming to try out for the british team and ammateurs competitions by this summer coming. I met her and I sacrificed all that. The one thing that made me happiest in the world. I was going to travel the world, work as a vet (im a vet student) in countries all over the world working with communites less fortunate than western countries, and all the while climbing. I have given all of that prospect up for this wonderful women whom I love. I stopped climbing for a long time because she gave me such a hard time about going when I could be spending time with her. We now climb regularly together and I still love it. I found out later in our relationship that she was insecure and worried that I would leave her for the life I once had and that I would have a love affair with climbing.Anyway, she lives with me. I have given up that life (willingly);I have decreased my social circles and the time I spend with my friends; I stopped 99 % of the friendship I had with the friend who I had had feelings for because it made my girlfriend uncomfortable. I give her massgaes; I cook her romantic dinners; I run errands for her and go to the shop to get her chocolate when she fancies it; I have spent a lot of time with her parents and have developed a great relationship with them; I have written her poems and letters; I have bought her 6 huge and expensive bouquets of flowers, each one took me hours to source (i go to many florists) and I designed each one individually with the florist; I wrote the most wonderful love letter to her for our anniversary and had a proffesionla calligraoher wright it on parchment in emerald green ink (her favourite colour); I bought her a puppy for her 21st birthday; I have commited to living in Ireland for her in the future (its where she is from originally); we are saving money together for our future; I have supported her on her course; last week she announced she is seriously thinking of doing a medical course to become a doctor after the one she is on, and this will mean that I will have to support us when I am working, and our children which she wants to have before she is 30, and it will take out our question of travveliing and doing charity work for a couple of years, and I told her I would support her every step of the way and we would manage if thats what she really wanted. The list goes on...Just to clarify though, I am far from perfect. I have done many inconsiderate things and Im not the easiest person to get on with.Now...To the whole point of this post and all of the background. After all of this she still doubts my love for her and says I dont care for her. When she gets like this I get really pissed off and upset, I become irritibale, snappy and emotionally distance myslef for, her. In my mind I would think many women would want someone as commited as me and who shows it as I have. But this isnt good enough for her. She went nuts last week because I refused to go to the shop and get her biscuits, she said Im a shit boyfriend and I enjoy not making her happy. I used to give her a lot of massgae and foot massages etc, but now she decides she wants one and expects me to deliver. I do those thing willingly not because she clicks her fingers and says now, but when I refuse she gets mooody and pissy and says you used to do it now you mustnt love me. Last week I said some stupid things that upset her when we went to the pub with friends. It was an accident, I have autistic tendancies and I cant help my mouth sometimes. She blanked me for 4 hours in front of my friends, and when we got in bed it was cold and she asked me to hug her to keep her warm-whilst maintaining her mood. I refused and got her an extra blanket, but now I was a shit boyfriend and I dont care for her I and I enjoy emotionally manipulating her, she mumbled to herself about how she i am fo an hour. Sometimes we have enough food in the house but she fancies something different, and Im the "awkward one who doesnt care for her" because I wont go to the shop and get differnt food. I had friends round last week to revise for an exam, at the end we just chattted for an hour or so to the early morning (1 am). She gave me a load of shit because it had taken time away from me being with her when she was going home to her parents the next day. Since she has been away we have had little to say to each other. Im stressed out with exams, shes been in funny moods etc etc. And because we dont have big long intersting conversations it "shows i dont love her" somehow. She comes out with stupid comments like "I bet you would have stuff to talk about with xxx(my old friend I had feelings for). She tells me how she thinks all of the nice things I do for her are really meant for the old friend. I get angry and iritated by all this. I had a huge rant at her the other day because it just ridiculous to suggest I dont love after everything I do, but guess what "I dont care for her as is shown by the way I spoke to her on that occasion"; i spent xmas with her family away from mine and my 10 and 1 year old sisters. I love this women.Its driving me nuts. She says she feels second best and that she isnt good enuogh looking for me, and she said she thinks I would run off with someone else better looking came along. She says she feel shit when I acknowledge a beautiful women on TV, or read Monkey Magazine online (a mens magazine with cars, women and stuff in), and when I watch porn (guess what she watches it with me, and is quite happy to watch it on her own for her own pleasure when I am not with her). I feel so upset that she acuses me of not loving her or wanting other women when I have shown her with the little and the big things I do that she is the most important women in my life. She comes back to the same thing, that she has sacrificed a lot more than I have (she still doesnt get how much climbing meant to me, and when I try an tell her its somehow me saying I dont want her). I dont feel great all he time when I know I am a 11 stone skinny bloke and her optimum man is THE ROCK (the massive wrestler), but I get over it and I know she loves me for who I am and I trust her. She has never been able to trust me. She had a big issue with one of my female friends who I was hanging around with, because its not apropriate apparantly to watch a film together and eat pizza. She reads my emails, my facebook and my text and always said it was beacuase she was nosy, thankfully it now infrequent that she does. But it always come back to the same thing for me, lack of trust. Our biggest fights happen becuase I need my independance and freedom , and I refuse to live my life only for her. She acknowledges herself that she needs someone as strong as me, to stop her getting everything she wants.Now I no some of you might thing she doesnt sound very nice from this post. But remember that I am here for advice on the main negative aspect of her personality. In every other way she is wonderful and I love her so much. I try and tell her to stop being so nuts, but its a case of "well im sorry Im so shit". "Im ugly why would you want me"(shes gorgeous by the way), "what do you mean I look fine, thats not good enough". She always deduces that I think she is fat too. She is a size 8 top and size 10 bottoms. I just ignore her now, but its not good to blank her off. So to summarise she has got some major insecurities. She thinks I might not care for her. (friends who dont even know her say how well i treat her). Whenever I dont treat her well its either through frustation and upset or because I dont realise how what I say sounds offensive. I dont have great empathy. Feelings have to be rational to me for me to understand them. I dont always get things right, sometimes Im lazy, sometimes im selfish, sometimes Im grumpy but somehow when I do these things that all normal humans do its representative of me not loving her. I dont show her every day in the best ways, but if I did it would take value away from the big things I do for her.I am really in need of advice. I want to spend my life with this women. I love her with my whole heart. But im terrified that one day this will drive me away, because during these times it makes neither me or her happy. I worry that she will still have these problems when we have children, and a house in Ireland. I dont want to feel my whole life that I am not good enough becuase the love of my life still things I dont really care about her.Sorry for the long post but I think it required thourough explanation. She has sacrificed much fo me and is wonderful in many ways, she has kept a cap on a lot of her crazy ways and stays more rational when it comes to her disliking my parents for example, and she does many things for me. And I never doubt her.Please help me and explain to me how to make her feel more secure. Im not gunna stop my comments about other women, they naturally come out, there not lewd its just observation and thats the way I am, and I am who she has fallen in love with, im not gunna stop reading my magazines; her women magazines have hot topless men in so what?Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): Personally I think you've done more than enough to show her you care about her and love her dearly. BUT it's easy for onlooking friends to say you treat her well when they're not the ones in a relationship with you. Sometimes your efforts can be negated by things you do to make her feel bad, though unintentional. You treat her like a queen one minute, then you're observing the beauty in another woman the next. You're not wrong, but this contrast in behaviour could really hurt. She wants to feel like your number one girl is that so bad? And sounds like she is TRYING. Hope you sort things out mate.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): Personally I think you've done more than enough to show her you care about her and love her dearly. BUT it's easy for onlooking friends to say you treat her well when they're not the ones in a relationship with you. Sometimes your efforts can be negated by things you do to make her feel bad, though unintentional. You treat her like a queen one minute, then you're observing the beauty in another woman the next. You're not wrong, but this contrast in behaviour could really hurt. She wants to feel like your number one girl is that so bad? And sounds like she is TRYING. Hope you sort things out mate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): I see you're from the UK and over here there is the counselling service for couples called Relate.
They would work with you both together to help balance out the relationship and also get to the bottom of her insecurties.If you are genuinely serious about wanting to maintain this relationship they are the people to go to.
There is no more you can do for her to show your commitment and she may have some underlying issues that create her jeaolousy. Going to counselling together would really help out.
Perhaps you overindulged her and she has become spoilt-but you can't help being a caring person to the one you love, she shouldn't have taken your actions for granted and should know that things like a massage is done with love and not on demand.
She is the one who needs to acknowledge her behaviour has become unjustified and unacceptable. I really believe Relate will help her to change her attitude and face problems that are the cause of this behaviour.
Working together for a positive change is the only way foward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): Sorry, you probably don't want to hear this but YOU CAN'T make her feel more secure. ONLY SHE CAN make herself secure. Not you, not anyone else.
I tell you this because I am exactly the type of insecure woman you describe. I don't have such strong issues, but I do feel really insecure about myself and compare myself to other women all the time, and this drives my boyfriend nuts. And you know why? It sucks to say it this way, makes me sound really pathetic, but I don't really love myself. So no matter how much he loves me, I can't feel it... it's like a barrier that says "How can he love me when there are much better women out there?" I've tried breaking up with him, explaining that I'm insecure and he's better off, but he comes back.
The only difference is I don't manipulate him (at least not as much, I think), while I think your girlfriend is manipulative. Maybe without intention, it's just the insecurity is so strong, sometimes you do/say things that are just plain irrational and stupid (like her telling you that you must not love her for denying a massage). It's all insecurity driven, and in those moments she's "not herself".
I think you have a few options:
1) Move on. The least appealing one, I know. The "easy" way out. But if nothing else works...
2) Talk to her and tell her that she needs help. Honestly, she does. Even if she wasn't with you, she'd need it. I know because I'M DEAD INSECURE! She will not like it, and will say you don't love her, etc., but she needs to know the truth and if you care about her, this is a way in which you can help her. Maybe other people that care about her can help you too, close friends of her perhaps? Family? She can't go on like this.
3) Just put up with it. But you wouldn't be helping her like this. Reassurance is addictive. It is good to reassure her from time to time, but if she's used to it, she'll want more and more, until you'll feel more like a slave than your own person.
I hope someone else comes up with better ideas on how to get her to accept she needs professional help, because she's too young to suffer from such deep insecurities. Nobody should go through that, it's so debilitating!
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A
female
reader, dorothy2342  +, writes (23 January 2010):
 So many feelings and issues to address, but I'll try to stay focused. It sounds like she has low self-esteem and that is why she is afraid of loosing you or she is worried you don't find her more appealing than someone else. You can not change someone else, only yourself. By having female friends you are triggering those feelings in her. I am not saying you are wrong, I was that way with the opposite sex, I preferred male friendships. I didn't trust women, I always saw them as competition. She probably seem your female friends that way as well and she might be right to do so. If you are a commited couple, why do you need female friends. I think it is disrespectful. She also sounds a little spoiled, but you did it. There is a saying about new relationships or marriages; don't start anything you don't want to have to keep up. I can see why she, having low selfesteem, might think your not doings something you used to do as a sign of pulling away or not caring as much. Men and women think so differently. You think with your head, she is led by her emotions and insecurities. I don't think constantly sacrificing for each other is even healthy, what we do for someone out of love in not really a sacrifice, it's a choice we make to better the relationship. I give up for you, you give up for me, whats up with that. Rather you agree on a decision that is equally gratifying for you both. Comprimise, there is no such thing as a completely 50/50 relation ship, someone will usually give more than the other, but not all the time. Lay down some ground rules and boundries, even for arguing. You cant be all things to anybody. In the end you will both need to comprimise and change yourselves for the sake of the relationship. It's not just your job, she has to take responsibility for herself, grow-up and stop being self-centered. I don't know if this helped. I hope it has. I would say good luck, but luck has nothing to do with it. Ya'll do the work.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 January 2010):
Your lifestyles don't match. Her neediness is pushing you away, making you avoid her, thus making her more needy.
She needs to have her own interests and not focus on you all the time. The thing missing in her life is someone who tells her she is great and worthy of love but a normal healthy person does not need to hear that every day.
Since she just moved in with you. It would take her to find her own circle of friends.
Mentally she is not at the same level with you, in terms of preparing for the future, family, etc. Her primary needs of self love had not been addressed and she is disappointed that you could do that for her.
There is nothing you could do to make her more secure. If it's not giving up rock climbing, spending more time with her, it would be something else. Until she learns to love herself there is always something you did that's not good enough. Only time would make people grow up.
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