A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, I need some advice on how I can help my bf to step up to the mark with practicalities of living together (which was his idea in the first place!) so that it can work for both of us, please.We've been together 2 years, very happy. He has been wanting us to live together for 1 year, and I finally feel the time is right. So we've found a place to buy together. We decided to split all the paperwork chores between us. So for the last 6 weeks, I have dealt with all the paperwork regarding getting a mortgage and the solicitor stuff. I also work full time and have weekend commitments to caring for members of my extended family, and was getting a little stressed with it all. So, my bf agreed he would sort out the buildings insurance which we need to show the solicitor before the sale can be completed. We discussed it, and I mentioned there are websites that show you the best deal. I felt I didn't have time to look through these myself, and he said it was no problem, he'd do it. He works full time too, but has more free time to himself than I do. He has his own place right now, so he has previously been through all this stuff, it's not like he doesn't know how to do it.Anyway, to cut a long story short, he hasn't! He's arranged a really expensive insurance deal with a firm who came to him because it was easier than bothering to check for the best deal. I spent 15 minutes online today and we can get the same deal half price...I'm feeling pretty annoyed with him right now. I feel like I can't rely on him, that I have to do everything myself if I want it to be done in the way that is best for us both (neither of us is rolling in money!). There have been other similar examples with paperwork, paying bills, getting the weekly shop, him forgetting joint appointments we have together, etc etc.I am now pregnant, and really want to feel I can rely on him instead of having to rely on myself the whole time, and having to double check up on him is more time consuming than me doing things myself.I don't nag him about any of this. In fact, I haven't yet had a conversation with him about it. We are pretty open with each other, and I think we can have a full and honest discussion, but I'd love advice on how to approach this issue in a constructive rather than critical way with him, please?Everything else is going great between us, we just need to find a way to tweak this one thing....I'd love your advice, thanks.
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male
reader, Jynxter  +, writes (13 November 2012):
 You are aware that ‘Men are from Mars… and Women are from Venus’.. right? Guys and gals don’t see living together the same way. Women think that it is a sign that things are great and the relationship is progressing… however, guys may think along the lines that it’s great to have a cook, maid and cleaning lady that is willing to sleep with me which means I get more time to sleep and less time wasted traveling to her house and spending a lot of money at restaurants or other ‘dating’ exercises just to get into bed with her each night. Now I realize that is a gross oversimplification… but there is a lot of truth to what I have said. You, like most women have taken control of the relationship… even if it was his idea… and expect him to meet your expectations. My guess is that you picked out the place where you live, have instigated the fair and equitable arrangement discussion and identified what chores needed to be assigned and what roles each would assume. You are also keeping score and have decided you work harder, longer and have less free time than he does and want to hold him accountable… and responsible for living up to your agreements. When you ‘trust’ him to take care of the insurance… you immediately check up on him and tell him he did a miserable job… and then add that to your scorecard of injustices to be recalled at some future time when you get into the next argument over his slacking. If you say that’s not true… then just look at the list you gave us that shows other “examples of his short comings regarding paying bills, handling paperwork, shopping, forgetting appointments.. etc., etc.” Not keeping score? Then what is this list all about? You say you ‘don’t nag him’… but it sure doesn’t sound like it. While you may have not had ‘a conversation with him about it’… you certainly are making a list, checking it twice and wil eventually blind side him one night and point out how disappointed you are with him. How do you think he is going to react to being told he is a failure in your eyes. Are you ready for him to walk out and find someone else that is a bit more understanding… and less demanding? I had to laugh at your last sentence, “Everything else is going great between us”. Do you really think so? Me thinks not and you need to re-evaluate your relationship and how you communicate with each other. Oh… and one more thing that I am not going to address other than to have you do some soul searching… What is behind this pregnancy? Don’t you think that maybe you should have made some fundamentals discoveries about each other before you bring a child into the mix? You both have a lot of growing up to do and for the sake of the child I would suggest you consider counseling now before things get out of hand.
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